Book Club

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1

[Diane] This is

how it started.

Four best friends and a book.

Vivian was the one

who had the idea.

She'd seen it in a magazine,

and it was that

very first book

that gave her

a lifelong philosophy.

[man] You know what

I find sexiest about you?

Do tell.

You don't need me.

[Vivian]

I don't need anyone.

It's the secret

to my success.

[Diane]

And successful she was.

The hotel we were standing

in front of... [scoffs]

...she owns.

And ten years later,

she tore it down

and built a new one.

[desk clerk]

Good morning, Miss O'Donnell.

[chattering]

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'll call you back.

[men chattering]

Slim?

[Diane] This is Arthur.

The first time they had sex

was on a mix board.

They were madly in love.

He proposed.

She said no.

He left town.

[gasps] My, oh, my.

Arthur Riley.

What's it been, 40 years?

That's impossible. That

would mean I was only six.

- Still a wiseass, huh?

- [chuckles] Yeah.

Old habits die hard.

I got to get back

to this meeting, but, uh,

are you going to be

in town for a while?

I would hope so.

I do live here.

I'll find you.

It's good to see you, Slim.

[Diane] Now, Sharon

was Vivian's roommate

as an undergrad at Stanford.

- Then she went to law school.

- [gavel bangs]

Of the 301 people

in her graduating class,

62 were women.

Of the 62,

one became a federal judge.

He's on the phone now?

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're going to take

a five-minute recess.

All rise.

This court will stand

in recess for five minutes.

No, no, no.

You're never interrupting.

How is Hawaii?

You got en... engaged?

Why? I mean, wow!

I didn't mean "why,"

I meant "wow." Wow.

Well, if I sound judgmental,

that...

That's a professional hazard.

Who's Cheryl?

[inhales] Oh, I didn't know

your father was seeing someone.

Good for him.

And you. Good for both...

Congratulations all around.

Yeah.

[Diane] In 1985,

Sharon married Tom

because he made her laugh.

By 1999, she was

no longer laughing.

And the final straw came

when Tom asked her

what "Don Quix-ote" was about.

The marriage ended

and Sharon bought a cat.

[cat meows]

[Diane] Carol put herself

through culinary school,

working as a waitress

at a diner.

She had two goals in life:

one, to own and operate

her own restaurant,

and two, to marry the man

of her dreams, Bruce Colby.

Since the moment they met,

they've not been able to

keep their hands off each other.

- [squeals] Ooh!

- Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

[Carol] Dance lessons!

- Oh.

- Yep.

- Wow.

- Yes.

Because the No Kid Hungry

fundraiser

is a talent show this year

and I signed us up.

- To be in the talent show?

- Yes!

I thought it was something fun

we could do together

now that you're retired.

Now this is gorgeous!

- Oh!

- Eargasms!

Yeah, I got us both a pair.

Multiple Eargasms.

Who does not love that?

Well, no, it's so you can watch

TV in bed without disturbing me,

and my snoring

won't keep you awake.

- Huh?

- That's very thoughtful.

What do you say

we get home and...

- I say yes.

- Yay.

[Bruce snores]

[snores louder]

[Diane] And then, there's me.

I didn't know what my path

was going to be,

and then it hit me,

with a wave of nausea.

Because of this guy,

Harry Whittaker.

We got married,

and I became a...

- [woman] Mom!

- [Diane] What?

[woman] Stop already.

What? No!

I just need to clear the caulk.

- Clear the caulk?

- Yes.

There's a cute little ladybug

trying to get out the window.

Okay, someone's been watching

way too much HGTV.

- Huh?

- Mom, put the screwdriver down.

What?

- Mom.

- Uh-huh?

- We've been talking.

- Yes?

We want to move you

to Arizona.

Move me? Oh, my God.

What am I, cattle?

[Diane]

These are our two daughters.

Harry is an accountant.

Well, he was an accountant.

Your house is falling apart,

and you don't have Dad

to fix it.

I know, but, my friends,

they live here.

And your family lives there.

We just want you

close to us, Mom.

No, but...

Feel it out

for the weekend.

If not for you,

for us, please.

- It's what Dad would've wanted.

- All right.

[Diane] Well,

it's been over 40 years

and through it all, every month,

we still get together for...

[wine cork pops]

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Arthur as in Arthur?

Wait a minute.

Are you talking about...

- radio-station-sex Arthur?

- Yes!

Proposed-with-a-milkshake

Arthur.

That Arthur.

And he's staying at the hotel.

Does he not hate you, though?

He's got to.

No. That was 40 years ago!

Yeah, but still.

Oh! There she is.

My son is engaged and

my husband is in Maui

with a tartlet named Cheryl.

[Diane] Oh...

I need a drink.

Your "husband"?

You can't possibly still care

about what Tom is doing.

I don't care.

But the guy gets seasick

in a swimming pool.

I mean, what the hell

is he doing in Maui?

Sounds like he's

doing Cheryl in Maui.

Oh, please.

Who gets involved

in a relationship at 67?

I mean, what is the point?

The point is to get laid.

It's always the point.

- Don't make me sick.

- Who still says "get laid"?

Who still has any interest?

No, no, no. I am not gonna

let us become those people.

- What people...

- You know what people.

The people who stop living

before they stop living.

I haven't had sex

since my divorce

and it's been the happiest

18 years of my life.

[gasps] That must be

some kind of record.

I mean, what even happens

to a vagina after 18 years?

I think Werner Herzog

did a documentary on that.

Yeah. It's called

The Cave of Forgotten Dreams.

Okay! Will you stop it?

Moving on.

Let's talk about the book.

Oh, God. The hiking book?

Really?

Come on! I liked it!

It's such a remarkable

undertaking. Can you imagine?

No, I cannot. I don't even

like walking to my mailbox.

It's just an amazing story.

So many layers. I wouldn't

even know how to break it down.

I'll break it down for you.

She hikes, she lost her boot,

she did heroin.

Did you only read

the back cover?

[Vivian gulps] I wish.

I kept wanting

to shout at her,

"Oh, wait ten years, honey.

Dry shampoo is coming."

If you would ever

connect with something

on a more emotional level...

Emotional connection

is highly overrated.

You have not had an emotional

connection for 40 years.

Wow, that must be

some type of record.

Yeah, but what happens

to emotions after 40 years?

Okay, okay,

are you guys having fun?

Oh, come on.

You know we love you.

Maybe it's time

you did take a hike

and try to reconnect

with your own true self.

I'll buy you a backpack.

I'll tell you how to reconnect

with your own true self,

and it ain't by walking alone

through the desert.

I would like to introduce you

to Christian Grey.

Oh...

Oh, no.

[Vivian] It was a bestseller

made into a movie.

- That is our theme this year.

- Oh, wow.

We are not reading this.

[Vivian] It's my month!

When it's your month,

you can choose whatever

boring, depressing book

you want.

I'm not sure

this qualifies as a book.

Well, 50 million people

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