Bordello of Blood

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Hyah.

Hyah.

Hyah.

We're behind schedule.

Hold it right here.

It's a good thing

you didn't tell us this is

where you wanted to come.

Why is that, toad boy?

Because we wouldn't have.

This place is dangerous.

There's a legend.

Four hundred years ago,

a ship stopped near here

and left behind a treasure.

Must be a big treasure for someone

to go to the end of the Earth to hide it.

And for some gringo to go

just as far to dig it up. Huh?

You're a smart boy, Miguel.

And because of that,

I'm gonna let you have

some of what we find.

Ah, remember

you say that.

Oh, I will.

I'm gonna let it have

a little of you too.

Right about here.

Tell your men to start

diggin' right here.

The opening

to the cavern's about two

or three feet down.

A cavern?

That's what the Indians say.

The men who came buried

the treasure in a cavern.

You know,

this thing doesn't look

like a treasure chest, huh?

Looks more

like a casket.

You're right again, amigo.

And inside it is the most

incredible treasure

in the whole world.

Cut the straps.

Come on.

Open it up.

What the f***!

Boys, meet Lilith.

That's it?

That's your

goddamn treasure?

You bet it is.

This here is the most horrible woman

the world has ever known.

And she's all mine.

You sick, pathetic,

little piece of sh*t.

You drag us all the way

to the end of the Earth

for a f***ing stiff?

Vamonos!

This ain't no ordinary stiff,

my friends.

I've been looking for this

little lady for ten long years.

I've searched the four

corners of the Earth...

just

to find her heart...

so I could give it back

to her.

Ahh.

H-How are you doing that?

What can I say, boys?

I know how

to turn a woman on.

Damn.

That's not supposed to happen.

Wake up!

Wake up, you b*tch! Sh*t!

Wrap her up.

We're taking her with us.

You sick

piece of sh*t.

Jefe! Jefe, mira aqu!

Ahora! Aqu est!

- My God, blood. Blood.

Ay, madrecita.

Oh, mama!

- Wh-What is that?

- It's a vampire.

The mother of all vampires!

Come to me.

No! No!

Chill, baby.

- What is that?

- You don't get to the movies

too often, do ya?

- "Movies"?

- It's the only thing

that keeps her in line.

The blood inside gives

whoever possesses the key

total power over Lilith.

It doesn't matter

where the key is.

In a pocket.

In a safe.

Or right in her face.

Isn't that right, sweetheart?

- Hey, beautiful,

if I give you one more,

- What are you doing?

- You promise to behave?

- Anything for you, lover.

You son of a b*tch.

Then she rips his face off,

and she eats him!

I-I know. It-It doesn't sound

like all that much,

but it'll do

great business foreign.

And the cassette...

Believe me.

You know the last picture

that I directed made a fortune.

I don't need to tell you

what a piece of sh*t that was.

No, you don't. I know

what a piece of sh*t it was.

Jack! Jack.

How are you?

Kudos to you, my friend,

on your promotion.

We must do lunch.

Must, must, must.

What a schmuck that guy is.

When I was still acting

in motion pictures,

I couldn't get him

to call me back.

Not a single

goddamn phone call!

Now, of course,

he'd give his left nut

to work with me.

And I'd give my left nut

for this lunch to be over.

Which brings me to why

I've asked you here today.

You and I have been friends

for a long time.

Yes, yes.

We have, haven't we?

Just as well

you feel that way...

because I don't think this tomb

is big enough for the both of us.

Which is why

I would like...

to propose

a friendly little competition.

Winner take all.

You're on, pal.

One.

Two.

- Three!

- My rock beats your scissors!

Give me that hand.

That didn't hurt one bit.

You ready for round two?

Go for it!

Well, kiddies,

looks like your pal the Crypt Keeper's

in for the fright of his life.

Um, I mean death.

Which is kind of like the man

in tonight's tawdry tale.

He's about to meet

the ghoul of his dreams...

in a nasty bit

of scarnal knowledge I call...

Bordello of Blood.

...for all those who

revere him the most,

who aren't afraid to say,

"I walk with the Lord."

That's why everyone here

at the Current World Ministries

has made the Lord's work...

our number one priority.

We can't do

this important work...

Without your

generous donations.

So get out your checkbooks...

and help wipe Satan's slimy hold

from the face of mankind.

The Bible tells us...

Caleb!

Caleb!

Are you out of your mind?

Half the neighborhood

can hear this music!

Well, I am very sorry.

I must apologize.

There! That's for the other half.

Would it kill you

to be considerate

for two seconds of your life?

Yeah,

it probably would.

Well, great.

Keep it down.

Thanks.

I was going out anyway.

Where are you going?

You're my sister,

not my parole officer.

A parole officer's

exactly what you need.

F*** you.

Caleb, look, don't go out looking

for trouble, okay? Stay home. Please?

Are you afraid that I'm gonna go out

and have some fun, for God's sakes?

I know what it is.

You're afraid that maybe I'm

gonna be sentenced to hell!

Well, I got news

for you, sister.

I'm already in hell.

Shut up!

You shut up.

Nice shot, dude.

One more, we win.

Sh*t! What are you

talking about?

All right.

Hey, five bucks

if you hit him in the nuts.

Are you serious?

- What?

- Five bucks in the nuts, man.

- Hey, six bucks if you don't.

- Six dollars?

- We got six dollars over here.

- F*** that. Ten dollars.

Ten f***in' dollars.

You got it.

- Sixteen dollars if you don't.

- Sixteen dollars!

- That's 16.

- Can you beat it?

Can you beat it?

That's too rich,

brother.

- Looks like

we got ourselves a bet.

- Let's go.

Stick him, baby.

Let's go, man.

Son of a b*tch!

Sorry, dude. It slipped.

Look at it this way, pal.

At least they're paying

for the beers.

My kids are gonna

have holes in 'em.

I wish you boys would

stop playing that game.

It's disgusting.

Why don't you just go out

and get yourselves laid?

That's not a bad idea.

Louise, why don't you come over here

and give me a little piece

of what you got goin' on?

You're a little young

for me, honey.

Why don't you come back when you

grow some hair on your nuts,

and we'll talk about it.

Oh, my.

Why don't you come look at my nuts?

They're very nice.

Here's to getting laid, boys.

Sooner or later.

Here's to gettin' laid

sooner and later.

Boys, I know a place...

not too far from here...

where you can get the best

goddamn piece of ass...

in the whole

goddamn world.

They got girls

that'll do things...

there aren't even names for.

Why don't you get f***ed?

I'm talkin' about

gettin' f***ed so good...

you might be able

to crawl home

three days later.

Okay. Okay.

Sounds pretty intense.

All right, man?

325 Bowmont.

Ask for the Cunningham...

wake!

You crazy,

bug-eyed motherf***er!

You better walk away.

I'll kick your ass, man.

Can you believe this a**hole?

He's insane, man.

He's nuts.

Yo, Caleb.

Where you goin', man?

Where the f*** you think?

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