Born Romantic Page #3

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Raphael was to be beatified...

...so he couldn't be seen

to have any earthly desires.

And their great love had to be denied.

I think that's very romantic.

She became a nun.

Spent the rest of her life

in severe contemplation.

Stupid cow.

Have you never been in love?

No.

Too much choice.

No, she was from Llverpool.

Her name's Maureen.

There's no need to be like that.

I'm only trying to find someone.

How old was she?

D-O-C-H-E-R-T-Y.

Hello, you don't know me, but...

She left when?

I'm looking for a Maureen Docherty.

I'm not selling anything. I just want

to know if you've got a Maureen.

I didn't order a cab, did I?

Try El Corazn, mate. It's a nightclub.

- Just a theory.

- What?

What?

Fergus here.

Fergus here.

You needn't go to all this trouble

for me, son.

It's not for you.

You're going to bingo with your pal Irene.

She's meeting you here.

Irene who?

Hello again.

Thanks for coming.

There you go. Back in a tick.

- Where's the chicken?

- I put it in the freezer.

What? But it was in the oven.

It'll go off.

- Can I help?

- Are you Irene?

No, everything's fine.

He's just leaving.

Going to come up to bingo, darling?

I don't cook much. Is it okay?

It's very nice.

It's amazing what you can get

from eating food, isn't it?

I mean, the diseases. It's just scary.

- What do you mean?

- Streptococcus.

Bacteria that grows like beads on a string.

One in 10 people carry it in their mouth.

It's like the things that create pus.

When you have an infection

and you get pus...

...if it gets into food and you cook it,

it just grows and grows.

Makes you sick as a pig.

Pus?

- Are we going to the bingo?

- Dad, this ain't Irene.

This is Jocelyn.

Chicken's the worst.

Salmonella, if you cook it from frozen.

- I'm sure you knew that, so...

- Don't eat that!

Punch me.

Punch me as hard as you like.

Like a rock, my stomach.

Just punch.

Go on, punch.

I punched him.

Snowball?

It's salsa they do in there, isn't it?

Are you any good then?

Tell you the truth, I'm only going

to get my hands on a very elegant lady.

She's a real ring-a-ding-ding, you know?

So what style is it then?

Cuban? Columbian?

What?

The tango is Argentinean,

the bossa nova is Brazilian.

The bamba is Puerto Rican.

You need to get your hips in there.

That's it.

- Let's do a few basics.

- Leave it out.

I thought you wanted to impress a lady.

I'll be the woman.

Okay.

On your left.

Back.

That's it.

Back. All right, now follow me.

Good. All right, now back the other way.

- That's it. Want to try a twirl?

- Yeah.

One, two, three...

Brilliant!

- One more?

- Yeah.

Natural.

- What?

- That was lame, man.

It's not easy.

The faster the music, the shorter the steps.

Want me to lie to you? It was terrible.

Come on.

Everybody up.

Are you dancing?

- What?

- Thought we should speak a bit of Spanish.

- I do speak a bit of Spanish. You don't.

- I don't?

That was Portuguese.

What does that mean?

"I'm not sure."

I'm going to ask you a question.

It's multiple choice.

Salt is "A," pepper is "B."

You don't even have to speak.

All you have to do is pick up "A" or "B."

"A" is yes, and that's the salt.

"B" is no, that's the pepper.

Got that?

Are you attracted to me?

In the sense that you like me,

and you want to see me.

Not romantically, in the romantic sense.

Maybe in the romantic sense,

in the sense that it could be romantic.

Meaning...

Is there any part of you

that feels something for me?

Is there any interest at all?

I mean anything?

Tonight I am elegant.

Tonight I am cool.

You ever see Ocean's Eleven?

Sammy Davis Jr. Says to Dean Martin:

"What would you do

if you had a million dollars?"

Dean says, "I would make all the women

in the world my slaves."

That's how I feel.

Tonight they are all my slaves.

Everybody okay in here?

I've just seen someone

I haven't seen for eight years.

Hi.

Remember me?

Fergus.

Mo, listen. I want to talk to you.

Can I stay at yours?

- You are kidding?

- On the couch.

- I've come all this way to see you.

- Taxi!

The night's still young.

A truck could come round that corner

and kill us right now.

Bus could blow a tire, head on collision.

A slate could fall off a roof and crash

through your windscreen. Instant death.

I can't stop thinking about these things.

Morbidity. That's what you've got.

Always imagining the worst.

Just forget about it.

Because you're absolutely right,

anything could happen.

You should live for the moment.

I just think about the consequences

of everything I do.

Don't you do that?

The consequences aren't always

what you think they're going to be.

That's the way I see it. So why worry?

Hang on a minute. This is mine.

You've put on the beef.

Been thinking about you a lot.

Haven't seen you on Top of the Pops yet.

The band split up.

They were compromising my sound,

bunch of wankers.

Remember when we...

Before you start that "remember when we"

crap, I slipped your mind for eight years.

Don't you think that's slightly insulting?

I loved the bones of you

and you broke my heart. Remember that?

It's taken me years

to get my self respect back.

You're not taking that away again.

See you in the morning.

Don't even think about any lobby creeping.

Another Cava?

Why not?

Keep the noise down. I'm trying to sleep.

You got any paracetamol anywhere?

The kitchen's mine. Get out!

I've got a splitting headache okay.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize he had a flatmate.

I'm not his flatmate, darling.

I'm his ex-wife.

Kitchen's mine! Out!

When I'm good and ready.

- Put your trousers on!

- We're not married!

We're separated,

but we live together, separately.

- Isn't that right?

- Lf you say so, yes.

What's the address here?

- You have a fight?

- Mind your own business.

It is my business. Look.

Faster!

I hate to tell you this,

but I think this place is haunted.

There's two little girls in Edwardian

dresses skipping in your living room.

It was like I was seeing them

through my eyelids. Really scary.

Couldn't sleep with you, could I?

Is that chemist open? Can you stop?

Your side. You'll have to tidy it up.

Are you all right? What are the pills?

Take me home.

- Tell me what the pills are first.

- St. John's f***ing Wort. A f***ing herb!

- You've been in this cab 10 times...

- No, I haven't.

Yes, you have.

10 or 12 times and I've noticed...

...not once have you ever

said a civil word to me.

I've noticed a lot about you, Eleanor.

Just driving you.

More than you think.

Feels like I know you.

You don't know me.

I know your surname is Conroy.

I know you don't drive.

I know you don't drink that much.

I know where you work.

I know what you do there.

I know what perfume you wear.

It's Chanel.

I know your favorite restaurant.

I know you like salsa.

I know you're Ionely.

I am not f***ing Ionely.

I do not want to be in a relationship.

Is that so hard to understand?

Couples make me sick.

Eating off each other's plates,

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