Born Romantic Page #4

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finishing each other's sentences.

Pooling their resources.

In the dictionary, the word "love"

has more definitions than any other.

F*** me over the hostess trolley,

you don't say?

- Okay, what's so great being on your own?

- Where do I start?

I don't have to tell them where

I am every minute of the day.

You don't have to listen to them

talking about their old girlfriends.

You can watch what you want on TV.

Pick your own friends.

You don't have to watch football

or hockey...

...or rugby or tennis or boxing

or Grand Prix racing...

They all come under sport.

Okay. You don't have to...

That it?

Tabasco.

Celery.

F***.

F***!

F***ing hell!

Milk?

I thought you'd remember I don't take milk.

Sugar?

Let's see if you can remember

how many I take.

How am I supposed to remember

how many sugars you take, you prick?

You just f***ed off

and left me without a word. Nothing.

- All right, just relax.

- What are you doing here?

We don't know each other anymore.

You're a stranger to me.

All right.

Just because you've become

a born-again romantic, don't think I have.

I'm happy.

I just wanted to see you.

- Why?

- Because I know I made a mistake.

Not a month has gone by

that I didn't think about you.

A month?

Only once a month?

All right, a week.

I'm serious.

That's why I came looking for you.

You're the one, Mo.

You're my soul mate.

Beat it, Fergus,

before I really lose my temper.

- Come on...

- Go!

- F***ing thing!

- What have you done?

Good one.

Give us a knife. I'll wedge it open.

Just open the door and get out!

What do you think I'm trying to do?

F*** this.

Takes a special kind of person to forgive.

It's a friend's flat. She's a friend.

- Why don't you phone her up?

- Give me her number then.

Close friend?

Two sugars, please.

What I'm after is big band night.

See where I'm going?

The Nelson Riddle, Richard Wess sound.

Take a standard, punch it up.

They had the sound: punchy, jazzy.

We're talking Sinatra, we're talking Darin.

We're talking class.

Target approaching.

- How much?

- I don't know. Wait.

It could be the full 300.

Just wait.

She's coming your way. Strike.

Sh*t.

I got a message from Frankie

to meet him here.

Could you give him these

and tell him I couldn't stay?

I'll tell him.

The fact that you can sing

L- O-V-E is touching.

It's touching...

...but it's not enough.

You live with your ex-wife.

You don't have any money.

You think you're Dean Martin's love child.

Really?

This is your last chance. I mean...

You're a classy broad,

but this is your last chance.

It's now or never.

I'm yours, but only right now.

It's up to you, baby.

That's a relief.

Bye.

What kept you?

Are you okay?

I think my boyfriend just tried to mug me.

Can't trust anybody these days.

He's not my boyfriend as such.

But you know him?

It was his eyes. They're brown.

A little mark in the left iris.

I saw you today.

I'm not Interested.

That's an understandable reaction,

but it'll pass.

See this man here? He jilted me.

We were going to get married

and he left me a week before the wedding.

- Didn't you?

- No.

Don't f***ing lie!

All right, I did. I did it, all right?

Now he's trying to worm his way in again.

- What a sad prick.

- It was panic.

I wasn't ready. I did you a favor.

I'm a better person now.

- You could've talked to me.

- That's my point, I can talk now.

I was immature, a mere kid.

A mere wanker.

Stay!

May the love of God and the peace

of the Lord Jesus Christ...

...bless and console us...

And gently wipe every tear from our eyes.

Hello, Loved Ones, Ltd.

Hello, Jocelyn?

Jocelyn, are you there?

I'm a thief, that's what I do. I steal.

It's the only thing I'm good at.

I'm not even very good at that.

What?

You look good.

Say that to me later when I'm pissed.

You might be in with a chance.

Let's get married.

I'm serious.

What do you want most out of life?

I don't know.

A Grammy.

Wrong answer.

No, after you, obviously.

Obviously!

I never use physical violence, guns,

anything like that.

- Just chloroform.

- I am impressed.

I didn't know it was you.

That's good. It's so much better.

F***ing hell, everybody steals.

What?

If people didn't steal, the insurance

companies would go out of business.

Imagine what that'd do to the economy.

The stock market, pension funds... Chaos.

I'm providing a service. Think about it.

Everybody overcharges.

Everybody diddles tax.

Everybody steals. Everybody!

That ain't a good reason

not to go out with me.

- You should go out with me.

- Really?

I'd rather be dead.

Well, you might as well be.

All your friends are.

One, two, three.

Sorry.

Where are you going?

What's it to you?

We haven't danced yet.

It's okay. I'm fine. I'm over you.

So who wants to be dropped first?

Fun night, girls?

You married, Jimmy?

Married for years.

Happy?

We were very happy.

Were?

I lost her about two years ago.

So, why do you say you're still married?

Doesn't mean I'm not. I still love her.

So, is that her?

That's Ella. I took that.

It's beautiful.

You don't go out with other people then?

I'd be pretending.

People have to move on, don't they?

She'd hate you to be alone, wouldn't she?

I don't feel alone.

There's only so many people

you could love that way.

I don't expect it to happen again.

You! Shift.

Get out.

Any chance of a coffee?

Go on, darling,

make us some cheese on toast.

Just piss off, will you?

Just go.

Let me tell you something about women.

They're filthy.

Whatever preconception you may have had

of the fair sex, get rid of it.

They're filthy.

- I do know that.

- It's patently obvious you don't know that.

- It's obvious you haven't got a clue.

- I did know that.

Let me explain further.

Women don't fall in love.

They're too smart.

- They weigh stuff up. The pros, the cons.

- That I know.

Ever read The Selflsh Gene?

You should read that.

Women don't fall in love. It's not altruistic.

They're genetically designed

to look after number one.

It's all about mutual benefit.

Love doesn't exist, as we know it.

It's a myth.

You should read it.

I'd lend you my copy, but...

...it's mine.

I lied about the band.

They chucked me out.

Got someone younger,

some bloody androgyne.

I've never met anyone

that made me feel the way you do.

I regretted leaving you as soon as I did it.

I thought I'd be all rock 'n' roll.

I didn't want any complications.

You always take what's inside you

wherever you go, and I always took you.

I've changed.

If I was in a mad situation

or something made me laugh...

...things getting weird,

I'd imagine you were there.

Imagine the look on your face.

I'd talk to you.

Had some good laughs with you

when you weren't there.

I was ambitious for all the wrong things.

Now I'm just ambitious for the things

that should be easy.

Happiness, contentment, kids.

I've missed you so much.

I missed you.

If we did get back together,

these are the rules.

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