Born Romantic Page #5

---

You can stay over only one night at a time.

Let's say Monday and Friday nights.

Personal life, on a need to know basis.

No phone calls after midnight.

- And I can see other people.

- No way!

We both can see other people.

All right, for the first two months.

- Three.

- Ten weeks.

Okay. And you have to learn salsa.

And you can't mention the past

more than once a week...

...for the first ten weeks

and then after that, never.

It's a deal.

Like the Hitler-Stalin Pact, isn't it?

How many people have you been with?

- In eight years?

- Well, serious relationships.

I don't know... 20.

20?

- For f***'s sake, 20?

- In eight years.

What? 20 serious relationships?

What about one-night stands?

Double that.

F***ing hell! That's like 60 people!

In eight years.

That's astounding!

I've been careful.

- What about you? In a band?

- There were a few.

The drummer got all the action,

to be honest.

God knows why.

He couldn't play the drums to save his life.

Maybe I was looking for something

to fill up my life.

You must have a fanny

like a bill poster's bucket.

What did you just say?

- I meant, you know, you must be...

- Deal's off.

Come on.

I take that back. That was unnecessary.

You've already broken our agreement.

I didn't even know it'd started?

Shouldn't it start at midnight?

- It starts now, okay?

- Okay, now.

Suppose we should go to bed,

shouldn't we?

Just to make sure.

Definitely. Make sure.

- Concentrate.

- What?

It's this woman, isn't it?

She's f***ing you up.

Just leave it, will you?

Got a job?

- These guys to Kensington.

- Right.

- Busy day, mate?

- No, it's dead.

Go through the park.

I've got to drop something off.

- In the park?

- Yeah.

All right.

Pull up here, mate.

Go on.

You move a muscle

and I'll break his f***ing neck.

Do something! Grab the...

- Ray, you little prick!

- I could see that coming a mile off.

F***, it's you, isn't it? Chloroform man.

- What does she see in you?

- What are you talking about?

You know who. You don't deserve her.

Sh*t.

Don't understand it. F***ing thing.

What's wrong?

You know what's wrong.

Relax. You just feel pressure

because you're being marked out of 10.

- Marked?

- Judged then.

- So are you.

- I'm ahead on points.

There'll be a late surge, don't worry.

- It's just the situation.

- Don't patronize me.

- Where'd you learn that?

- What?

With the toothpaste. Thought my knob

was going to have a stroke.

- I think it has.

- You're a nasty little bastard, aren't you?

What?

I'm a nasty little bastard?

This is a joke.

We can't turn the clock back.

We'll never get it together.

Just get dressed and go.

Relax, all right?

Listen. You've got to pack it in.

The thieving.

You've got to get yourself a job.

I'm dyslexic. Thick as sh*t.

Who'd employ me?

Don't give me that. You just like the rush.

What you do is harder than working,

I know that.

A piece of advice:

Let her give you the rush.

Hi, is Frankie in?

'Afternoon.

What time is it?

So you're not interested in me anymore,

is that it?

Excuse me. Well?

Well, I mean...

You were and now you're not.

It's a passing infatuation.

Is that the story?

If I can say? For me, it was just a shag.

Me, too. It was nothing. Meaningless.

I wouldn't say it was meaningless exactly.

Not meaningless.

Just not very important, but fun.

Excuse me.

That's information that I don't need.

So?

Could we talk about this later?

You know where to find me.

Euston. You're heading home then?

It looks that way.

So it wasn't that simple after all?

You should make a gesture, mate.

They like a sacrifice.

Do something to show her

she's the most important thing in your life.

You've got all the answers, haven't you?

Just turn around here, will you?

- What's this worth to you?

- A lot.

It's a 1956 Gibson. It's yours for nothing.

Mine?

- What do I have to do for it?

- Just teach me to dance.

If you want.

Do again. It's disgusting.

Come on. And go away.

One, two, three, back.

Now do it. One, two, three. Again.

Bravo!

Well done, boys.

Now you are ready for the girls!

Go!

How's tricks then?

I'm getting married as it goes.

Not to that stroppy, jowly,

orally-challenged harpy?

I've had enough of your comments.

I no longer have any faith

in your knowledge of women whatsoever.

Is that a fact?

You're jealous.

You just want what I've got.

You want a stroppy bird.

You crave to be stropped about.

Put a bit of sauce in your life.

- Jealous of you? You've got me all wrong.

- It just eats you up.

You're a delusional fool.

Women are fighting a guerilla war.

The tactics are dirty.

They take no prisoners.

I freely admit that I'm a pussyholic.

Rather that than p*ssy whipped.

A pussyholic?

When is the last time you had a shag?

- When?

- Doesn't deserve a reply.

- When?

- The other night. Thursday.

You were on all night Thursday.

I meant Wednesday.

You don't know anything about women,

do you? You're scared of them.

Face it, we can't live without women.

We need them.

Just accept it, mate.

Barney, isn't it? I'm a friend of Eddie's.

I've got a son called Eddie.

I know, that's who I mean.

- Are you going some place?

- The beach.

- Where?

- What?

Sh*t! Dad, get in here. Come on.

Put some clothes on.

I met him at King's Cross.

Cheers. Well, come in?

No, thanks.

I'm looking for work.

A new leaf and all that.

Good.

Can we start again? From the beginning.

Like you stealing my purse?

All right, from before the beginning then.

That means we've never met,

so you don't even exist.

Let's pretend you brought Barney home

and we just met.

Tea?

I wouldn't have brought him home.

I wouldn't have known where you lived!

Let's say he told you where I lived.

This is it, first meeting.

If this was our first meeting, I wouldn't

be impressed and I wouldn't hang about.

- You don't know that.

- I do know that.

- What's that?

- A present.

- Let's go to the Day of the Dead.

- I can't fly.

- Sure you can.

- No, they crash.

We'll get a boat.

Encyclopedla of Dlseases.

I lied.

- When?

- When I said I was over you.

You're not?

Can't see it happening.

I hope you realize

that familiarity breeds contempt.

Why don't you give yourself

and the rest of the world a break?

Dance?

Yeah.

You been taking lessons?

Where'd you get the money?

I sold my guitar.

You know when you've made a mistake...

...you get panic attacks.

You feel sick because for the rest

of your life you'll only feel half...

...of what you could've felt.

I felt like that for the last eight years.

Why me? Why this?

Why are you so interested in me?

Don't you like it?

It's the best present

anyone's ever bought me.

- What's wrong with that?

- I'm a weirdo.

If you like me,

you must be a weirdo as well.

Well, yeah.

I never wanted what other people wanted,

until now.

Until you.

- You can't steal.

- I'll get a job.

- You can't change me.

- Don't want to.

You can't die before me.

Wouldn't even think about it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes