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Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour Page #4
- Year:
- 1995
- 1,678 Views
RICHIE:
Now look, i've got some chlorette, east of Java, Chernobyl-o foam here. Yeah, that should do the trick. Now, try not to inhale it, I brought it off an Iraqi.
(Eddie takes the lid off, and a noxious yellow gas emanates from it instantly.)
EDDIE:
Yes. On the, sort of... Ethnic end of the cleansing spectrum.
RICHIE:
Go on, get on with it.
EDDIE:
Right.
(Eddie exits through the right hand door, and turns right.)
EDDIE:
Right, here we go.
(The sound of Eddie pouring the Chernobyl-o foam down the toilet can be heard, followed by a tremendous explosion. Eddie stumbles backwards past the right hand door, with plumes of smoke flooding in through it.)
EDDIE:
Bloody nora.
(Richie doesn't seem to have noticed, he's too engrossed in the newspaper.)
EDDIE:
It's on the vigorous side, isn't it??
RICHIE:
And then, Eddie, at 12:20, The Queen accelerates down Mafeking Parade on her way out, right past the maisonette.
EDDIE:
The What?
RICHIE:
The Pomme-De-Terre
EDDIE:
What's that?
RICHIE:
Oh god, the Sty.
EDDIE:
OH, you mean the flat!
RICHIE:
Yes, the flat! Oh, god, what is the point? Honestly, it's like Oscar Wilde living with Hilda Ogden.
EDDIE:
Yeah, she must have had a tough time of it, living with that wanker.
RICHIE:
Now Eddie, that is when we set off the firework.
EDDIE:
Right.
RICHIE:
Now have you prepared the firework?
EDDIE:
What firework?
RICHIE:
EDDIE:
OH THAT'S WHAT IT'S FOR??
RICHIE:
Yes!
(Eddie laughs manically.)
EDDIE:
I, I thought we were just vaguely celebrating the fact that Oxford sounds a bit like “Do you want to come in my mouth.”
(Richie looks confused.)
EDDIE:
Yes, i've, i've got the firework right here, up my back passage.
(Eddie exits, mimicking a much longer fanfare.)
RICHIE:
(mouths) he's mad!
(Richie turns around and sees Eddie wheeling in a garishly patriotic firework, complete with union jacks sticking out of the grey lump. Eddie's fanfare comes to a climactic end.)
EDDIE:
That is my firework.
RICHIE:
Crikey o'trousers, Eddie, it certainly looks powerful enough. What does it actually do, this, this, this, this, this firework?
EDDIE:
Well, now, you see, what we do is, we press the plunger here.
RICHIE:
Yes.
EDDIE:
Right? And the firework...
RICHIE:
Yes?
EDDIE:
It flies out of the window.
RICHIE:
Out of the window.
EDDIE:
It flies out of the window.
RICHIE:
Out of the window.
EDDIE:
And then...
RICHIE:
Yes?
EDDIE:
Right, then.
RICHIE:
Yes? Yes?
EDDIE:
Then!
RICHIE:
Yes? Yes? Yes?
EDDIE:
THEN!
RICHIE:
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
(Richie whimpers as he ejaculates inside his trousers.)
EDDIE:
Then it's sort of into the realms of the unknown. Do you remember that space shuttle, “Challenger”?
RICHIE:
The one that, sort of, blew up?
EDDIE:
Yes, well, you see, now this has got the same sort of... “feel”.
RICHIE:
What, a sort of “whoosh” “Oh crikey” “KERBLAM!” feel?
EDDIE:
Yes, you see, I thought that that would attract the attention of the Queen. “what the f*** was that?”
RICHIE:
Well, I think you're bloody right, Eddie.
EDDIE:
Yeah.
RICHIE:
But what's the big, grey lump of sweaty stuff?
EDDIE:
Well, that's you, isn't it?
RICHIE:
Oh, right. So it is. No, no, no, but what's the other big, grey, sweaty lump?
EDDIE:
Well, that's me, isn't it?
RICHIE:
Alright, so we're both here, then.
RICHIE AND EDDIE:
Hooray.
RICHIE:
And, uh, what's this?
(Richie points to the grey lump adorned with union jacks.)
EDDIE:
Oh, that's the semtex.
(Richie is taken aback, and chuckles nervously.)
RICHIE:
The, er, what!?
EDDIE:
We both want a really good bang, don't we?
RICHIE:
Well, well i think that goes without saying, Eddie, but i'm trying to talk about explosives. I mean, isn't this... I mean, isn't...
(Richie fucks up his lines.)
EDDIE:
What?
RICHIE:
Bit of a f*** up here.
EDDIE:
Yes. Sounds like you've got a bit of a frog in your throat.
RICHIE:
Yes. I must stop giving blowj*bs to Charles (???).
EDDIE:
Yes.
(The audience claps.)
RICHIE:
Shh, f*** off, f*** off, go home.
(The plot resumes.)
RICHIE:
But, I mean, isn't, isn't semtex, sort of, vaguely illegal?
EDDIE:
Nah, nah, nah
RICHIE AND EDDIE:
Nah, nah.
EDDIE:
God bless you, nah. IT'S COMPLETELY ILLEGAL!
RICHIE:
SEXY! We are the Hammersmith hard men.
(Richie does a little end, and ends with jazz hands.)
RICHIE:
Where on earth did you get it?
EDDIE:
Car boot sale. Yeah, bit of a grut on the market since the ceasefire, you know? Got it off these two blokes, Michael O'Hooligan and Patricia O'Violence.
RICHIE:
ooh.
EDDIE:
And their friend was there... Pat O'Cake.
(Richie looks surprised. Eddie can't even look Richie in the eye.)
RICHIE:
Pat O'Cake?
(Eddie doesn't respond, and just looks down, sheepishly, grinning like a schoolboy. The audience claps.)
EDDIE:
(To audience) Shut the f*** up.
RICHIE:
Pat O'Cake?
EDDIE:
Pat O'Cake.
RICHIE:
Bakers man?
EDDIE:
That's the one, yes. God, I love that gag.
RICHIE:
What a sad, lonely life you must lead.
EDDIE:
I'm afraid it is, yes.
RICHIE:
Right, on with the plot, Eddie.
EDDIE:
Right you are. THERE'S A PLOT!?
RICHIE:
Yes.
EDDIE:
Ooh, f***. Right.
RICHIE:
Right, this is the plan? Eddie, are you listening?
EDDIE:
No!
RICHIE:
Good, saves time.
EDDIE:
Right
RICHIE:
Right. 12:
20, ok, 12:20, the Queen comes past. We set off the firework. BOOM! It explodes attractively, cascades of light. The Queen looks up “What the f*** was that?” She sees two slim, young, patriotic subjects. We look patriotic.(Richie and Eddie do a Nazi salute, while using their other hand to make a Hitler mustache.)
RICHIE:
And then, we give her the old swagger.
EDDIE:
The old swagger!
RICHIE:
The old swagger!
(Richie and Eddie shake about with their pelvis sticking out, turn around, shake their arses, imitate milk shooting out of their nipples, and then a cumshot. The audience cheers.)
RICHIE:
Ha ha! Hey, we haven't lost it, have we, Eddie?
EDDIE:
Nah. Well, we never bloody found it in the first place, did we?
RICHIE:
That's true. “Crikey O'Blimey” shouts the Queen.
EDDIE:
Right?
RICHIE:
“Hit. The. Brakes!”
(Eddie imitates tyres screeching.)
RICHIE:
“I must go upstairs and have tea with those two young subjects immediately.”
EDDIE:
Right.
RICHIE:
So, up she comes. Diddly-Doo.
EDDIE:
Diddly-doo.
RICHIE:
Knighthoods, knighthoods. We become eligible bachelors around town, the birds come flocking round. Porky, porky, pork.
RICHIE AND EDDIE:
At last!
RICHIE:
Ensured, Ensured, never-ending, relentless BIRD-O-RAMA!
(Richie imagines a sexy horde of women getting rapid fired towards his face, as he flaps his hands in front of his face. Eddie imagines a horde of women all on top of him, as he wags his tongue lustfully, grabbing at many imaginary girls. He then pulls out an imaginary pube from his teeth.)
RICHIE:
So it's bye-bye Moby, I'll see you on the other side.
(he waves goodbye to his crotch.)
RICHIE:
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"Bottom Live: The Big Number 2 Tour" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 30 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/bottom_live:_the_big_number_2_tour_24482>.
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