Boys on the Side

SCENE 1

JANE:

Thank you. I'm Jane DeLuca, this is Johnny Figgis,

and our band.

MAN:

I'm going to take a leak, Babe.

WOMAN:

Bye.

JANE:

Did you see that b*tch, man?

JOHNNY:

F*** her.

JANE:

I'm going to f*** her!

JOHNNY:

Wait! J...J...Jane!

JANE:

Girl, that man is so fine!

WOMAN:

Yeah, actually he is.

JANE:

Is this your first date?

WOMAN:

Mm hm. Listen, do you need to clear something? Go

ahead and take everything, just leave us the glasses.

JANE:

No, I was the singer up there. You didn't see me? I

was like signaling and going like this to you.

WOMAN:

What are you talking about?

JANE:

You don't know? Oh Baby! You had the biggest,

greenest thing hanging out of your nose, so I kept

going like this.

WOMAN:

Oh my God. You could see it from up there?

JANE:

Baby, it looked like Gumby doing Tarzan. It was huge!

WOMAN:

Oh my God! All right.

JANE:

You know.

SCENE 2

MAN:

You blew my rent, man! I had an important A &R guy

coming down and you f***ed me! You know what? You're

outta here! You're canceled! Forget it!

JOHNNY:

No, you can't...Hey, wait!

MAN:

Wait for what? Till you learn to sing?

JANE:

What's up with him? What did he want?

JOHNNY:

You wanna know what's up with him? That son-of-a-

b*tch just f***ed us!

SCENE 3

JANE:

You know, this town is dead for me anyway. We got

that gig in L.A., we'll just leave a little early.

JOHNNY:

Yeah, well maybe this is trying to telling us

something. You know what I'm saying?

JANE:

Yeah, it's telling us we're f***ing fired! That's

what it's telling us.

JOHNNY:

Well, no, not just this. I mean, maybe L.A. isn't the

answer to our problems.

JANE:

Well, what does that mean?

JOHNNY:

Well, Tommy hooked me up with some studio work in the

city. It's good money. It's in the city. And I've

got to think of Debbie here, you know?

JANE:

Oh, Debbie? Isn't that the little girl in Queens who

sets her hair everyday, this is suddenly a factor?

TAXI:

Yo! Get the f*** outta the way!

JANE:

You get the f*** out of my way! Do you understand?

Go back to Pakistan!

JOHNNY:

Look, I've gotta be realistic here, all right? I've

got to look ahead. I mean, how long have you've been

doing this sh*t? What, for seventeen years? Look...

JANE:

Look, what? Look, what?!

JOHNNY:

I don't want that to happen to me, okay?

JANE:

You should be so lucky!

JOHNNY:

Hey, I got priorities here, you know!

JANE:

You know, she's holding you back, man. Everybody says

it. She's like Yoko with bangs!

JOHNNY:

They don't say that she's holding me back, okay?

Look. All I'm saying is, don't go to L.A. All right?

I mean, even if you don't got sh*t going on here, you

still got all that voice-over stuff...

JANE:

Let me tell you something, man. You stay here. You

stay here and you play daddy, okay? I'm gone.

JOHNNY:

Jane!

SCENE 4Jane is packing her things, finds an

advertisement in the newspaper asking for a driver to

drive to the west coast.

SCENE 5

JANE:

That was in '78. I was supposed to be the new Aretha,

but the old Aretha was the new Aretha and I was

neither one, so I was something that no one had ever

seen before.

ROBIN:

Sure.

JANE:

So I'm gettin' the f*** out! (To waitress): Could I

get some french fries, please?

WAITRESS:

Coming right up.

JANE:

You know, head down to L.A., get some gigs going, get

the heat happening.

ROBIN:

Well, great. That's perfect because I can drop you

there, and then head on to San Diego on my own.

JANE:

Great.

ROBIN:

You know, I used to sing, too.

JANE:

Oh really?

ROBIN:

Mm hm. Nothing professional. Mostly amateur talent

competitions.

JANE:

Oh, "Star Search" or something?

ROBIN:

Sort of. Only I never made it that far. I played the

piano and sang.

JANE:

What did you sing?

ROBIN:

"Way Over Yonder." Carole King. "Close to You." The

Carpenters. It was the seventies.

JANE:

"Close to You"?

ROBIN:

You know, why do birds suddenly appear every time you

appear, "Just like me, they long to be..."

JANE:

Yeah, I know. I know. Why San Diego?

ROBIN:

Well, why not? You know. I'm in real estate, and

right now the market is just unbelievably bad. And I

think sometimes you have to make a change. You have

to take control and say: "Things are going to be

different. I can make them different if I believe in

them in my heart."

JANE:

Hey, f*** "Star Search." You should have been Miss

America.

SCENE 6

ROBIN:

Um, I hope you don't mind my mentioning this: no

smoking in the car.

JANE:

What do you mean, no smoking?

ROBIN:

No smoking in the car.

JANE:

Whatsoever?

ROBIN:

I'm going uptown. Can I give you a lift? Yoo hoo!

Taxi!

JANE:

No, I have a car. One in which I smoke...

ROBIN:

So what do you think? I think it could work.

JANE:

I'll let you know in a couple of days, okay?

ROBIN:

Because I really need to leave, as soon as possible,

and I just don't want to it alone. I don't think that

would be safe. And you're the first person that

answered the ad. I think that's a sign of something.

I think you'd be fine. I mean, I think our

personalities would mesh.

JANE:

Look, Robin, right? You're a nice lady and I'm sure

there's a lot of things about yourself that you just

can't help and I understand that. But I don't f***in'

think we mesh at all. And I'm sure there's somebody

out there who wants to go cross country with the

whitest woman on the face of the earth, singing

Carpenter songs and reliving childhood memories. But

it ain't me. (To tow truck driver): Hey! That's my

car, man! Hey! That's my car! Hey! That's my car!

ROBIN:

That's gonna cost at least $200 to get your car back.

SCENE 7

MAN:

Okay, Jane. Good luck in L.A., man. Earthquakes,

fires, riots...they got some real crazy bastards out

there in California. I don't know why you want to go

out there anyway. (To other mover): Hey, easy with

that piano!

SCENE 8Robin is packing, putting notes on

everything.

SCENE 9Jane is packing her tapes.

SCENE 10Robin lies awake in bed.

SCENE 11

ROBIN:

Good morning!

SCENE 12

JANE:

Listen, I've got a friend in Pittsburgh. Do you mind

if we stop, pick her up and take her out for lunch?

ROBIN:

No, absolutely. No problem. Deal. (Takes picture):

Smile! (Remembers childhood memory): My brother

threw up, right here, near Exit 7. I remember, we

pulled over.

JANE:

How come he's not making this trek with you down

memory lane? Or does he have a life?

ROBIN:

He doesn't, as a matter of fact. He died of cancer

when he was six.

JANE:

Oh, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Man.

ROBIN:

Would you mind if I used your headphones?

JANE:

No, go ahead.

SCENE 13

ANSWER:

MACHINE:

"Hi, you've reached Nick and Holly, leave a

message...(Jane hangs up).

SCENE 14

WOMAN:

There's a sick lady in the bathroom. Is she with

somebody here?

WAITRESS:

She's outside.

WOMAN:

Is that your friend in there in the bathroom?

JANE:

Yeah.

WOMAN:

Girl, you better get in there. She's in there

throwin' up.

JANE:

Thanks.

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