Brassed Off Page #4

-What are you on about?

-Shall we call it a day, eh?

Evening, love.

Night.

All right, Andy lad. What've you

been up to?

A bit of extra

practice, like.

-You're a genius you, aren't you?

-What?

Well, it takes a speciaI talent that,

practicing...

-without your instrument.

-l must've left it in there, l'll...

-l'll pick it up tomorrow.

-Right.

Gloria on good form,

is she?

-Night, Andy lad.

-Night, Danny.

Mr MacKenzie, could l have a

quick word?

WeII, l'm actually rather busy,

Gloria.

Yes, so am l. l just wanted to make

sure l wasn't busy for no reason.

It's just some of the information

l need...

it's Iike getting bIood out of

a stone.

I feel Iike I'm flogging a dead

horse sometimes and I...

Shall we stop talking in riddIes,

GIoria?

I'm worried that my report

may be sort of...

immateriaI.

Your report is vital...

absoIutely paramount.

lf this pit goes to review,

and we hope it wiII...

we have cruciaI decisions to make and

we can't make them without detaiIed...

accurate reports from highIy

quaIified people such as yourself.

lt's a tricky business, GIoria.

AII we want to do

is get it right.

Okay?

Yeah.

Eh up, Andy. Look, there's your mate,

Miss Glorious Tits.

What's she doing here?

Now then, what's a nice girI like you

doing in a horribIe place like this?

Oh, hiya.

Hi, Andy.

Hiya.

-l came up to meet Andy out of work.

-He's not out of work yet, love.

Come back next week.

l just wondered if you wanted a

quick practice, Andy?

No he can't Iove. He's going

for a pint with us.

-Oh, right, well...

-See you.

That's all right, isn't it Andy?

Nice pint and a chat.

We can taIk about

price of fish...

plight of t'T hird WorId...

pros and cons

of t'sweeper system...

and why your bird's got management

Iogo on her key-ring.

Still, it doesn't make her the

devil incarnate, does it?

What does it make Andy here?

That's what I want to know.

Lay off him, eh, Jim. He said he

didn't know.

With legs like that round

your back...

you don't stop and ask for

a reference, do you?

-lt's a mistake anyone could've made.

-Aye...

and by heII, we aIl wish we'd

made it.

-This isn't funny.

-Nowt wrong with shagging management.

They've been shagging

us long enough.

Oh, don't tell me Andy. Itweren't

shagging...

it were true love.

-Are you pIaying, Andy?

-No. He's had enough fun for one week.

I'm not a kid

anymore, Jim, right?

Oh, aye?

-OId enough to be a scab, then.

-Jim.

lt's right, Andy,

he doesn't mean it.

You don't mess around

with words Iike that.

Aye, l'm sorry, Andy.

Take it back.

You'rejust a stupid f***er.

That's more Iike it.

l'll catch you later, lads.

Where are you off, then?

HeIIo, kids.

My name's Mr ChuckIes.

HeIIo, Mr Chuckles.

-Now, do you like card tricks?

-Yeah.

Will you heIp me with this

card trick?

Come here, come here. Now,

what you have to do...

is pick a card from there.

Don't let me see it.

And show it to aII your friends so

that they can alI see it.

Now put it back

anywhere you Iike.

Tell me when you've

done it. Done it?

Now l'm going to shuffle them aII up.

Did you see what the card was?

Don't tell me.

The card was the Jack of Hearts.

No.

-Queen of Clubs?

-No.

-What were it then?

-Ace of Spades.

Correct!

AlI right now, Scott.

I'm going to put your watch there and

l'm going to foId this over...

Once, twice, three times, four.

Just Iike that. AII right.

And, with this hammer, Scott,

l want you to give that watch...

-a great big smack.

-No.

When l say

the magic words, Scott.

-This isn't your main job, is it?

-l'm a miner.

A miner?

You remember them, Iove,

dinosaurs, dodos...

miners.

-Sorry Sandra, you're a bit short.

-How much?

-One fitty.

-What's up with you?

What's it to be?

-What about them aeroplane things?

-What?

-Them things with wings on?

-No, l need them.

Here you are, Iove, put that back.

We'll use soap.

Sorry, Vera. Me and sums, not what

you'd call the best of friends.

Me and money, total frigging

strangers.

Sorry Iove.

StilI need another sixty.

l tell you what, give it us next

week, all right?

Are you sure?

Don't forget your receipt.

-Come on.

-See you, love.

Get back in

here now with that.

-Who do you think you bIeeding are?

-Get off.

-Hey.

-Bastard.

Come here, you bastards.

What do you think

you're f***ing doing?

What do you think you're

f***ing pIaying at?

l told you, pal. It's pay day.

Yeah, aII right.

Right.

Just give us a

bit of time, eh?

It's been ten years mate.

Pay day's pay day, pal.

Especially when it's

tweIve grand.

-Twelve?

-Aye, it's that interest, isn't it?

-It's a bugger.

-Well, what about...

-Can you wait till twenty first?

-Twenty first?

Oh, aye.

Coco the scab, eh?

-We'll be back with truck.

-Truck? What for?

Contents.

Until you pay up, like.

lf you touch my kids again,

l'll f***ing kill you.

What the frigging hell's this?

lt's a frigging dent, that's

what it is.

Andy Barrow lent it me.

He'lI go frigging barmy.

-Hiya, Danny love. You welI?

-Oh, aye, can't complain, Betty.

-What time do they announce result?

-About five-ish or summat, l think.

-l didn't know you were that bothered.

-Whole town's bothered, Iove.

Can't do without pit.

l thought you were taIking

about Semi-Finals.

Honest, Danny,

a day Iike today...

You think anyone's interested in

some daft football match?

AlI right, love?

That's it. You bugger off and blow

your bloody trumpet.

BIimey, a conversation.

Harry, in a month's time when you're

at home all day and there's ...

nowt but doIe coming in, at Ieast

l can know that I did summat.

It weren't much, but it were best l

could do and at least it were summat.

What are you on about?

Ten years ago before the strike,

you were so fuIl of fight.

Packed fuII of passion,

you were.

Now you just do nowt.

AII you do is blow your bIoody

trumpet.

Aye, but at least...

At least what?

People listen to us.

Go on, sod off.

And it's

a bloody euphonium.

You know, l can't tell a Iie. I were

never one for brass bands before.

But when you hear that sound, when

you're near that sound...

-doesn't haIf grab you, doesn't it?

-Aye, it does that.

But you know, folk like Danny,

it's taken over their Iives.

I'd never Iet that happen.

-Gorgeous.

-Oh, yeah.

AII right, Bernard.

-Jim, Ernie.

-Danny.

-Hi, Danny.

-Hello, Danny.

BIoody helI. Hi, Harry.

Make an effort, Andy.

BIoody helI, son.

What's happened to you?

Sorry, Dad.

-Bit of a domestic, Iike.

-But you know this is a special...

Sandra did that?

To you?

No.

Go on, get on t'bus.

Get it cIeaned up.

Bang goes the Deportment Prize,

any road.

We're going to win this one. Look.

Your Phil's got a new trombone.

We off, then?

AII right, StanIey.

Halifax here we come.

Shift, wiII you? Stop fighting

aII the time.

Votes for redundancy.

Seven hundred and ninety-eight.

The winners, with 194 points,

"The Grimley Colliery Band" .

Harry.

Rita, Iove.

Fourto one against,

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