Breakfast Of Champions

---

Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover,

slashing prices 'cause we're

goin' bananas for Hawaiian week.

Come on down to Exit 11 Motor Village.

I'm gonna slash some

prices just for you!

Hey, ask anybody. You

can trust Dwayne Hoover.

I think we're onto something-

The deadly germ anthrax

for use as a weapon-

- I- I- - Is there

something you wanted to say?

- I'm sorry.

- Sorry?

Sorry I made us order the

pepperoni and anchovies.

Your breakfast, Mrs. Hoover.

When your stomach is under attack,

fight back with

maximum-strength Trypepton.

Now available in new orange flavor.

Soothing, fast relief naturally.

So, now how do you feel?

Take my hand

I'm a stranger in paradise

I'm lost in a wonderland

A stranger in paradise

stand starry-eyed

That's a danger in paradise

For mortals who stand beside

- An ngel like you

- Mr. Hoover!

Breakfast of champions!

Breakfast of champions, Mr. Hoover!

Great news, people. Today's not the day.

- Hello, Lottie.

- Hello, sir.

white Shoulders. You know I love it.

Dwayne? The poison bubbles almost won.

The poison bubbles almost won.

The poison bubbles almost won.

Talk to me. Please.

well, Hawaiian week

down at the showroom.

I saw your ad on TV,yes!

- Please say something.

- well, what should I say?

Anything you feel like

sayin'. You're Dwayne Hoover!

People know who ya are, don't they?

That's right, Lottie.

They do know who I am.

who am I?

Please?

Oh, hi, folks. Dwayne Hoover here...

from Dwayne Hoover's

Exit 11 Motor Village.

we're searching the seven seas to find you

a whale of a deal on a new car or truck.

- Are you sorry?

- Stop on in just for the hell of it...

and reel yourself in a good deal.

- You can trust Dwayne Hoover.

- Sure. Sure, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry as heck.

- Then say something.

well, what should I say, Celia?

I mean, I'm just- I'm

just looking for a-

Each Monday, millions

of Americans suffer from-

A sign.

Anything really, Celia.

I mean, all day long and-

Not much, you know? I mean-

Boy-

There are days when I just

think, is it me or what?

- what?

- Yeah.

- I know what you can say, Dwayne.

- what?

- You can say- -

Join millions who say-

Good-bye, Blue Monday.

I have never experienced such

safe, fast and effective relief.

- Oh. - I can finally say,

"Good-bye, Blue Monday. "

No, no. No, no, Nippy.

No, no! No! No, Nippy!

I swear I'm armed! I'll shoot!

Hey!

Nippy!

Hey!

Nippy! Nip!

This is how dogs get themselves killed.

Wedding day

In, oh, so many ways Ha!

Oh, wedding day

If I saw you on your wedding day

Dear Mr. Kilgore Trout.

My name is Eliot Rosewater,

and this is a fan letter.

Plague on wheels is the greatest novel-

Plague on wheels is the greatest

novel in the English language.

"I promise to make you famous. You

should be president of the United States. "

what the hell? I mean,

look at the handwriting.

It must be from a kid of 14.

" Promise to make you famous. "

My first fan letter ever, and I'll

show you what I'm gonna do with it.

watch this.

Two hundred novels, 2,000 short stories.

Never heard back from

one publisher, not one,

except that wide-open beaver outfit,

and they didn't pay me doodley-squat.

And then I get a fan letter.

well, I'll burn you out of my body bag.

I'll be glad when it's over.

Can't wait till my head's as

empty as the day I was born...

onto this damaged planet

all those years ago.

Empty as a child's,

a very young child's.

That's why I wrote those stories, Bill.

Get rid of all the junk

that's built up over the years.

Hey, folks, it's me

- Dwayne Hoover.

Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover.

Going bananas down here. Dwayne Hoover.

Dwayne Hoover. Hey, folks, it's me.

Dwayne Hoover.

There he goes, Grace. He's drivin'

by the house because he knows!

I'm tellin' ya, Grace! He knows!

He doesn't know a damn thing, Harry.

Now, will you please get

over here and sit down?

Oh.

I'm telling you, Grace, Dwayne Hoover-

Dwayne Hoover knows everything.

Harry, that is such bullshit.

Dwayne Hoover doesn't

know his son is a freak.

He doesn't know his wife is suicidal.

He doesn't know. Besides, who

cares if Dwayne Hoover knows?

Oh, well, I care,

because I'm his sales manager,

and I'm telling you that Dwayne Hoover is

saying and doing things he never used to.

- Come here, big boy.

- Grace, listen to me.

- I got somethin'you want. - I've

known Dwayne Hoover for over 21 years.

I know him the way a combat

soldier knows his buddy.

Jesus, he knows me.

- Harry, first of all, listen to me.

- Yes.

You were never in the army.

Second of all, we're the only people in this

whole town who have any kind of sex life.

You should be proud.

Grace, I try, but I can't.

Oh,Jesus. I'm the

freak, not Dwayne Hoover.

Me! I mean, look. I got a sex problem.

I'll tell you who has

a sex problem, Harry.

How many orgasms do you think Dwayne

Hoover has a month, huh? Lift your skirt up.

I don't care how many times

Dwayne Hoover comes a month.

I have 87, and you have 36.

People like Dwayne Hoover

have 1.5. 1.5, Harry.

Now, that is sick.

Let's move to Hawaii and get a condo

in Maui like we've always wanted.

Oh, Grace, you know we can't.

I mean, think of my job.

Think how long it's taken

me to become what I am.

Maui.

Maui.

- Maui.

- Maui.

Hey!

Get out of the car, a**hole!

I'm gonna teach you a lesson-

why, you're Mr. Dwayne Hoover.

I bought my new car down

at Exit 11 Motor Village.

- where am I?

- Oh, Sugar Creek Estates.

- What is happening here?

- Don't worry. Somebody just dumping sludge in the creek.

But the guys are gettin'it cleaned up.

You can go on through if you want to, but

keep it kind of slow for me, will ya, please?

- Be nice and safe. - Hey! You can't

go there! I got your license plate!

That was Mr. Hoover from Exit 11.

Oh, I should have got his autograph.

Doggone it. My wife's never

gonna believe that I did this.

- what's that?

- Another special delivery.

Two in one week. You ain't

dead yet, old man. Here you go.

Dear Mr. Trout, My

name is Fred T. Barry,

chairman of the arts festival, celebrating

the opening of the Mildred T. Barry...

Memorial Center for the

Arts in Midland City.

It would be our most profound honor...

for you to be one of our

creative and distinguished...

out-of-town

participants.

This check for dollar1,000

is for travel expenses...

and an honorarium.

- why all this sudden interest

in Kilgore Trout, Bill, huh?

Some mistake's been made. No question.

Maybe they've invited me because

they know I've got a tuxedo.

Ever show you my

tuxedo, Bill, huh? Yeah.

If they really want Kilgore Trout,

they'll want him in a tuxedo.

Ah. Yeah.

High school dance.

Believe it or not, once

even I was young, Bill.

Me. Hey.

Yeah, it's quite a good fit, huh?

Hey, Bill, what is that?

Cha, cha, cha

Cha, cha-

I'm too old for all that.

why go all the way out to Midland City

just to make a laughingstock of myself?

I'm my only fan.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes