Breakfast Of Champions Page #2

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Anyway, if I went out

there, I'd want to read...

out loud from my own stuff.

Means I'd have to go to those

wide-open beaver bookshops...

and dig out some of my published work.

They don't want nothin'

but smilers out there.

Unhappy failures need not apply.

Maybe unhappy failures is

exactly what they should see.

Show those provincials what nobody's

ever seen before at an arts festival.

Someone who's devoted his entire

life searching for truth and beauty...

and didn't find doodley-squat.

The creator who's failed

and failed and failed.

Think there's anybody in Midland City

who'd listen to a cockroach like that, Bill?

Anybody at all, huh?

Maybe it's my missin, Bill.

Think it could be my missin?

Dwayne?

Yeah.

Happy, happy birthday

From your staff all who

we wish you happy birthday

So we could party too Hey!

See? See, Francine?

What'd I tell you?

Something's come over him.

- I've never seen this Dwayne before.

- Oh, Harry.

Dwayne may be the most charming man in

Midland City, but he's also very shy.

I don't find him so charming anymore.

He was walking away from me just now.

Oh, Harry. Dwayne Hoover has fewer

bad days than anybody else I know.

- But why me?

- Oh, Harry!

why me?

Dwayne? Honey!

- Not now, Francine.

- I mean, Mr. Hoover.

- Just leave me alone, please.

- we didn't mean to embarrass you.

- I was embarrassed.

- Sweetheart, can we have breakfast?

Please? After all, it's your birthday.

Don't touch me. They're all watching.

Nobody can see what we're

doing. Nobody can hear us.

Hey!

- Francine.

- what?

- why are you pouring cream on

my bananas? - It's not cream.

It's La Creme. It's

like cream only better

I only like sugar on my

bananas. Francine, you know that.

I don't like when you're

sharp, Dwayne Hoover,

and you've been sharp

quite a lot lately.

It's beginning to make me think that the

things Harry Le Sabre says about you are true.

what things? what's Harry saying?

Oh, that you've changed, that

you're not the man you used to be.

I swear, Francine, this is why I go home

and talk to my dog for hours and hours,

and my dog hates my guts.

Dwayne Hoover, am I losing you?

The only thing anyone's losing

around here is their mind, Francine.

If you don't like me anymore, Dwayne

Hoover,just say so. I can take the truth.

Truth, truth, truth.

Damn, Rosemary, take them damn pills!

You're turnin' me into plutonium!

Good morning, Mr. Hoover.

- You're looking especially well

this morning. - Excuse me!

we are having a private-

Francine! I mean, sir! I'm sorry-

we are having a private

conversation, if you don't mind.

we gotta get outta here right now!

Get your hands off me, murderer! I

want Dwayne Hoover to take me home.

Vernon, this is a demerit

on your performance record.

I know things that could

make your head spin.

My head spins all the time.

I'm trying to make it stop.

we gotta get outta here right now!

Oh, I can't stand that

woman. She is such a phony.

That was a real violation of protocol.

Dwayne? Dwayne?

Hey, I didn't know Vernon had

an SE coupe just like mine.

- Rosemary!

- I don't care! I love him!

- Francine.

- Except he's got a rear deck spoiler.

- Francine, please.

- They look awfully masculine,

don't you think, Dwayne?

- Francine, please be quiet.

- Dwayne, are you changing again?

- Harry was right.

- Oh, shut up!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Francine. I didn't mean it.

- Sit down, please.

- No!

Mr. Hoover, I am crossing the

street and going directly to work.

Hey, Dwayne Hoover. How ya doin'?

I will behave in a professional manner

no matter how much you've changed.

A thousand dollars.

That's a lot of paper.

A lot of paper a thousand dollars.

who in their right mind would

give me a thousand dollars?

why me?

And they think I can write? I can write?

I'll show 'em.

Howdy, partners! Dwayne Hoover here!

And the stampede is on at Dwayne

Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village!

It's Hawaiian week, and that means great

savings on new and used cars and trucks.

So don't get left out in the dust!

Come on down and check out our

big deal for big horsepower!

whoo!

That's right. It is Hawaiian week-

why is wayne Hoobler smilin'?

wayne Hoobler gettin' out today?

That there is Dwayne

Hoover on televisin.

My name and his sound so much alike.

- You can trust Dwayne-

- And I trust him.

Can't trust nobody,

wayne Hoobler, just me.

Oh, no, I trust Dwayne Hoover,

and I'm gonna work for him at Exit

I'm gonna live happily

ever after in fairy-

Gonna say fairyland, wayne Hoobler?

Hell, no. No, honest. Swear.

Gallop on down to Dwayne

Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village!

- All you know is from watchin' TV.

- we got you covered.

You can't even count money.

Let me tell you something.

The creator of the universe

is watchin' over me,

and I'm gonna work for Dwayne

Hoover 'cause it's my callin'.

warden's ready for you, Hoobler.

It's your lucky day. Not yours, Eli.

where in hell do they get

these crazy picture ideas?

There's absolutely nothing about a

college professor or sorority giris...

in the body of this novel.

E:

- Excuse me.

No women, for cryin' out loud.

That's why I didn't get paid for it.

All I got was

doodley-squat. Doodley-squat.

watch it, perverted bastard.

My God! "The Dancing Fool. "

I never realized this

had been published.

This must be more than 30 years old.

It's for an arts festival.

"what is the purpose of life?"

To be the eyes and ears and conscience

of the creator of the universe.

Ya fool!

Let's go over their descriptions

again by age, color of skin, etcetera.

For all I know they may

not have been earthlings.

For all I know they may have been

an intelligent gas from Pluto.

You have some blood on your nose.

A small leak can sink a

great ship. Benjamin Franklin.

That gas moved fast like a

fart on linoleum. Kilgore Trout.

Hey! Don't be a caveman!

Escape to the future, and come on down

to Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village!

I'll make ya a mammoth deal!

That's right, folks. It's Hawaiian

week, and you can trust your old pal-

That's me, Dwayne Hoover-

to make you a great deal on a

luxury sedan just like this one.

- Your stop, Hoobler.

- Come on down to Exit 11 Motor Village.

I'm gonna slash some

prices just for you!

During Hawaiian Week we're

gonna offer you a whole new deal,

and that's no monkey business.

That means great savings on

new and used cars and trucks!

I'm talkin' luxury with attitude, folks.

Yes, sirree, Bob.

Luxury with style. Luxury

with bird sh*t on the hood!

- Pan to Le Sabre.

- There's bird sh*t on the hood!

Harry,you're on!

Oh, hi.

I'm Harry Le Sabre, sales

manager for Exit 11 Motor Village.

As Dwayne Hoover just told you folks,

it's Hawaiian week here.

Tell them about the bird sh*t

on the hood, why don't ya?

we're loaded with new cars and trucks!

Hawaiian week celebrates

our inventory reduction sale.

So come on down and drive

out with a new automobile,

plus a cash rebate of dollar1,149...

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