Breakfast Of Champions Page #3

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and become eligible for

a free trip to Hawaii.

- Dwayne.

- So, remember,

it's not too late to enter!

It's

- Remember,

let us prove to you that

what's good for Dwayne Hoover...

is good for you...

too!

I'd like to see you in my

office right away, Harry.

Cut, cut. Harry, what the

hell were you thinking?

- Do you think we got anything?

- Not much.

Harry, you spoiled the whole thing.

- Mr. Hoover!

- Hey.

Mr. Hoover, I'm sorry about

yesterday morning in the restaurant.

My wife, you know, she's - She sees

things that aren't really there.

- I understand.

- Maybe I'm goin' crazy. I don't know.

- I'll go home for hours and talk

with my gosh-darn dog. - I understand.

- Mr. Hoover! How ya doin' there, sir?

- Good morning.

It's a pleasure to finally meet ya.

I've been watching you half of my life.

- Good morning.

- Remember this?

It's from yourJuly 4 Firecracker Sale.

Had it in my wallet since I was nine.

The good Lord meant for us to work so

close because our names are so close, see?

- Mine is wayne Hoobler.

- Hoobler.

Isn't that beautiful? I'm gonna have my

own car dealership one day just like you.

Never told anyone that though.

Saved it just for you, sir.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, sir.

It's a great morning,

sir. Beautiful day, sir!

Stop shaking my hand now, young man.

You know, you look great. Hop on in.

- That's the- -

Young man! Young man!

- That's what I told Eli. -

Young man! Stop shaking my-

My God.

Fairyland!

No.

Harry! Harry!

Come over here. I need to

speak to you right this second.

I didn't really say that.

Dwayne, what can I say?

I always knew you'd find out someday.

But we've been friends far too long

for such a thing to ever interfere...

- Harry! Harry, Harry.

- with our relationship.

- Do you see this young man

over here? Please. - Yeah?

Take good care of him.

Give him whatever he wants.

Dwayne, I don't know what made

me think I could hide it from you.

- Grace said it's

just a- - Harry. Harry!

- we'll discuss it in my office, okay?

- All right.

The inquisition.

- Harry, put 'er there.

- Hello.

- wayne Hoobler.

- Hoobler.

- Hoobler, yes. It's a pleasure.

- Pleasure.

- That your office back there?

- Yes.

Let's go take a look.

For some reason, this looks like it's turning

out to be another one of those tough days,

so let's keep everything nice and-

Excuse me, Mr. Hoover.

Ever since breakfast yesterday I've

been thinking very hard on the subject,

and I've decided I feel I should quit.

I think it'll be easier on both of us.

You don't have to be crazy to

work here, but it sure helps.

That's just to keep people from being

serious all the time, Mr. Sourpuss.

I'm sorry, Dwayne.

I know you're just tense.

You're under a lot of pressure.

You remember how you were last year during

the George washington Day Giveaway Sale?

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

I swear, some people will

swallow almost anything.

Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't referring

to your wife when I said that.

Dwayne, I have a little

something for you.

Just a gift to take with you.

And, um,

I forgive you for yesterday,

snooks.

I've been watching Dwayne Hoover

ever since I was nine years old.

Nine years old.

Did he ever say anything

about me, about my habits?

- He said you'd give me what I need.

- Give you what you need.

well, I wonder what the

hell he meant by that, huh?

No, please. Put that down.

That's much, much better.

It's a little medicine.

Now, why don't you fill

out this entry form here,

and, uh, let's see

what we can do for you.

what would you like?

- Haaaa... way- - A sports

sedan. For color, uh?

Yeah, metallic gray purple. That

should make your mouth water.

That should make life in the passing

lane a little more comfortable.

Hawaii.

Hawaii. It's Hawaiian week.

You're eligible for

a free trip to Hawaii.

- I don't want to go there.

- Just come and sit down.

I want to stay here!

That's all right. You don't

have to go. That's all right.

Now, uh, do you have a trade-in?

- A trade?

- Yes.

Yes, sir, I'm a homemaker. Honest.

Oh. A homemaker, huh?

Oh, uh, well, maybe a sports

sedan isn't quite right for you.

How about a Crown Victoria?

One owner, low miles.

Little old lady only drove

it to a retirement home.

- You have that for me?

- Yes! You just sign right here.

- I'll get you the keys.

- Fairyland.

- what?

- what?

- what'd you say?

- Nothin'.

- I didn't say nothin'. Must

have been someb- - Yes,you did.

Goddamn it. I distinctly

heard you say f-f-

why'd you say that? Please, help

me. I need to know why you said that.

Is that the image? Is that

the image? Does it show?

For God's sake, man!

Tell me! Does it show?

Please don't tell Dwayne Hoover.

Look, I'm not lost, I swear! I

promise. It's just all the colors.

Colors? what colors?

For Christ sake, you have

colors on. This is a black suit.

This is a conservative black suit!

Oh. Oh.

Much, much better.

- Now, sit down, Mr. Hoover.

- " Bler. "

- " Bler"?

- Hoobler.

- Oh. - You see, the good Lord

gave us names so close,

so that both of us would

know exactly what to do.

Hoobler. Mr. Hoobler.

Now, listen to me.

Now, there are ways to hide

these papers permanently.

But you

- you must never, ever...

tell anyone about our little talk today.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh.

- And thank you, sir.

- Oh, thank you.

- Can you do me

a favor? - Mm-hmm.

Tell Dwayne Hoover I'll be here

bright and early in the morning.

No, no, no. No. wait.

You can't come back!

Bright and early! It's my calling!

You can't come back!

One, two, three, four. Hmm. Ah. Ah.

Ah!

Ah.

Hello?

Dwayne knows. Everybody knows.

He wants to see me in his office.

what do I do? I'm a nervous wreck.

- Just take a relax.

- I've already taken four time capsules!

- Maui beckons.

- No, no, no. Please, Grace, please.

This is very, very

important. Listen to me.

Harry, what is important is what is, and you

are the result of two million biological years.

Don't blow it. I love you.

Ah! Don't blow it, yeah.

Dear Mr. Hoover,

Sugar Creek Estates, of which you are the

primary stockholder and chief developer,

will be the subject of a public forum

to discuss the toxic soil findings...

beneath the development site.

Midland City, come on.

Oh, how can you stand

that smell out there?

Oh, shut the door!

Oof! Oof.

Oh, it's all poisoned now.

Think of the sh*t most

of these factories make.

Raspberry air freshener,

gourmet cat food,

plastic doughnuts.

I used to be a conservationist.

Used to weep and wail when I heard

about people shooting bald eagles...

from helicopters and all

that, but I gave it up.

I laugh about it now. I say, "

Up your ass! Man needs its gas!"

You gotta be kiddin' me.

You ever read a story

called "Gilgongo"?

About a planet that becomes too unpleasant

because there was too much creation going on?

- Gil what?

- Gilgongo.

- Extinct.

- I gotta take a leak.

I understand that to mean

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