Breakfast Of Champions Page #4

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you're gonna steal a mirror.

- Steal a mirror?

- Leaks.

The holes between two universes.

Don't get too near to that leak. You don't

want to wind up in the other universe, do you?

- Maybe you should take some more

time to relax, Gramps. - Time is a joker.

The only solution to any problem

is time. How lucky can you get?

All right, that's 23.50 for the diesel.

Don't forget to clean

the side leak there.

- The what?

- The leak.

- The mirror! - Oh, the

mir- Oh, well, that's funny.

what are you lookin' at?

Ah!

Just a-

Just a gosh-darn minute!

Okay!

Dwayne! Uh-

Hey, how's my old army buddy?

As well as can be expected, Harry.

How about you? You

having any... problems?

No. No, I, uh-

I don't know how to say it, but-

I guess it started with the

Tugboat Annie movie. Yeah?

I don't know. Maybe it was

panties on a clothesline...

or Mother's bra in the laundry...

or sister's slip, this silk-

Vernon Garr's wife, Rosemary, thinks Vern

is trying to turn her brain into plutonium.

- what do you think

of that? - Uh, well-

God!

That's just-

we play around.

Horsey. Dressy. Grace and I.

It's fun, but it's-

It's a private thing.

It's in our own house.

we don't-

Uh, i-it-

Not-

You know-

what's wrong-

It's, uh-

we don't have any children, so, you

know, why contribute to overpopulation?

Harry, sit down, please.

Sit down!

Okay. Damn it. Oh, geez-

Sit down!

That's good.

You did sit down.

why did you sit down, Harry?

Because you asked me to, Dwayne.

Right. Good.

I asked you to sit down, and you

did. You do that, don't you, Harry?

People ask you to do things, and

you do that. why is that, Harry?

Uh, what are you saying, Dwayne?

what are you saying, Harry?

well, what I'm saying is that I-

I guess that...

I don't really understand

my own statement, you know?

Is that why you're telling

people that I've changed, Harry?

Oh, no, no, no. I just said you're

behaving a little differently.

It's

- I meant it as a compliment.

- You meant it as a compliment.

- Yes.

So you weren't happy

with the way I was before.

Are you sure this doesn't have

anything to do with the fact...

that only you know that

I was adopted, Harry?

I want the truth!

Good God, Dwayne, no! Come

on. we're army buddies. Army!

You weren't in the

army, Harry, remember?

You stayed home.

I was in the Signal Corps.

You were not in the army.

Harry.

I have never let the fact that you have

the name of a Buick come between us.

- Have I, Harry?

- No.

- Because you can't help that.

- No.

- It's not your fault.

- Right.

- You can't change that,

can you, Harry? - Mm-mm.

But this is Hawaiian week.

Yeah.

I suggest you go get with Vernon Garr.

Have him get you some cotton waste.

Soak it in blue Sunoco.

And I want you to burn

your entire wardrobe.

- Do you understand what I'm saying?

- Yeah.

Now, look, in the old days,

when we first started selling new

cars, we sold them to older people.

Under those circumstances, it was perfectly

all right to dress the way you dress.

Hey, you could dress like a mortician.

You could dress like my

Aunt Clarice for that matter.

But doggone it, Harry!

You seem to be forgetting something!

we are selling the most aggressively

designed automobile on the road today...

for people that are looking for

unsurpassed driving excitement.

But look at you. You're

dressed like an undertaker.

Now, Harry, I have some good news.

Modern science has given us a whole

new wonderful array of colors...

with exciting names like red,

blue, orange, yellow, pink.

- Ah.

- Am I making myself clear?

why don't you come right

out and say it, Dwayne?

Say what, Harry?

That I like to wear women's clothes.

- Is that what you like, Harry?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

No. No.

No, no, no, no. well-

Not exactly.

Then why do you want me to say you

like to wear women's clothes, Harry?

I don't, Dwayne. I don't.

I swear to God I don't.

Then what are you saying?

I'll change. I'll change.

- You'll change?

- Yes.

- I have your word on that?

- Absolutely.

It's Hawaiian week. I've got

to be able to count on you.

Yes, you can.

- So you

change. - Mm-hmm.

- And don't you worry about me changing.

- No, no, no, no.

- That's fair, isn't it?

- Oh, absolutely. That's more than fair.

- That's not too much to ask.

- No, no, no.

Good God, no.

And I wanna be friends like before.

- Friends?

- Yeah.

- Buddies?

- Buddies.

- Buddies.

- Buddies.

- You can go, Harry.

- All right.

- Right now.

- Oh. Yes.

Yes, yes, Dwayne.

Buddies.

Francine.

He said I dress like an undertaker.

Oh, I thought he was gonna bring up-

Just remember, Harry. Dwayne

Hoover is the best employer in town.

Ah!

From the most beautiful

place in the worid...

comes the most exotic

tanning product in the worid.

Hawaiian Tropic.

Natural oils, tropical fruits,

flora, nuts and protective sun screens.

Created by one man for one reason.

White is for laundry.

"Thank you for calling Dwayne

Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village,

the number-one dealership

in the Four Corners area,

where we are celebrating Hawaiian week

with free prizes and big discounts. "

This is Francine Pefko.

How may I help you?

Francine.

Dwayne?

I want you to walk out of here

with me this very moment...

and go to the Best western

Apollo Inn in Shepherdstown.

Mr. Hoover!

You ought to have some crazy teenager who

can run off with you whenever you want her to.

I don't want a crazy

teenager, Francine. I want you!

- who's this knucklehead, Harry?

- It's wayne Hoobler.

He's a friend of Dwayne's.

- Take good care of him, will ya?

- He looks like a good guy.

How ya doin', buddy?

wanna take her for a spin?

- Four-door, 429-

- Hey, Mr. Hoover!

what say?

This key entry thing-

It's a four digit-

Oh! Be right back, fellas.

we're just going to the... bank.

Maybe stop for a... snack.

I'll be here when you get back,

Mr. Hoover. You can count on it.

You could fry an egg on

this engine if you wanted to.

Extinct. Gilgongo.

The bull elephant makes

his way inexorably...

for what he knows to be

his own certain death.

Slouching, as it were,

to what's his own personal Bethlehem.

Gilgongo!

Oh, I love the smell of

raspberry air freshener.

Hmm. TV helps me relax.

we sure do want you relaxed, Francine.

- Hmm!

- That's for sure.

Now why would a thin

good-looking man like that...

love a woman so heavy?

- Come up here. - Now, welcome

to The Monty Rapid Show...

with Mr. Monty Rapid.

Thank you, my old friend Virgil, and

welcome, everyone, to The Monty Rapid Show.

Today it is my great privilege to

have here in the studio as my guest...

- Mr. Fred T. Barry, one of Midland City's great leaders,

- Look! It's Fred T. Barry.

also one of its wealthiest.

- Mr. Barry has joined

us- - I love you, Dwayne.

No, Francine, don't. Don't.

I know I promised never to say it,

but it's a promise I can't

help breaking all the time.

Francine, please!

I know the subject is painful for you,

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