Breakfast Of Champions Page #5

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ever since your wife

started acting... crazy.

- That's enough!

- Oh!

Can you tell the listening audience what they

should expect from your -our art festival?

Art, Monty. They can expect art.

when I go to heaven-

on Judgment Day and they ask me

what bad things I did down here,

I'm gonna have to tell them, well-

A little art, Monty, can go a long way.

It was a promise I

made to a man I loved...

and I kept breaking it all the time.

Francine, let's just

drop the whole subject.

I promised never to say-

- Francine, please, just

don't say those- - I love you!

- "The greatest living writer in the English language. "

- Love, love, love, love.

- Hmm.

- Twist me a bit.

Kilgore Trout.

- Mr. Kilgore Trout.

- You work so hard.

- Kilgore Trout.

- was a man, I'd be tense all the time too.

Kilgore Trout.

People, stick around.

We'll be right back in a rapid moment

right after this important message.

Dwayne?

Remember when we

bundled up baby George...

and took him for his first

ride in the station wagon?

- He was so happy.

- You work so hard, honey.

Maybe that's why God created women:

to help men relax from time to time.

You feel better now, dear?

Good.

Oh, darn. Oh, I promised

Gloria I'd be back in one hour.

The perfect blast, six

feet of choice meats,

real dairy cheese.

You know, this would be

the perfect location...

for a fried chicken franchise

right here next to the prison.

Dwayne,you're makin'a

face like a rattlesnake.

Ah!

Today we're turning out the

deals that beat the band-

- Aha what?

- Francine!

Next time you want to ask me

for a gift, do me a favor...

and don't hint around until

after we are done making love.

I like to keep my lovemaking

and my gift giving separate!

Dwayne, I don't even know

what it is you think I want.

I don't even know what it

is you think I want, Dwayne!

- why are you doing this to me?

- God bless America!

Every woman has her price, Francine.

Yours just happens to be

dollar200,000 with parking and lights!

It's not for me. It's for you.

Everything I want is for you!

It's not for me. It's for you!

Everything I want is for you, Dwayne!

Harry Le Sabre was right!

He said you'd changed,

and, my God, you've changed.

Dwayne Hoover, you have changed!

I'm sorry I was so

cross with you, Francine.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

You're the most loyal and unselfish

person I've ever known in my whole life.

I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.

- I'm so confused.

- Oh, we all are.

I'm just looking for somebody to

steer me in the right direction,

just a sign.

I just need somebody

to talk to. That's all.

well, here, baby.

Sit here and tell Mommy everything.

Okay.

- Then, tell me, please.

- Tell you what, my sweetheart?

what life is about.

Oh, only God knows

that, Dwayne, only God.

God, God, God, God.

- Francine?

- Hmm?

Did I ever tell you about my

trip to headquarters in Michigan?

- when you won the Golden Sales Award?

- Yes.

Mm-mm.

I was given a tour of

the research facility.

- Do you know what impressed me the most?

- what?

The place where they do everything to cars

that you're not supposed to do to cars.

I remember seeing a sign on

the door of the building...

where they did all this torture.

It said, " Destructive Testing. "

I remember looking at that sign and

thinking, is this what I'm here for,

to see just how much a man

can take without breaking?

I've lost my way, Francine.

Oh.

Take my hand and lead

me out of the woods.

- You're just tired, honey.

- I'm way beyond tired.

we're here visiting with Fred T. Barry-

Maybe we should take

you to see a doctor?

I don't need to hear what a

doctor has to say, Francine.

I've heard what every person in

Midland City's had to say twice.

which one of us would you like, Dwayne?

Which one of us would you like, Dwayne?

- Would you like, Dwayne?

- Dwayne?

Dwayne! what is it? Dwayne!

I need to hear truths

I haven't heard before.

I may need to speak to

someone from another planet.

- The function of the artist is to triumph over life.

- Snuggies!

It certainly is.

what about the writers and

artists coming to Midland City?

- what?

- Maybe you should talk to one of them.

- Mr. Kilgore Trout.

- Kilgore Trout. wow.

Kilgore Trout.

Bunny, Bunny Hoover

Bunny, the crooner, Hoover

Mr. Rhythm Mover

Let me have a vodka cranberry, will ya?

- Got a bladder infection.

- Right.

Weekdays to please at Best

Western Apollo Inn and Lounge

And sometimes

So I don't have to scrounge

At the competition

Yeah

- I'm sure that's enough hair

spray, Francine. - Dwayne,just-

Fine. Looks fine.

- Hi.

- Checking out so soon?

You just got here.

Hey, everybody, now here's a must.

- In the lobby it's Dwayne Hoover, the man you can trust.

- Dwayne?

And there's the lovely Francine Pefko,

Daddy's secretary from the get-go.

- Dwayne, isn't that your son George?

- Yes, that's George.

Can do Francine, I can do

Can do a little treasure

- Come on. Let's go.

- Hi, George.

- we're leaving.

- For your and Daddy's pleasure

I didn't know he was in show business or

that he had a show business name like Bunny.

Bunny Hoover can do

Yeah

You're loaded with

talent, kid. You know that.

- Yeah?

- Absolutely.

It's just a big elephant!

Sir? Officer?

Did you ever wonder how they get

each one to taste exactly the same?

Of course, you don't. You've got too many

other things on your mind, bigger things.

I just pray each Sunday that I'll be

taken care of, but you ask questions.

what is going on here?

Everything all right, Mother?

Mom? Mom!

Mother!

That's Dwayne Hoover.

- Hmm! Look, it's Fred T. Barry.

- Hello, Dwayne!

And we just saw him on televisin.

we've located worid Classics Library.

what is worid Classics Library?

Kilgore Trout's publisher.

- Mmm! Listen.

- This is Fred T. Barry.

It's Fred T. Barry on the

radio, and he's right next to us.

Do you suppose that

means something, Dwayne?

Mother, who is 94 this week.

The keynote speaker will be none other

than the noted novelist Mr. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout!

You're going to get us killed!

- Francine! Take a memo!

- Mr. Hoover!

- Turn around,jackass!

- what are you, nuts?

I want to meet with Kilgore Trout this

weekend when he comes to Midland City.

You better start driving sensibly,

A.S.A.P., and I am not kidding!

Just take the gosh-darn memo!

Oh! what kind of name is Kilgore Trout?

On the planet, everything

is reversed. It's chaos.

And the inhabitants live

under the snow to keep warm.

They've evolved nail-

They've evolved nails under

what we would call their feet.

They're quadrupods, and they got

eight nails so they don't slip.

And the sun

- They don't go in the sun, because the sun's reversed.

It's cold. It's a cold sun. Cold sun.

Chaos. It's chaos.

Everything's kind of

backwards. "Soahc. Soahc. "

Eliot, I have come to

discuss the arts festival...

and the arrangements for the El Greco.

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