Breakfast Of Champions Page #6

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- Did you find the writer? Kilgore Trout?

- Yes, we did.

wonderful. I-Is he coming

here to Midland City?

- Yes, Eliot, he is.

- wonderful.

Eliot, do you know where

Kilgore Trout stories appear?

They appear in porno smut magazines.

Tell him, Howell.

Yes, sir. Whips and Other Trips,

Hard Thing and Black Garter Belt.

You mean, uh, like this?

What I know is that Kilgore Trout...

should win the Nobel

prize for literature.

Kilgore Trout,

Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout,

Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout, Kilgore-

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- This guy looks forward

to only one thing.

Twelve people were overcome

by toxic fumes this morning...

and were evacuated from their

homes at Sugar Creek Estates.

Celia?

- Sure, we're having good times, but what if?

- Are you really there?

- They're not happy.

- Bills were adding up and then there's Scott's new school,

but we thought, hey, we can handle this.

Then John's company downsized,

soJohn's trying to find a new job.

That's right. Nobody's happy.

They're just trying

to sell you something.

But they're together, a real family.

we're gonna be okay.

They're not a real family. They're

not real. They're not real people.

Real people worry about

being surprised, Celia.

They worry about people jumping out at them,

shouting their name at inappropriate times.

They worry about being

carted off to the bughouse.

we've been taking care of

people for more than 35 years.

- Now they're happy.

- Celia, snap out of it!

They're not real, okay? Real people

don't stand around in the grass like that.

They're not real.

They're just lying to you.

They're hired to lie to you. That's their

job on TV! You can't trust these people.

Dwayne Hoover slashing prices. We're

going bananas down here for Hawaiian Week.

Hey, ask anybody. You

can trust Dwayne Hoover.

I'd trust you, Dwayne.

- If only you'd tell me

which... Dwayne to trust.

what is that supposed

to mean, hmm? Hmm, Celia?

Is that another one of

your little secret messages?

Are you telling me that you're

leaving me, Celia? Is that it?

'Cause if you're telling me that just go

ahead and tell me, because I can take it.

I can take almost anything these days.

I feel pretty much alone most of the

time anyway, to tell you the truth.

what I'm trying to say is,

whether we're together... or apart...

the moments between us...

have always existed...

and will always...

Famalton,

- the easy formula for stress relief.

- exist.

Make each day as good as the best day.

Mmm!

So you see what I'm saying

about management, kid.

You just need a little guidance-

Jesus. That sounded like a gunshot.

- Mommy!

- wait a minute, kid. I'll come with ya.

- Pops, don't shoot. It's me.

- Don't shoot me either.

I'm interested in handling his act. This

isn't the first time I've had a gun pointed-

Don't light that in here.

This is a nonsmoking household.

Fair enough. I'll be outside

when you're ready, Bunny.

- His name's George!

- George.

Did you shoot Mommy?

You were elected cadet colonel

at the Prairie Military Academy.

It was the highest rank you

could achieve in your senior year.

It was supposed to

make a man out of you.

why would I want that?

what men do is so often cruel and ugly.

You looked like your mother just then.

Oh, baby.

Go to your room.

Yes, sir.

The a**hole of the universe ain't

Midland City. It's Libertyville, Georgia.

- You ever seen Libertyville?

- No, haven't had the pleasure.

Yeah, about ten years ago I got

caught in a speed trap down there.

Got a little mad and took a swing

at the cop. They put me in jail.

Hmm.

Main industry down there is pulping.

Got trucks bringing in hundreds of

tons of unwanted printed material...

to Libertyville every day.

- Paper pulping.

- Yeah, paper pulping.

They got so many books down there,

they use it for toilet paper.

I sat in jail for two days with

nothing to do but read my toilet paper.

I still remember one of

the stories that I read.

This story was about as crazy

as anything you ever come across.

It was the last story I ever

read, as a matter of fact.

It was about another planet

where some government guy...

used a roulette wheel to decide which artwork

to put in the museums and which to keep out.

The roulette wheel is

rigged, and then the guy-

- This whatever you call,

uh, uh- - The Barring-gaffner.

Yeah, the Barring

- Yeah. Yeah!

Hey! That's right.

The toilet paper you read in

the Libertyville jail was...

The Barring-gaffner of Bagnialto...

or This Year's Masterpiece

By Kilgore Trout.

- You actually read that thing?

- Yeah, of course I read it.

Boy, what is his name? Trout?

He must be half

cracked, don't you think?

well, he, uh, was self-educated,

if that's what you mean.

He didn't finish high school,

but he could quote Shakespeare.

"All the worid's a stage. All the

men and women are merely players. "

Yeah. Didn't make any sense.

It was chaos.

You got that right.

why would you ever read that

nutty story if you didn't have to?

why?

It takes all kinds of

people to make up a worid.

Dwayne Hoover! Dwayne Hoover!

Hey, folks, it's me. Dwayne

Hoover! Dwayne Hoover!

Ooh!

Good morning, Mr. Hoover!

Good morning, Mr. Hoover.

- Dwayne Hoover!

- Dwayne Hoover!

Mr. Hoover, we are interested in

something that hauls like a truck,

but drives like a luxury sedan.

Yeah, yeah, and with

convenience at our fingertips.

Gonna get a TV set today. I swear,

maybe you might come over for dinner.

Dinner, dinner, dinner.

- Tell me something.

- Yeah?

Take a look over

- over there.

- You see the young man...

- Yeah.

wearing a suit, five, ten and a half?

- Yeah. -

Yes. - Good.

Go talk to him. He'll

take good care of ya.

But, Mr. Hoover, we want

to buy a car from you!

You! You! You!

Oh.

Oh. Ah.

Oh!

Okay!

Oh.

Oh, God.

Dwayne! Buddies.

Princes, pa-poo-la

Have plenty papaya

Oh, me, oh, my-a

You ought to really try a

piece of Pa-Poo-La's papaya

Hawaii! Aloha!

Oh, buddies?

Oh, Dwayne. Look. You

know, I got colors.

I got pink, and the leotards are green.

You said to-

Oh. Ah. Um-

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Ow!

Oh, God. Oh.

Ooh.

Francine.

I may ask you to slip

away with me again today.

Oh, you may ask. You may ask,

but I wouldn't go in a million years.

Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor

Village. May I help you, please?

Just one moment, please.

It's for you, Mr. Hoover. Oh, I guess

you're not accepting calls today.

Unless I take a g. d. memo,

I forget every little thing-

what are you doing?

Hello?

My name is Horace Durenwurst.

I am with the E.P.A.

I'd like to ask you some questions regarding

the soil toxicity at Sugar Creek Estates.

If that man calls back, you

tell him I've moved away.

Tell him I've moved to

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