Breakfast Of Champions Page #7

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Manitoba. It's in Canada.

Oh. Oh.

- Hello?

- Grace, he didn't say anything. He didn't do anything.

- He just stood there.

- F*** him, Harry.

The grass skirt fell off and, uh-

To him obviously I'm revolting.

Harry, how many times do I have to tell

you not to be ashamed of what's underneath?

Oh, God, let's just get to

Hawaii as soon as we can.

- Yes. Yes, you know,

Grace, I think you're right.

- I know I'm right.

- You're so wise, Grace.

You know, I'll get us

two tickets to Hawaii.

I'll fix the drawing. I'll

get us two tickets to Hawaii.

Oh, that's the best idea you've

had since you quit therapy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy! Look at that!

What's that all about, those co-ed

sex orgies they have in college?

It's a science fiction novel

written several years ago.

The premise is that life's an experiment

by the creator of the universe.

He wants to test a new creature he's thinking

of introducing into the scheme of things.

The creature has the ability

to make up his own mind.

All the other creatures

are fully automated robots.

Robots! That does not describe

me, Andy wojeckowzski, no, sir!

I'm my own boss! Right down

the highway, baby! Come on.

The book takes the

form of a long letter...

from the creator of the universe

to the experimental creature.

That sounds nice. So where do

the naked sorority giris come in?

- They don't.

- They don't?

That's just... stupid.

I mean, that's dumb.

I mean, who'd want to

publish something like that?

Who'd want to write something

like that? That's just my opinion.

You know what I'm saying? Man!

Stupid.

You know those glasses

that Dwayne wears?

He doesn't need 'em. He just wears 'em

because he thinks it makes him look smart.

He's bald too.

That's why he combs his hair over to the

side like that to cover up the bald spot.

When the wind blows,

it stands straight up.

He looks like Baby Huey.

He's got a small penis too.

I suppose we all want to have

large penises though, don't we?

Anyway, here, fill out this entry form,

and I'll take care of everything else.

I'm not goin' anywhere, man!

well, that's the point. You don't

have to. Just fill this out for me.

I'll take care of the rest.

Drawing's this afternoon.

- Hey, Mr. Hoover!

- Oh,Jesus Christ!

Tell him you saw me.

I changed my clothes.

Forget it! You haven't seen me!

Ohh. And the winner is...

wayne Hoobler of Midland City.

well, Mr. Hoobler, if you're watching,

you have just won first prize...

which is a round-trip ticket

for two to beautiful Hawaii!

And I am sure

- I am sure that Dwayne Hoover,

- the generous and benevolent

owner- - Benevolent?

Christ, Harry, haven't

I taught you anything?

...will give you a choice of islands,

including Maui!

- How about that wayne

Hoobler, Midland City!

Yes!

And now, this, this voyage-

this, this wonderful voyage-

this, this exploration into-

into, uh-

into what-

into the secret hiding places...

where what is the, uh-

Oh, my God, Harry. Shut your mouth.

wonderful, beautiful

sanctuaries of peace.

The peace of it all and...

the terrible, horrible,

horrible war years where-

- where all the private clubs...

- He was never in the army.

- and down and down into the sordid underbelly!

- what's gotten into Harry?

Down into the bottom

where it's members only!

- Geez, this is live. -

And the cruel name-calling.

The naming, naming! The terrible hurt!

But the hunger, the wonderful hunger...

for some sort of full play,

full swing, plenty of

rope, a little elbow room.

No more mountains! No more mountains!

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

I've got the tickets right

here. No, the tickets are-

well, I had the tickets. I have

tickets. They're right here.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, my! Oh, my goodness.

- Huh?

- Oh, my.

- Oh, my.

- Go for it, big boy.

Just go for it!

Um-

Pan to Mr. Hoover. Mr.

Hoover, you're on. You're live.

I love you like a brother,

Dwayne Hoover. Like a brother.

We better get an ambulance.

Having a good day, old man?

I already know I look ridiculous!

I've made this long pilgrimage

for an orgy of masochism.

Midland City, I have arrived.

- Yoo-hoo,

mister. - Huh?

Are you going in there?

why, it's the only way to Midland City.

well, then, these will help.

I don't, don't need 'em.

Oh.

The arts festival awaits me.

Treat me like a cockroach, Midland City.

Feast your eyes...

on your miserable creator.

You've given me a life not worth living,

but an iron will to live!

Maui! Maui!

Maui!

Maui!

She's goin'.

I just have too many cars. That's all!

- Just forget it, sir.

I can't forget it because I should

know my driver's license number.

Maria, she said if she was gonna

- She came that way...

and then she said she

would come this way-

who am I?

Mr. Hoover, sir.

How are you this

evening? what a pleasure.

Is there anything-

who am I?

Please, someone just tell me who I am.

Sorry, Mr. Hoover. I did not

realize that you were the owner.

I knew that you were the owner, but I didn't

realize you were the owner of this AmeriTel Inn.

I should have recognized.

- Well, enjoy your stay

at the AmeriTel Inn.

Mr. Trout.

Welcome to Midland City Arts Festival.

The AmeriTel Inn invites you to join us

tonight in our cocktail lounge at 6.00 p. m...

to celebrate the first annual

Midland City Arts Festival.

I look perfect for my missin.

Not now. Not now.

The Abominable Snowman has arrived.

Kidnapped from the

slopes of Mount Everest.

Taken as slave to a

bordello in Rio deJaneiro.

I've come to the arts

festival in Midland City...

to have myself

acknowledged before I die...

as a great artist I

believe myself to be.

Mr. Trout, I would know you anywhere.

Marlo, his bags, please.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Take these to his suite.

- Can I take your hat?

- How do you know who I am?

- It had to be you.

- Nobody's ever known who I was before.

Kilgore Trout!

I am Eliot Rosewater,

your greatest admirer.

You're Rosewater?

You don't look like a person

who reads those magazines.

I have gathered to this date

only 41 of your novels...

and 63 of your short stories.

And, of course, I've read them all.

- You've read that much of my stuff?

- Of course.

Please, have a seat.

we are proud...

to be the first community

to acknowledge...

the greatness of Kilgore Trout.

Midland City is ready for a renaissance.

And you, sir, shall be our Leonardo.

I regret that I must leave immediately

on Rosewater Foundation business.

But the honor, sir,

has been entirely mine.

Let's go. I need my shot.

That kid has books of mine?

Yes, and he let me read them all.

I loved them.

More flowers than at

a gangster's funeral.

Midland City seems to be gettin'

behind the arts in a great big way.

well, like Mr. Rosewater said-

teach us to dance and sing...

and laugh and cry.

Do I look like a dancer or,

or a singer or a man of joy?

would a man nourished by beauty

look like this? Open your eyes.

My eyes are opened.

And I see someone who

has dared to walk...

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