Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason Page #5

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something you liked about me.

Come on, Jones, there must have been

something you liked about me.

Well... you have a nice car.

And quite nice manners.

Outside the bedroom.

But that's about it.

And by the way,

I know exactly where Germany is.

The question is do you know the location

of your arsehole?

As a matter of fact, I do know the

exact location of my arsehole. And hers.

Oh, come on, Jones,

it was just a silly joke.

Not a very funny one.

- Go on, then.

- What?

Where is it? Where is Germany?

- Next to France.

- And?

And also Belgium...

Poland. And it has a sea coast.

Which sea?

Oh, sod it. Now, look,

I think we should talk

about Finch's suggestion.

I am going to Thailand, Jones.

Wouldn't you like to be

my little Girl Guide?

Thailand?

- You'll shag before you leave Heathrow.

- I'll be perfectly fine.

I'm eschewing all men.

And cigarettes. And carbohydrates.

- We can't possibly let you go.

- On your own.

Oh, stop it, all of you.

I am a mature, sophisticated,

professional woman

and I'm going to Thailand

entirely on my own, thank you very much.

- F***!

- Sorry.

- Fuckity f***.

- Sorry.

And now our final passengers

havejoined us, we can get underway.

Someone's gotta be last.

Are we not sitting together?

Oh, f***.

I don't think we're really

in a position to, um...

...make a fuss.

Sorry. Hi.

Sorry.

What's our film?

What's your name? Mine's Clive.

Er, Bridget.

Good afternoon again,

ladies and gentlemen.

We're about to offer a wide range

of duty-free items.

Details can be found

in your in-flight magazine.

Wonderful people, the Thais.

Particularly the young ladies.

If you know what I mean, eh?

- Oh, for heaven's sake.

- Come with me.

Come with me now.

- Where are we going?

- Just through here.

Thank you. This is worse than school.

It really wasn't my fault.

It's a fizzy drink, you know, itjust...

Itjust sort of fizzied over.

Couldn't bear to think of you back there

in slum class, Jones.

Graham, thank you. You are the best

air steward I've ever come across.

And if I may say so, the smartest.

Thank you, sir.

I thought you were there already,

doing research.

F***, no. I make it up as I go along.

It's 13 hours for this trip.

I need some in-flight entertainment.

Why don't you tell me, in detail,

about your school netball tour,

particularly the unsavoury incident

in the communal showers.

I didn't play netball.

Or go to a girls' school.

- Or have showers.

- Now that's just not true, is it?

- Let me start you off.

- No.

If you're gonna be dull, I'm going

to plunge back into Mrs Dalloway,

and you know how she loves that.

Dirty, dirty b*tch.

Here's a new thing

That's gonna please ya

Just a little town down in Indonesia

Bangkok...

Arrived Bangkok. Very hot.

Relieved at last to throw myself

into serious journalistic work.

Thailand has long called travellers

from around the globe

to take spiritual succour

and karmic rest.

For centuries, Western visitors

have been inevitably drawn

to some of Bangkok's oldest sanctuaries.

So true, Bridget. Even I,

fight it as I may, am no exception.

The moment I arrive here,

I almost feel an irresistible pull...

...to this. The Temple of Tranquillity.

Indeed, nothing symbolises Thailand's

extraordinary fusion of East and West,

of tradition and innovation,

better than this.

Fully body-to-body massage.

- Sawatdee kha?

- Sawatdee khrab?

An incredible thing about Thailand

is the amazing traditional cuisine.

I'm going to taste kapaluk,

the ultimate delicacy.

Oh, f***! Oh, f***!

Oh, my God. My God.

Um... Er... Mmm.

How about a lovely locust?

I can't. No, no, I can't.

They're delicious.

Oh!

Now that is Ko Panyi, which is

the setting for a very famous Thai poem,

which I think you'd like very much,

Jones.

It's all about a badly-behaved prince

who finds true love with a beautiful,

and as it happens,

very slightly overweight princess.

- You're teasing me.

- I never tease about poetry.

"Oh, Suvarnamali

Why can you not see that I adore you?"

"Why do you avoid and scorn me?"

"If you cast me off and leave me

How should I live another day?"

And you thought all I knew of Thailand

was pussies and ping-pong balls.

- You wouldn't sleep with him?

- No, of course not.

Absolutely not.

But he is clever.

- Yes?

- And handsome.

He's also a dysfunctional,

f***ed-up, middle-aged, lost boy.

Well, no-one's perfect.

I didn't realise you were busy.

- He's young enough to be your grandson.

- I know. Isn't that great?

Come on, guys, I've got a very special

treat lined up for lunch.

I'm getting rather fond of Jed,

and I must say he has a genuine interest

in Thai cuisine.

I wouldn't have thought

omelette would be big in Thailand.

- Or mushrooms, for that matter.

- It's magic.

It is a magic mushroom omelette,

isn't it?

Well, that's awful.

There is nothing funny in this at all.

Although, thank God,

the mushrooms don't actually

seem to be working.

Just what is it

that you want to do?

Such lovely colours!

We wanna get loaded

And we wanna have a good time...

Beautiful Bridget! Beautiful Bridget!

Beautiful Bridget!

Bridget Jones!

Bridget Jones!

But, wait...

- Bridget Jones?

- What sound is that?

It is Daniel Cleaver.

How unutterably beautiful he is.

Jones, what the hell are you doing?

You are lovely colours.

- I don't wanna lose your love...

- Here.

Here I am.

I think you're completely off your face.

Hey.

Bloody hell.

Oh... Oh, I'm an angel.

Oh. How lovely.

Glorious sand.

Oh.

I want to be naked.

- Naked as a baby.

- Come on, then, angel. Up you get.

- All right?

- Mmm.

- How are you feeling?

- Completely embarrassed.

Don't be. You're charming on drugs.

In future, just say yes.

Do you know, I never really understood

why you wanted to go out with me.

- It seemed so unlikely.

- Come on. For God's sake.

You're sexy. You make me laugh.

At you, of course, not with you.

And you were...

...incidentally...

...the best shag...

...I ever had.

The best?

Aside from Simon Reade

in the fifth-form locker room, yeah.

Suppose I said you were pretty good too?

Pretty good?

Was I better than Mark Darcy?

By the way, is it true he always says

"I'm sorry, I think I'm going to come"?

- Who told you that?

- It's common knowledge, isn't it?

Come on, Jones. Who gave who the hoof?

And why?

Let's just say

that we suffered

from a fatal incompatibility.

I have missed you, Jones.

I don't suppose

there's any circumstances

in which you would ever consider

thinking about trusting me again?

Absolutely not.

Well, I suppose I'll be getting back

to my little hut now.

Thank you very much, Daniel.

I had a nice time.

Is that the Big Dipper

or the little one?

I can never tell them apart.

Definitely the big one.

You can't see the little one

this close to the equator.

Oh, please.

You don't know about astronomy.

I most certainly do.

I'm passionate about it.

You know, Jones, if stargazing

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