Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason Page #7

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the snake containing the drugs?

Yes, that's him, that's Jed.

But it was Shazzer's snake, not mine,

and as far as Daniel Cleaver goes...

Your sex life doesn't concern me at all.

Has there been any ill treatment here?

No, no. Well, I mean...

...the toilet facilities

are well below par, but...

Good, that makes things simpler.

Listen, they're prepared

to drop all charges against you

which is extremely lenient,

given the circumstances.

You're going to be out within a week.

And...

Goodbye.

Mark?

Thank you.

You're welcome. I'm just the messenger.

The order came from above.

Well, good luck.

Glad I could be of help.

So, Bijjit, what happen?

Well, um...

Bijjit! How this can happen?

This is terrible! You are innocent!

- They're always cheating us.

- No, no, no. That's all fine.

They've dropped the charges

and they're letting me go.

But that good news.

What is wrong?

Mark Darcy definitely...

...doesn't love me anymore.

Ohhh.

You see the trouble is

it was me who chucked him.

He treat you bad?

Yeah, actually, he did.

My boyfriend treat me bad too.

- Me too.

- Mine as well.

Me too.

Then you know all about it.

You think you've found the right man,

but then there's so much wrong with him

and he finds there's so much wrong

with you and it all just falls apart.

Don't tell me. My boyfriend,

he seem really nice.

Then he start to hit me.

Make me work on street.

My boyfriend, he say he love me.

But he do no work,

and make me work 24 hour a day.

Then he make me take heroin drug.

What about you, Bijjit?

What your bad boyfriend do?

Well, er...

...he really didn't stick up for me

at this lawyers' supper...

and, um, then he would fold his...

Oh, same sort of thing, really.

Hitting me and making me take drugs.

Stealing all my money and stuff.

Oh, God.

I've been the world's biggest fool.

Bijjit?

Just a few tiny leaving presents.

No luxuries.

Living in a material world

And I am a material girl

You know that we are living

in a material world

And I am a material girl

Living in a material world

And I am a material girl

If you want something smooth

on your wall,

you could do worse than John Currin.

He is about the only

contemporary painter who can paint.

There's usually something

interesting and allegorical,

plus of course,

there is a very high perv quotient.

- Did you see her?

- Out. Out it.

Sorry, everyone, sorry. It's my stalker.

F*** off, Darcy,

some people have jobs to do.

Did you see her surrounded by police,

dogs, handcuffs?

Come on, she's a big girl,

she can take care of herself.

I'm only going to ask you one more time.

Did you see her?

You're only gonna ask me one more time?

- You haven't got your wig on now, dear.

- I'll take that as a yes.

Yes, I did see her.

I thought she was smuggling seashells,

or mangoes.

Right.

Right, good.

Will you step outside, please?

Oh, no, it's not possible.

Darcy, do you have any idea

what century we actually live in?

Are you gonna step outside

or am I gonna have to drag you?

I think you're gonna have to drag me.

- You're insane!

- And you're a disgrace, Cleaver.

You're pulling my hair!

I'm not going in the sodding water.

Touching you

'Cause you're touching me

I believe in a thing called love

Just listen to the rhythm of my heart

There's a chance we can make it now

We'll be rockin'

till the sun goes down

I believe in a thing called love

Oooh-ooh ooh...

- F*** off!

- No, you're going in, Cleaver!

If I'm going in, you're coming with me.

You smug bastard.

- Oh, my God.

- Get up.

Well, what are you gonna do now?

Drown me in 16 inches of water?

Yes, good idea.

F***! Stop, stop.

Listen, listen, listen...

OK, I left her at the airport.

I shouldn't have done that.

But she bumped into Jed herself

and I didn't f***ing well seduce her,

all right?

- You didn't?

- There's something wrong with her.

She's gone all frigid.

I spent the night

with a gorgeous Thai girl.

Who in fact turned out to be

a gorgeous Thai boy.

Satisfied?

Yes.

Thank you.

You know what, mate?

If you're so obsessed with Bridget

Jones, why don't you just marry her?

'Cause then she'd definitely shag me.

I believe in a thing called love

Just listen to the rhythm of my heart

I believe in a thing called love

- Bridget!

- Bridget! Over here!

- What was it like?

- How did you survive?

Any girl who's been single in London

knows how to handle herself.

- Darling!

- Will you be going back?

Sorry I didn't write.

I've just been so busy.

Hello, darling. You look lovely.

- Skinny, but lovely.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, it's good to be home.

- Ciggy?

- No, no, thanks.

- I've given up again.

- Shame. I find them very useful.

I take great comfort in the fact they

might kill me before things get worse.

The Darcys rang to say how pleased

they were you were out.

I rather thought Mark might be here

to meet you.

Yes, but you must remember we split up.

So no hope there?

No hope there.

Believe me,

next time I will not f*** it up, Mum.

- Language, darling.

- Sorry.

Next time, I will not f*** it up...

...Mother.

Trying to be misunderstood

But it doesn't do me any good

Love the way they smiled at me

Hold that face for eternity

Now let them all fly off

When it comes down

It all comes down

And you will not be found

When it's over

It's all over

Even if I make a sound...

Surprise!

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Oh, darling.

- Hiya.

Bridget...

I'm so sorry.

It's all right.

Well, thank God for Mark Darcy.

I mean, he might be a boring arse,

but he performed a miracle.

That's a bit of an overstatement.

He actually seems

to be the villain of this piece.

He's a top human rights lawyer and he

left it to someone else to get me out.

He was just a messenger.

- Who told you that?

- He did.

Straight from the horse's mouth.

The horse wasn't quite

telling you the truth.

I called Mark

the minute I landed in London.

We went to his office

and within half an hour,

he'd woken two Cabinet ministers

and half of Ml5.

But none of them could locate Jed,

so Mark flew over to Interpol.

Which is in Lyon.

They located Jed in Dubai,

but they don't normally

extradite people,

so Mark rang the Home Secretary

who rang our ambassador...

In Riyadh. Then Mark flew to Dubai

where he identified Jed,

who was impounded and pushed out into...

Saudi Arabia, where Mark was waiting

with the police.

Jed was arrested and extradited back

to Britain. Then Mark flew to Bangkok,

to make damn sure they'd let you go.

Oh.

He was just angry about Daniel Cleaver.

- He must still love me.

- He f***ing must.

Taxi?

Yes, please.

Get in the cab!

Hurry!

Oh. I forgot about you.

Er, I, I, I just wanted to, um...

say something to Mark.

He's at the office.

Do you want to come in?

Oh, no. No, no, I don't think I will.

I really hope

that you'll be happy together.

- Sorry?

- You and Mark.

I really hope that you'll be

very happy together.

No, no, no, Bridget, listen...

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