Bringing Down the House

Are you there?

I'm here.

Help me.|My client is going to jail.

Oh, no, she's not.

I think I've got it.

Really?

Look up Hasson v. Conrad.

Similar circumstantial|evidence...

case was thrown out.

Legaleagle, thank you.

You are by far|the most brilliant mind

in this chat room.

Thank you, Lawyer-girl.

I realize we have|certain anonymity here,

but do you, by any chance,|have a name?

It's Charlene.

I missed you yesterday.

How was your day?

Uneventful.

I exercised for an hour|in the morning,

poked around in the yard|in the afternoon,

and visited with a girlfriend|down the block in the evening.

Sounds innocent enough.

Don't let my humdrum day|fool you, now.

I also have a very dark side.

Well, I'm 31

with long, flowing locks|and an athletic body.

Peter, what do you look like?

I'm... a little older...|6'2".

My hair is...|it's light.

Uh, it's boyishly light.

And good night to you,|Lawyer-girl.

Gendler.

- Good morning, Mr. Sanderson.|- Hi.

Morning, Peter.

How are you?

Gentlemen.

Oh, good. Peter's here.|We can begin.

Okay.|On to pressing business.

Word has come to us

that coffee heiress|Mrs. Virginia Arness

has dismissed|her current tax lawyers.

Virginia Arness.

74 years old, born and raised|in Athens, Georgia.

At the age of 13,

she was shipped off to|boarding school in England,

where she's been residing|until just recently.

That was only two days ago.

Impressive.

Now, we've all heard

that Mrs. Arness has|a penchant for thriftiness.

And that she brings new meaning|to the term "conservative."

It's not going to be easy.

She's paranoid|and suspicious. Peter...

I'm her guy.

I'm single.|I'll give her nights, weekends.

Aren't you getting married|on Sunday, Todd?

That's flexible.

And, Peter, I wouldn't|want this to interfere

with your family's|Hawaiian vacation.

You go on.

I got it all taken care of.

Mahalo.

Well, that's very admirable|of you, Todd.

I mean, your youth|definitely makes you an ass...

...et to the company,

especially at the annual|softball game.

But to an archconservative,|74-year-old woman?

What will we do is not charge|Mrs. Arness one single red cent

for her estate planning.

Why?

Because we don't care|about that measly fee.

We use it as a loss leader|to get her corporate business,

the multibillion-dollar|Arness coffee conglomerate.

How may I help you, Howie?

Just thought I'd congratulate|you on turning it around.

Turning what around?

You snaked Gendler.

Please.|Gendler doesn't bother me.

Oh, that's right.|He doesn't bother you.

What the heck was I thinking?

Listen, I thought|maybe after work

you and me go tie one on,

maybe check out|some of the local talent.

Can't. I'm meeting|Mrs. Arness at 6:00.

And by the way,|it's "You and I go tie one on,"

not "You and me go."

Somebody messaging you here.

Who's Lawyer-girl?

Nobody.

Whoa. Did someone make|a blind Internet date?

No. I mean, you know,|well, technically, but no.

I met her|in a legal chat room.

She's, uh, very classy|and smart.

When do you nail her?

I'm courting her tonight|at 7:00.

Oh, jeez. You're courting her.|Sounds like a hot one.

And this is her?

Yeah, she's attractive,|isn't she?

I suppose.|It's not my cup of tea.

What do you...|she is universally cute.

Eh, she's a little too|anemic-Iooking, Petey.

I like my jello to jiggle,|if I'm not being too subtle.

You're not being too subtle.

All right, as long as she spins|your knobs, I'm happy for you.

Have you nailed anyone|since Kate?

Nail... I was|supposed to call her.

Sofia, can you get my wife|on the phone?

- Ex-wife.|- Ex-wife on the phone?

Right away.

Can't help you with this one,|pal. See you later.

Peter, you cannot break|another promise to these kids.

You just can't.

I said I couldn't take them|to Hawaii.

I didn't say|I couldn't take them.

They can spend the week|with me.

They are gonna be|so disappointed.

I can't talk to you right now.

Um... Daddy can't take you|to Hawaii.

Oh, darn.

He always does this.

Sanderson, party of two.

Oh, you're the last|to arrive.

How long has she been here?

Mmm, about 20 minutes.

Was she trouble?

Thank you.

Hello.|I'm Peter Sanderson.

Well, I'm glad|they didn't send a child.

I told them I specifically|wanted someone my own age.

What a wonderful|French bulldog.

My mother had one.|They make great companions.

- What's her name?

His name is|William Shakespeare.

Well, of course.

Now, I've heard about|your unfortunate escapade.

I don't have escapades.

Fiasco with your|previous attorney.

The man was|a thieving criminal.

Just because I have|a lot of money

doesn't give people|the right to overcharge.

I do not enjoy|being taken advantage of.

Which is why our service|is free of charge.

After all, you worked hard|for your money.

I'm an heiress.

An heiress who worked hard|to keep her money.

Now, shall we get down|to business?

Fine.

So, now you may hand over|your proposal.

I'll take it with me.

Proposal?

Well, I was expecting|to meet with you tomorrow.

I was assured|the proposal would be ready

for this afternoon.

I see no point|in our meeting tomorrow.

Excuse me.|Madam, I'm sorry.

We have a no-dog policy|in the lounge.

Unfortunately, I'm gonna have|to ask you to remove the dog.

Excuse me.|I am Mrs. Arness' attorney,

and because there is no sign|posted regarding dogs,

that means there is|no policy toward dogs.

Now, if you want to avoid|a legal situation,

I would suggest|you run to the kitchen

and get some tuna tartare|for William Shakespeare

on the house.

Yes, sir.

I'm terribly sorry, ma'am.

Where and when tomorrow?

Hello, Mr. Sanderson.

Oh, Mrs. Kline.|Always a pleasure.

And when am I going to|get to babysit

with your charming|little Georgey again?

Oh, uh, well, uh, soon,

because he just loves|coming over to your place.

Uh, Mr. Sanderson?

Those Latin people|who were skulking around...

Oh. They were looking|at the Aruda house.

Casing it?

No, uh, to buy it.

Oh, please.

If they're in this block and not|carrying a leaf blower...

Well, I'd love to discuss this|with you further,

but I'm expecting someone.

Hey.

Hi.

I hope you like cham...

...poo.

What's up, baby?

Ooh, champagne.|I love champagne.

This for me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I think|you have the wrong house.

It is damn good|to finally connect.

Pardon me?

It's me, fool... Charlene.

Ooh, food.

What?

It's me, honey.|Your date... Lawyer-girl.

You can't be.

Hey, hey, hey.|Leave that alone.

Well, why can't I?

Because you're not a blonde.

Can't get nothing past you.

You must be|a bomb-ass lawyer.

Oh, look at all|of these pretty candles...

all romantic and sh*t.

Somebody was planning|on getting some booty tonight.

Hey! Leave that alone.|There are settings.

And you can't be Charlene,|because Charlene is more of...

Skinny white broad?

Yeah.

You know, I get that a lot.

But that's your fault|you're thinking that, bro.

You must have not have took|a good look at that picture.

I have looked|at that picture a lot,

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