Broadway Danny Rose

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, if you overate too much tonight...

... I got a great song that the paisans

would understand. It's "Agita".

Uno, two!

# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone

# When I eat,

he gets a treat like a canzone

# He enjoys every meal,

every bite that I steal

# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone

# Some people like their pizza,

some people like suffrite

# And others like hot pepper

on everything they eat

# You hunger with a vuole

to taste that bacala

# Then all at once you think

"Will I answer to gumba?"

# My lovely, lovely woman,

I hate to see her cry

# But when I start to mangia,

I get the evil eye

# My vuole's gettin' stronger,

ah, to hell with my gumba

# Then I get it from my woman,

che de botts a na sciatta

# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone

# When I eat,

he gets a treat like a canzone

# He enjoys every meal,

every bite that I steal

# Agita, my gumba, in the banzone

We got to do Miami jokes.

If you're in Florida, you do Miami jokes.

Morty, I tried Miami jokes.

I don't know what works any more.

- Why? What happened?

- I got that big Miami joke that I do.

About the hotels being expensive

and how much it costs...

...like $150 a day for a sleeping room,

and I said to the clerk "What's cheaper?"

He said "I got a room for $10,

but you make your own bed."

So he gave me a hammer and some nails.

That's the joke.

- It's a good joke. It works.

- Been workin' for years. Last night it died.

Really?

That audience sat there

like they were an oil painting.

I don't know why.

Always works when I do it.

You do that joke?

Maybe that's where I got it from.

When I broke into

this business in New York...

...I could play at least 12 to 20 weeks

a year without leaving the city.

- There was the Latin Quarter...

- The China Doll.

- China Doll...

- Queen's Terrace.

- Played the Boulevard...

- What about Jersey? The Stagecoach...

- Lamplighters.

- Riviera, Bill Miller's.

Look how far you have to go. You went

to Washington. I went to Baltimore.

- You gotta have good tyres to work today.

- Or a good car.

The first impressin I did,

I went to see The Seventh Veil.

I didn't want to become an impressionist.

I was trying to develop an English accent.

The idea of impersonating James Mason

was the furthest thing from my mind.

Out came this impressin and

I've been doing impressions ever since.

- But this thing is all in the mask, right?

- And then I did Picasso for a few weeks.

You know the first time

I saw you do Mason?

It was backstage at the Sullivan show.

You were brilliant.

I was there with Danny Rose.

Remember Danny Rose?

He was handling an actor - the manager -

and a one-legged tap-dancer.

It was his normal handling.

Danny Rose. Yeah. Oh, he's the best.

May I say one word? Might I just interject

one concept at this juncture?

You're lookin' for somebody

for Memorial Day weekend.

My blind xylophone player, OK?

The man would be perfect for your room.

- Ah, forget it.

- Philly, will you please hear me out?

The man is a beautiful man.

He's a fantastic individual.

My hotel gets old Jewish people.

They're blind.

- They ain't gonna pay to see a blind guy.

- So forget that, then.

How about Herbie Jayson's birds?

Herbie Jayson's birds.

They're little birds. They peck tunes out

on a piano. It's a beautiful thing.

What about my one-legged tap-dancer?

Take him for a weekend.

- All right, my one-armed juggler.

- Not for my hotel!

All right, what about Lou Canova,

my Italian singer? He'd be great.

Lou Canova's a dumb, fat, temperamental

has-been with a drinking problem.

Jesus! What about Eddie Clark's penguin?

Eddie Clark and his penguin.

The penguin skates on the stage dressed

as a rabbi. It's hilarious. He's got a beard.

I'll tell you what, give me Sonny Chase.

He's the best act you got.

- He's fast, he's funny.

- I don't handle Sonny any more.

Since when?

It's a long story. I discovered the kid.

He slept on my sofa. I supported him.

I don't wanna bad-mouth the kid, but

he's a horrible, dishonest, immoral louse.

- And I say that with all due respect.

- I know, Danny.

- They get a little success and leave you.

- That's my point! Believe me, Philly...

...if I had all the acts in this business that

I started that made it, I'd be a rich man.

I'd like to help, but Weinstein's Majestic

Bungalow Colony is a classy place.

- I need a classy act.

- I wanna show you this lady.

She is the Jascha Heifetz

of this instrument. She is something.

You gotta see this, Philly. It's incredible.

Never took a lesson. This is self-taught.

Next year, Philly, my hand to God,

she's gonna be at Carnegie Hall.

But you, I'll let you have her now

at the old price, OK?

Which is anything you wanna give me,

anything at all.

- I remember that woman.

- You have never seen acts like this.

This guy would work his tail off

for these acts.

If he believed in an act,

he would go all out.

Danny, my partner wants me

to open up with the dachshund...

...but I think I should open up

with the swan or the giraffe.

The swan is pretty and it fascinates the

people. Or... have an animal of this type.

I think your partner's right. Open up with

the dachshund and build to the giraffe.

Close with the giraffe

cos it's got more impact.

Really?

If you take my advice, you'll be one of

the great balloon-folding acts of all time.

Cos I don't see you just folding

these balloons in joints.

You listen to me, you're gonna fold

these balloons at universities.

You're gonna make your snail

and your elephant on Broadway.

But the thing to remember is

before you go out on stage...

...you gotta look in the mirror

and you gotta say your three S's:

Star, smile, strong.

Star, smile, strong.

- Danny used to be a performer.

- He was a comic.

He worked the Catskills. He did all

the old jokes and stole from everybody.

He was the kind of comic

you'd think he'd be.

God bless you, darling. Let me ask you

a question, sweetheart. How old are you?

- 81.

- 81 years old. Isn't that fantastic?

No, really. She's 81.

It's fantastic. I mean that.

Unbelievable. You don't look

a day over 80. No, I mean it.

I'm just kiddin'. I love you.

You're really beautiful.

What sign are you, darling?

- What?

- She says "What?" She's great.

But I drove up here today. I love driving.

You run across so many interesting

people. I saw a terrible accident.

Two taxi cabs collided.

30 Scotchmen were killed.

He stopped doing his act because

he was working the Catskill Mountains.

Nobody in the audience

is under 80 years old.

He's on stage, doing his act,

two people get heart attacks.

So naturally

he became a personal manager.

You can't do a good act,

you become a personal manager.

But his acts were so devoted.

They loved him.

Where you gonna find

that kind of devotion today?

The funniest Danny Rose story is the time

he's handling a hypnotist. A hypnotist.

He's got the guy working

the Catskill Mountains.

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