Broken Hearts Club

That Cameron Diaz is hot.|Did you check out the new F-150 yet?

Dude, it's huge.

I figure after the Laker game, I'll|head to Dublin's, grab some brewskies.

No way, man.|There's no snatch there on Mondays.

- It's total sausage on week nights.|- You guys see that Saxon got traded?

It sucks.|The line's gonna be sh*t now.

Amen, girlfriend.

- What did I say?|- We were doing so well.

There isn't a straight man who doesn't|refer to anyone but his girlfriend...

as "girlfriend."

But I was so butch|when I said it.

Fine. I don't care that I lost.|I hate games. Where's the check?

You should be proud to have lost.

This whole exercise is an unabashed,|demoralizing case of self-mockery.

This from the man that brought us,|"There's no snatch there on Monday."

- That's different.|- I agree.

If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men|spent their time, he'd defect.

Larry Kramer can blow me, okay?

This is fun.

Besides, that was 5 minutes|and 32 seconds.

- Group record.|- Meanwhile...

I was saying earlier--

Could I have|a double steroid mocha?

- I can't help it. I'm a gym bunny hag.|- Gross.

Yes, Benji, yours is a lost cause.

I hate this city.|Everyone's better-looking than me.

- Cheer up,Jan. You'll make the team.|- I'm serious.

F*** off.

It's from the three of us.

And you wrapped it in your pants.

That's very funny.

- "Love, Here I Am."|- It's a joke.

You're the only one of us that never|complains about not having a boyfriend.

Certain individuals less familiar|with the real Dennis...

might interpret that|absence of desire to couple...

as a defense mechanism, a wall.

In which case, this text would serve you|in overcoming your emotional blockage...

and opening yourself up|to the possibilities of a relationship.

Okay, hint taken.|Come on. Just get together.

I can't take a picture.|I look terrible right now.

I really, honestly.|Wait a minute. Look at this.

- Actually, this isn't bad.|- Okay.

Good. Light's good over there.|Go. Come on, go.

All right.

Meanwhile--

when I first knew I was gay.

Can't remember.

But what I do remember...

I first realized it was okay.

- "It was when I met these guys..."|- Thank you.

my friends.

I still need to find a housewarming gift|for my sister and Clubber Lang.

She's been your sister's girlfriend|for five years.

Don't you think you two|should get along?

Meanwhile, don't look now,|but right behind me--

I could kill you.

You act like he'd never know|we were checking him out.

He wouldn't even know I was a fag|if I wasn't here with you--

a cart full of kitchenwares.

What planet are you living on?

Not a person in this store wouldn't|pick you off the homo tree in a second.

- Keep telling yourself that.|- You don't believe me?

Okay. I'm sorry, miss?|Excuse me, miss?

Could you come here|for just a second?

This man, you've never seen him before|in your whole entire life, right?

Tell me, which is it:|fag, not a fag?

I'll have to say big fag.

- The first thing I want to say, Larry--|- Lawrence.

- Remember my thing with that?|- Right.

Anyway, Lawrence,|the last two weeks...

that we've been going out...

have been some of the best moments|in my dating career.

We've laughed, we've learned...

we've tripped the light fantastic.

And yet, I just...

feel like something's|just not working.

What do you think, dear?

I'm not sure. Fold your arms.

Oh, gosh, yeah. Big nellie.

It's not you, okay? It's me.

I'm the broken piece,|and you wanna know why?

It's because deep down inside...

I'm a lonely person.

Are you reading that|off of your hand?

What? No.

You are. You are totally|reading a script.

It's just some notes. I wanted|to make sure I said the right thing.

Oh, give me a f***ing break.

The light fantastic?|You don't even know what that is.

What?

Got an APB on a Caucasian male,|brown hair and eyes...

Suspect is unarmed and has distinct|characteristics of a homosexual male.

That's how I'd call you in myself.

You know, you are worse|than all the muscle boys combined.

At least they don't presume|to want a relationship.

I never said|that I wanted a relationship.

- Then what did you want?|- Something casual.

Linen sports jackets are casual.|Swimwear is casual.

- F***ing somebody is not casual.|- Okay.

While we're on the subject...

if certain rumors concerning|your sexual proclivities...

start popping up around town,|you'll know who started them.

Have a pleasant evening,|bottom boy!

That is such bullshit!

Why do you bring them here,|strumpet?

I am not in the mood|for one of your tirades.

As a person in a long-term relationship,|I'm gonna let you know.

- What you do is sick.|- Whatever.

Number one, you work here.|It's in poor taste.

Number two, if you're gonna|break up with somebody...

have the decency to provide them|with better lighting.

I heard that, ingrate.|Oh, record time, Casanova.

You can start your shift early.

Roberto, what are you|cutting those with, a chain saw?

This is bruschetta.|You slice the tomatoes thinly.

Jack, that's Javier.|Roberto is his brother.

If he cuts those tomatoes right,|I'll call him Phyllis if he wants.

As a person|in a long-term relationship...

I don't see how you're ever gonna|find happiness with one person...

if you don't mend your ways.

Do you not start any sentences with, "as|a person in a long-term relationship"?

It speaks of my authority|on matters of the heart.

-It speaks of your boyfriend's insanity.|-Hey, guys.

- Thank God.|- You're late.

Sorry, but, you know,|it is my birthday.

Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog, sugar.|Go to work.

Saw your prey on the curb.|Nice work.

Last time I use an audition monologue|to break up with somebody.

You coming to the party,Jack?

I just wrapped 1 00 pieces of cantaloupe|in prosciutto to keep 'em warm.

You didn't. Jack!

I couldn't let you have a birthday|without giving you...

at least a little bit|of my superior taste and talent.

And in addition to which,|look what I got today.

The Broken Hearts jerseys.

I will be signing up|interested parties all night.

Please, I'm begging you,|no softball team this year.

No softball team this year.|No softball team this year.

Are you crazy? You know what kind|of P.R. this is for the restaurant?

It can't be that good. We lost|every single game we played last year.

Two of those teams|only had four people.

Nobody's forcing you two to play,|but remember who pays your bills.

Leslie, Queen of Bitchtar,|your people have come to take you home.

Good evening, Patrick.|It's your brother!

I'll be right there.

What is it with lesbians|and candles?

I just got home from the office,|and I'm not in the mood for your sh*t.

So...

what's the gift?

It's a housewarming present|for Anne.

Two months late.

Looks like a coffeemaker.

Well, you can shut your mouth|because it's a surprise.

Oh, we already have a coffeemaker.

I've seen your old one.|This one is way better.

We got rid of that one.|She didn't tell you?

We have a new Webb 3000.

- You already have a Webb 3000?|- Don't worry, sweetie.

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