Broken Hearts Club Page #2

It won't be the first time|she's returned one of your gifts.

So Anne tells me you're jealous|of her vibrator.

How do I look?

- Great! Where's Hansel and Gretel?|- That's clever.

- You sure you don't want to come?|- No, thank you.

- He said it's gonna be mixed.|- The last time he said that...

there were 60 men, 3 women|and a parrot...

and the parrot was getting|more attention than the women.

That parrot knew the words|to "Material Girl."

Shall we?

Do you have to do that in here?|We are two blocks from the house!

Parties make me nervous.

- I'm relaxing.|- Can you relax legally?

- What if we get pulled over?|- What are the police gonna do?

For starters,|the whole arresting thing.

If we don't go home together tonight,|you'll understand.

- Let's not do this thing.|- What whole thing?

This eleventh-hour breakup routine.|It's really demoralizing me.

I'm not breaking up anything here...

because what there was to break up here|was broken up two months ago.

Yet we're still sleeping together.

We sleep together because|we got a f***ed-up friendship...

not because we're boyfriends.

- I don't want to talk about this.|- You never wanna talk.

You just want to smoke pot,|watch the f***ing Cartoon Network.

What's to talk about? We're|ex-boyfriends who still screw around.

I want more. You don't.

I hang on because I love you.

I wait desperately for the day|you calm down, wake up...

and realize you love me.

You hang on because it's easy.

When you say it that way,|I sound like an a**hole.

Okay, wait. Hold on.|First television crush.

Oh, easy. John-Boy Walton.

Yes, honey, I always wanted to be|the last one to say good night to him.

- No, that mole.|- Mine is Matthew Laborteaux.

- Who's that?|- Albert from "Little House."

Wait a minute. It was the morphine|addiction episode, wasn't it?

- How did you know?|- 'Cause you have a thing for bad boys.

The valley stream is clear enough|to reflect even a hair or a whisker.

Why should I keep this mirror?

See, as an artist, it's crucial|that I reject the mirror for the stream.

Right.

I'm gonna get a drink.|Do you wanna hang here or--

Definitely.

I mean, you know, whatever.

So how do you and Benji|know each other?

We fold jeans at Structure.

Okay, my first television crush:|Aquaman.

Aquaman? Are you kidding me?

No, you laugh, but he was a blond|and he had a swimmer's build.

I don't like blondes though.

- Swimmer's?|- It was a lot of crap.

Listen, boys,|I'm not leaving this party...

until you sign up...

to be on the best team|in the West Hollywood Softball League...

the Broken Hearts!

So come on over here|and sign up, guys.

Free drinks for a signature!

Oh, they'll all quit|after we lose the first game.

- That looks good, actually.|- Don't do that.

I have to let it set|for at least-- Gosh.

- Guess who's outside.|- Who?

J. Crew guy from New Year's.

- No sh*t. At my party?|- Yeah.

Come here.

Over there by the dining room table|talking to a bunch of his friends.

There he is. Oh, my God.

Shut the door.

It's your birthday star|shining on you.

We barely hooked up last time.|He probably doesn't even remember me.

How 'bout you?|Any luck with the coworker?

Who had a chance?|Cole moved right in.

I just live with him.

It wouldn't have worked anyway.|The guy's a total newbie.

- Hasn't even told me he's gay yet.|- No sh*t. You can pick 'em.

I know. I can't help myself.

They remind me how great|it used to feel, you know.

When you first come out,|and every guy in the room is just--

Possibility.

Yeah.

Then you find out|we are the possibility.

- Oh, damn.|- What?

Much like a Zen master,|you must struggle to find freshness...

in the mundane tasks of your world.

That, of course,|being the world of retail.

I totally understand what you mean.

It's that book.|He's unstoppable with the book.

What's the book?

Some book on Zen lessons|he found on Dennis' shelf.

One of Cole's ex told him he was|without an opinion about anything...

so he thought it'd be best|if he went out and got some.

Dumb, gorgeous people should not|be allowed to use literature...

when competing in the pickup pool.

It's like bald people wearing hats.

It's deceiving.

- You open my gift yet?|- No. Which one is it?

- Right there.|- I didn't know that.

Where's Paul?|He hasn't answered my pages all day.

Love, Here I Am.

It helped me so much|in preparing myself for loving Paul.

- Thank you, sweetie.|- You're welcome, baby.

I'll just put that|with my other two copies.

I was wondering|if there's any more ice.

Ice.

Yes, there is ice...

and I will go get it.

Hark! The party calls.

From New Year's, right?

I wasn't sure you'd remember me.

Well, I do.

I really didn't come in here|for this.

That's my frosting.

Dan, you gotta come upstairs.|It's Taylor.

What's goin' on?

You're kidding me.

- What's happening?|- Paul finally called Taylor back.

From Hawaii, where he's vacationing|with his new boyfriend.

Oh, sh*t.

No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy.

What the f*** is a fairy supposed to do|around here in case of emergency?

- Howie, there's gotta be something.|- I'm looking.

- There's Celine Dion.|- In hell!

No. Okay, here.

"Beaches" soundtrack.

Oh, thank God. Track four.

I just heard.

I was left for another man.

And not just any other man,|a trainer.

A trainer named Dash.

I was left for a punctuation mark.

We all knew this was gonna happen.

- Patrick.|- Come on.

It's not like he didn't know|Paul was sleeping around.

I tried to warn him before they moved|in together, and he wouldn't listen.

I'm in the room, a**hole.

Nice. That's what I get|for being a friend.

We obviously have two different|interpretations of that word.

What does that mean?

It means that when it comes to men...

you delight in being the bearer|of bad news for all of us.

You can disguise it all you want under|the guise of Patrick's good advice...

but it ain't sh*t|but a pin...

trying to pop|all of our relationship balloons.

Yeah, I knew Paul was sleeping|with other people.

But he said|that we'd work things out.

He promised we'd work things out.

He lied.

I'm sorry. You know what?

This is the time of the evening|where all the prettier boys hook up...

so I'm just gonna leave now.

- He hates me.|- He'll get over it.

The apartment was Paul's.

He wants me out by Friday.

We have a guest room.

You're more than welcome to it.

- I couldn't.|- It wouldn't be a problem.

Cole lives here too. I couldn't do it|unless you were okay with it.

Well, it's sort of sudden.

But...

it's Dennis' house,|so if he's okay with it...

then I guess I am.

Then it's settled.

Dennis, Cole, I--

You'll never, ever know|how much I appreciate this.

I'm gonna need your strength now.

See you guys.

What happened?

Paul dumped Taylor.|Taylor's a wreck.

Party's gonna break up soon,|if you want a ride.

Howie, no.

You know,|I can't be your Rice-A-Roni.

My what?

Your Rice-A-Roni.

It's the ultimate '7 0s game show|consolation prize...

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