Bros Before Hos

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I never want to see you again, a**hole.

- Then get lost.

Go to hell, selfish f***ing b*tch.

- Shut up. You should talk.

Hi, I'm Max. The white one.

That brown peanut next to me

is called Jules. Yep, he was adopted.

Stupid c*nt.

Not that it matters. He's my brother.

Homies for life.

Go f*** other guys, why don't you.

Goddammit.

My little guys, hey.

Just abandon your kids.

They'll raise themselves. Goddammit.

God... goddammit.

Guys, listen carefully.

Never ever, I mean never ever,

have a relationship.

OK? Never.

Right? All women are f***ing whores.

They're only useful for f***ing.

Other than that have nothing

to do with them. Got that? OK.

Hey, whore!

You're forgetting

your motherfucking kitchen machine.

Max, swear that you'll never

have a girlfriend.

I swear.

Me too.

Right. So this is me today.

Successful and everything.

Good job, nice house.

And I can sleep in every day.

Whoa, two fatalities, thirty injured

and a traffic jam of over 60 km.

Who cares?

I always walk to work.

10 DAY FILMS FOR 10

Yep, I work in the video store,

right below my home.

Living the dream. Getting paid

for watching movies all day.

And hoping I don't get any customers.

F***.

Ouch, my elbow.

- Sorry.

Thanks a lot.

- I said sorry, didn't I?

The Big Lebowski.

What a piece of sh*t.

Costa.

Isn't that the one in the snow

with all the skiing?

Definitely. Best Dutch movie ever.

You know what you can do?

You can put every bottle

in those crates.

And sweep up the glass, by the way.

Good luck.

There he is. My brother Jules.

Yep, he has people working

underneath him.

Assistant branch manager

of the stipmarket.

Free snacking all day, phoning

and slacking.

Niggaaaaah.

- Niggaaaaaaaaaaah.

Who would you bang? Doutzen Kroes

with full-blown AIDS, without a condom?

Or Viola Holt from the 1984 Playboy,

just hit by a truck...

...and dragged along for a mile,

but down there she's still perfect.

Is it really full-blown AIDS?

Or is Doutzen still at the HIV stage?

Jules, this isn't the deal. You know that.

Out of my office, OK?

Yes, full-blown AIDS.

But... how did she get it?

Unprotected butt sex with a hobo.

But Viola Holt is still

completely undamaged down there.

Nothing wrong with it.

- I'll do Doutzen.

Without a condom?

That's gross, you know.

So I was thinking,

let's party our asses off tonight, b*tch.

No man, I'd planned to take it easy

this weekend.

No b*tch, let's go.

Chicks are usually with a friend

who's less attractive.

Makes them feel good, I guess.

They always look better

next to the ugly one.

I bet that if you ran into a pretty girl

on her own, you wouldn't notice her.

Ugly chicks have to try harder, so

they're smarter, funnier and a better lay.

But what it comes down to: chicks are

always in pairs. F***ing perfect.

It'll be fine.

She's not worth it.

- Are you OK?

What's wrong?

- His girlfriend just broke up with him.

Oh, dear.

- On our birthday, of all things.

You're both having a birthday?

- Yeah, we're twins.

But he's imported from Mongolia.

Our birthdays happen to be

on the same day.

Well, happy birthday.

- Congratulations.

Can I get you a drink?

Yes, water, please.

I just started on antibiotics...

Really? Bartender,

four Long Island Iced Teas, please.

The Long Island Iced Tea.

It starts with ice in a long drink glass.

This cocktail contains four shots:

gin, vodka, white rum and tequila.

It's finished with a bit of cola.

Connoisseurs say it's about balance.

For us it's about

the enormous amount of alcohol.

Did you know we grew up

without a mother?

Oh, no.

- Jesus.

I say:
Cheers.

- Cheers.

What?

- Don't tell anyone else, OK?

No, of course not.

A boiling hot beam of water

on her snatch?

Yeah, man.

It's not as if I deliberately

pick the less attractive ones.

But the pretty ones

always like my brother.

Maybe it's his color, I don't know.

Ah well, it makes for

interesting situations.

Gotcha niggah.

Ren?

No thanks.

- Gay.

Check it out.

Nola. From yesterday.

- Hi, Jules.

Jules, can you hear me?

- Bye.

That Nola had some beef sandwich, man.

A poorly packed suitcase.

What? Bad breath?

No, gay. Long p*ssy lips.

- Oh.

You know, as if she had

an upside-down rooster up her snatch.

Gross.

Suzanne has that too.

Hold on. Check it out.

Oh, man. Is that Suus?

- I filmed it. Secretly.

OK, is that your dick or not?

- Say what!

Say what.

Imagine you have to

screw that every day.

Every day the same f***ing p*ssy.

You're right, man.

F*** that relationship sh*t.

What do you mean?

F*** you and your gay pact.

There's nothing wrong with a relationship.

You just have to...

...make sure you've got

your b*tch under control. That's all.

Control your b*tch

is what I'm saying.

Control your ho.

If Suzanne would ever...

Hi, sweetie pie.

- I thought we agreed you'd come by.

I was on my way, but...

- Bullshit!

What was that?

- Nothing.

I'll be right there.

- I'll be right there, OK?

OK, see you soon, babe.

- See you soon, babe. I'm a f*ggot.

See you soon.

- Whorel

Losers.

Dude!

Bro's before ho's, man.

She's not worth it. It'll be fine.

Is he all right?

- His girlfriend just broke up with him.

On our birthday, of all things.

You're both having your birthday?

- I'm adopted, dear boy.

He's from Turkey.

- Botswana.

Djibouti.

- He's an aboriginal.

Well, happy birthday.

- What?

Happy birthday!

Four Long Island Iced Teas, please.

Four Long Island Iced Teas, please.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

Max and Jules, happy birthday!

- Happy birthday.

Put it in my ass!

Any awesome movies released,

recently?

Yes, some have been released

a while ago.

Django is awesome.

Casa de mi Padre,

abstract sh*t with Will Ferrell.

And Ted from Seth MacFarlane.

It's awesome too.

- Ted.

Cool. We'll download them at home.

Sure. F***ing loser. Who the f***

still rents movies at the video store?

See ya.

Anyway, I asked Suzanne...

I'm like:
want something to eat too?

She said:
No, I'm not hungry.

So I get a Serrano ham sandwich.

I was starving.

She's like:
Can I take a bite?

I said:
Sure, no problem.

Then that b*tch

eats half of my sandwich.

Otherwise I would have ordered

two sandwiches!

So when I said something about it,

she's like...

Check this out.

What the f***?

It's that Forrest Gump.

I told you about him before.

And usually he also...

There he goes.

- Oh, sh*t.

Hello.

Hello.

Did you happen to see a guy

who's not all there?

Sh*t.

Coming?

Sorry. Sometimes he loses control.

Right, Jordy?

Shall we take these two?

These two, please.

40 days in her hole...

Good choice.

You can take all of them.

No one ever rents them anyway.

- Really? That's so sweet. Thanks.

Thanks.

Bye.

Hold on.

Phone number?

Sorry. Jordy doesn't just

give his number to anyone.

And he's not attracted to guys, so...

Oh sh*t. Yes, I can tell.

What did we agree on?

- Sorry. Sure.

I need your number for the movies.

Or your customer card number,

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