Bruno & Earlene Go to Vegas Page #2

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room at the LAPD Continental.

My dad's a lawyer.

Shut up.

What am I not getting here?

Jeez, what's his problem?

Is it that time of the month?

There aren't enough

tissues for those issues.

- Word, girl.

- I know.

- What did you do to my hair?

- I smartened it up.

Yeah, thanks.

How did we get in?

What have I created?

- Is this for me?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Wow.

What do you say about taking a

trip together? Just you and me.

Why?

Because I figure you could

use a vacation. I could too.

I could take you to

see the Eiffel Tower.

I mean, it's not Paris, but it's as

close as you'll get to the real thing.

What's wrong with you?

Forget it.

There's nothing wrong with me.

I'm just a bit mixed up, that's all.

It's a great place.

There's tons of room.

Yeah. Bring the gang. Bye.

Sharing the love?

We've never really belonged,

so we're more inclined to share.

Hop in.

It's nothing but clear skies

and blazing heat today, folks.

Just like any other day.

But is it just me or is there

something in the air?

Oops. Guess it's just me.

Half a mile for a pee?

I'm not a cougar yet, you know.

LA Talk Radio. We say what we want.

You ever noticed how

when you drink milk,

you can get one of those

moustaches? Yeah... Yeah.

This woman's nuts.

She also happens to have

great taste in music.

And besides, I can relate.

- Hand me a beer, will you?

- You're driving.

OK, make it a light.

- Alcohol gives you memory loss.

- That it does.

You should try it sometime.

Are you gonna start

being nice to me now?

Like the Bruno I first met, huh?

I'm sorry.

So what was that doctor

gonna do back there?

He's not really a doctor.

He's more like a researcher.

He takes pictures of people who are

different and sells them on to fixers.

What do they fix?

Problems. Or rather,

society's problems.

I don't think you have to worry

about that. I mean, you look good.

You do. You look nice and healthy

and robust.

You know, you remind

me of when I was a kid.

Yeah, you do.

Man, I was just trying to

figure out who the f*** I was

and what the hell I was all about.

Nobody ever says that they

want to raise a teenager.

I mean, it's always about the baby.

You know, the baby, the baby,

this little bundle of joy.

Nobody ever talks about

raising a teenager.

I mean, no wonder all these f***ing

kids are so lost, you know?

They were never meant to be.

Yeah, well, people change.

Stop eating that.

Jesus! Did anybody ever teach

you about nutrition? God!

140 calories. Zero fat, trans fat...

Yeah, and vitamins?

Minus numbers don't count.

All manmade sh*t is bad.

And I think I'm gonna

go find a bathroom.

I'll be right back.

Earlene?

Earlene?

- You found me.

- I had a feeling.

You know, there were toilets

back at the gas station.

Yeah. Yeah.

But they're not as clean

as the holy ones.

They don't come with

the freebies, either.

Whoa! Jesus is such a giver.

Yeah. Good girls go to heaven.

Bad girls rule the world.

Here.

- No!

- Yeah.

- Did you get these from back there?

- Yeah.

My God! It's totally a sign.

The Eiffel Tower!

What makes it so special, anyway?

It's one of a kind.

The artists of Paris

petitioned against it.

They thought it was ugly

and that it shouldn't be built.

They were afraid of

something different.

But then over time,

they grew to like it.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.

I'm gonna hang on to these. OK?

I'm gonna wear them for the

perfect moment. Trust me.

- OK?

- OK.

- Yeah?

- OK.

OK.

So, are we getting

out of here or what?

- OK. But twin beds.

- Sure.

Howdy.

God!

Billy, you're interfering

with the signal.

Fashion TV's gone blurry.

He was totally looking at you!

Please. He doesn't want

my tired old snatch.

He's totally a queen. Bottoms up.

- You think?

- Yes, honey. Please.

- What, is he your type?

- What's a type?

I'm gonna get some smokes.

- I'll be right back.

- Cool.

Billy! Bring the Kardashians back.

My knight in shining armour. Oh!

You guys don't have any

T-booster, do you?

- It's for testosterone.

- No. Sorry, ma'am.

- You don't have anything like that?

- No.

F***.

Sh*t!

Jesus Christ!

Bruno, why did you lock the door?

What, you don't trust me, huh? Huh?

Why did you lock the door?

I'm just gonna come

right out and say it.

And it doesn't matter, OK?

I didn't make a point of it earlier

because I wanted you to know that...

I'm fine with it.

I'm fine with you being...

whatever it is you wanna be.

I let go of a lot of

bad things in my life.

Turns out they were the only

things keeping me company.

I was alone for a really long time.

Then you came along and it's

like I really know who I am.

I just never knew what it

was people wanted me to be.

Open the door.

You don't have to

prove anything to me.

Pop quiz, frog lovers!

Win a romantic trip to France if you

can answer tnis simple question.

How tall is the Eiffel Tower?

1063 feet.

Call in now for a chance to win.

Remember, no snail mail.

Oh, oops!

Sorry, bud. I was in

my own little world.

I'd give you something to

dry yourself with, but...

As you can see...

You wouldn't mind if I...? Thanks.

It's good. It's good for your teeth.

There's no calcium.

Good for your jaw, then. Mastication.

Billy! We are not staying here.

They don't have wi- and

the coffee's not organic.

Hey.

We gotta go. I packed your stuff.

What is it?

My boyfriend's car.

Come on.

We need your help.

Can we get a ride?

- Now?

- Like right now.

Follow me.

- You ladies holding tight?

- Yeah. Why?

Cos this jeep ain't mine.

Billy!

You stay on board,

- you're officially accomplices.

- Billy! This is my dad's car!

Go!

You b*tch! Billy! Come back here!

Yee-ha!

Send your dad my love!

Shouldn't we be

sticking to the highway?

Not when you got heat up

your ass. Carjack virgins, huh?

Alright, you know what?

We're usually a little bit more careful

when it comes to hitching with dudes.

We're a dangerous breed.

You should be.

Don't worry yourselves.

I'm a new species.

What's that?

The type that doesn't reproduce.

The world doesn't need

more people like me.

- Why?

- Because I steal.

Girls and guys. Hearts and cars.

The former I break, the latter I take.

Great! We got Dean Moriarty here.

What's your problem?

You all dried up?

You know what?

Watch your f***ing mouth.

You know, you remind me of

that actress from that movie.

- Susan Sarandon?

- That's the one.

- I've thought that too.

- Susan Sarandon? She's f***ing old!

When she was younger.

- That buddy movie.

- The Banger Sisters?

- That's the one!

- That's it.

Well, if that makes you Goldie Hawn,

then I got the better end of the stick.

- No.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- No. F***!

- No, listen.

No. No, no! F***!

No f***ing way! No f***ing way!

We are in the middle of no... Sh*t!

Damn it.

F***!

- Prognosis?

- Not good.

Isn't this great?

And here I was, thinking we

were all on the same page.

- Going off road really worked out, huh?

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