Bruno & Earlene Go to Vegas Page #3

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- Hey, you two are the ones on the run.

You f***ing dick.

- What's her deal?

- Period?

So now, I'm just going

on and on and on.

- No family, no ties, no regrets.

- So you steal cars to keep moving?

I thought I found what

I was looking for.

Turns out we'd fallen in love

with an idea, not each other.

The problem was, I was a long way from

home and I'd already said goodbye.

Here. Temperature's

gonna drop pretty soon.

Well, it's not Vegas.

- But it'll do.

- It's beautiful.

Let's go!

It's getting late and

the sun's gone down.

You've just clocked off

from a hard day's work.

Hubby's home with a six-pack of

beer watching "Wheel of Fortune",

but it's karaoke night

down at the saloon.

What are you gonna do?

Down the brown!

You'd know all about that,

wouldn't you? But I...

prefer to sink the pink.

Any hole's a goal.

Ever f***ed a girl on her period?

Just cos I'm straight,

doesn't mean I've poked the jam.

- Of course I f***ing have.

- Parted the red waves?

Aye. Damn right. Just put

a towel down. It's all good.

- Guys.

- F***'s sake.

You guys, you guys,

shut the f*** up, alright?

- There's a lady right here.

- Are you on your period?

- Fairy talk.

- We're speaking Scottish.

If a woman's bitchy,

she's on her period.

There's a big difference.

In Scotland, they deep-fry everything.

Put the peanut down or else

your brains will be in that bowl.

- How did you get here?

- Our truck broke down.

- Did you use a map?

- No.

Give me that!

I am so sorry. She's been

itching to use that toy.

Hey! You're lucky to be alive.

We're the only people out

here within 100 miles.

- Where are we?

- Nowhere.

- What kind of place is that?

- Any place but somewhere, honey.

A place where nobody can find us.

- Unless it's by accident, of course.

- Or by fate.

Fate, my ass.

- No signal?

- No sleep?

Lucky me.

So, why are we here?

This property went up online

as one of the vacation rentals.

Lo and behold, the tenant

got screwed last minute,

so now we just gotta sit and wait.

- Who were you trying to call?

- Just a friend.

Yeah. Right.

- What's it to you?

- Nothing.

Just thought maybe you were

trying to call your boyfriend.

If you're into guys, that's fine

by me. Just a hunch is all.

You know, if you weren't right...

It wouldn't make any difference.

I didn't mean it as a slur.

Well, Miss Know-it-All,

you're right and you're wrong.

I was trying to call my ex.

Good for you.

So, are you into girls?

Is that how you can tell?

Now, why would you think that?

Is it cos I carry a gun?

- Cos I bust dudes' asses for a day job?

- Women commit crimes too.

Is it cos I look in a rear-view

mirror or a side-view mirror

more than a compact mirror?

Perish the thought. Don't make

it out like it's such a bad thing.

- What?

- Being attracted to the same sex.

Well, you're making it sound

like it's a bad thing not to be!

I bet you're a church girl, huh?

Gospel.

I bet the only bang you

get is from a tambourine.

Sorry. That was out of line.

I had a thing with a girl once.

She was Latina.

Her name was Carmen.

Didn't feel anything, though.

No chemistry. That's how I knew.

And here I am, thinking the tough cookie

had a chocolate chip on her shoulder.

- Isn't that supposed to be you?

- White chocolate.

That explains a lot.

Yeah, well. Sweet tooth.

So, after the stakeout, we still need to

get four more tickets to fill our quota.

We can catch some jaywalkers

while we're at it.

Love that sh*t.

Everything is bursting at the seams

Feels like you're treading water

All the while

The riptide's getting stronger

Carrying you to

Carrying you to

Give me that.

I'm the alcoholic around here.

So, what's your deal, buddy?

It's like there's just something

about you you're not telling us.

- Trust me, it takes one to know one.

- You don't have to tell him anything.

It's fine.

I should get used to it.

To explaining, I guess.

A few years ago I decided to get lost,

so that when I found myself,

I'd know where and who I was.

I thought it was this rebellious act,

but I kind of learned that it

didn't really change anything.

I can't escape the person

who's inside of me,

and I'm kind of learning

to love that person.

- We all want a drink, right?

- Yeah.

Sure.

My mother produced two eggs.

XY for a boy and XX for a girl.

Now, normally this

would create twins.

But the eggs merged and

a chimera was formed.

A boy was born with a uterus,

an ovary and a fallopian tube.

A boy whose parents

were f***ing terrified.

A boy who never saw his sister,

but can always feel her spirit.

Can't you just have them removed?

She's a part of who I am.

Well...

You're drinking for two, aren't you?

We're learning new things

about each other, OK?

Alright, fair enough. Fair enough.

Who no one knew had died

With a poet whose

friend was a painter

Yet a hero was left unsung

They took me in

They took me in

They took me in

Don't know where I've been

Half of the time you

know you're asking why

- Whoops.

- What?

It's fine, though.

It's not that bad. It's fine.

- Disgusting.

- It's the five-second rule, big boy.

Get off, you arse bandit!

Sleeping Beauty's risen! Sit down.

Let me get you a juice, eh?

He's still pished.

- Leave him alone.

- What happened?

Well, you were asleep in my

vegetable patch. In the buff

Melted.

We won't tell the Sheriff

Happens to me all the time.

- Too bloody right it does.

- F*** off.

What are you guys doing here?

We used to be strippers out in Vegas.

- The Hot Toddies!

- Something like that.

We were the toast of Vegas.

Then decided, f*** it, it's time

to do something a bit different,

you know what I mean?

- So what are you doing now?

- You asked for it.

I'll forever walk

these streets again

And forever be knocking on your door

- You get the idea.

- Yeah.

We were going to start

touring as a band,

but being out in the desert,

you get a wee bit lazy.

It kinda does funny things to you.

- That's debatable.

- Yeah.

What about you? Where are you headed?

I don't know.

Maybe I've arrived.

Go on

Yerself

That was Aaron Wright,

"Go On Yerself". A song from Scotland,

who are apparently trying to

separate from the United Kingdom.

A fresh start apart

or better together?

We've all been there.

I never wanna drink again

Don't crowd me and my friends

Lift! Lift! There.

Oh! I'm sorry. So sorry.

Alright? Here we go. Alright.

There you go. And there we go.

What is this?

What? Turn that frown upside down?

It's a face, dummy.

Now it's herpes.

I don't know why you have to be

so fussy, Cher. Bon apptit!

Earlene?

You alright?

Bad dream?

I wish.

- You look thirsty.

- Oh, my God.

Thanks. It's good to be on this

side of the bar for a change.

So, how'd you end up here?

Dude, you should not ask that kind

of question in this kind of dump.

Why? What, did you do something bad?

Did I do something bad?

Yeah, I suppose I did.

I used to be a showgirl.

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