Bruno

---

What's up? I'm Brno.

I live in Austria's coolest city, Vienna.

No big deal. Whatever.

I am the host of Funkyzeit,

the most important TV fashion show

in any German-speaking country,

apart from Germany.

Funkyzeit is ber influential.

In fact, Austrian fashionistas live their lives

according to my "In or Out" list.

In! Autism.

Aus. Chlamydia.

Why is autism so cool at the moment?

-Because it's funny.

-Great.

Through Funkyzeit,

ich have done interviews

mit everyone in the Euro-fashion world.

Can you look into this camera and just say,

"You're watching Funkyzeit mit Brno"?

You are watching Funkyzeit programme

with Brno, and it's really a great show.

Yeah, that's cool. Can you do it, like,

even more like a kind of black guy?

You know, like an afrikanischer...

-Like this?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are watching

Funkyzeit programme with Brno.

Yo, man. F***, man. Welcome to the jungle.

Something maybe a bit more crazy.

Maybe show a bit of skin

or something like that.

-No, I don't think so.

-Or what about just like one Kugelsack?

One of the balls?

No.

And the most exciting

and amazing thing in the town,

from the fashion streets of Milan,

only for the German girls, my great hairs.

Yo, man.

Modelling, a lot of people think it's easy.

But it's the hardest job in the world, isn't it?

It's very hard. Standing in heels all day,

and everyone's watching you,

so you have to make sure your walk is good.

And, yeah.

Yeah, it's really hard,

'cause you've gotta remember, like,

to put your right leg forward

and then put your left leg forward

and then, like, which one now?

Right leg again, and then, like, the left one.

And then sometimes you even have to turn.

Yeah. And especially the turn. It's so scary.

Being the host from Funkyzeit

means Brno's always

seated on the front row.

Hi. How are you?

You have to lose some weight.

-The kettle is calling the pot black.

-Yeah?

Put your shoulders back.

This is a fashion show, not a slave auction.

Mein personal assistant,

Kookus, is my rock.

He's also mein stylist.

-Do you think the glasses are too much?

-Yeah, I'd lose them.

They're too much like, "Look at me.

"Hey, everybody, look at me.

Look at my glasses."

-Yeah.

-"Everybody, like, stare at my glasses."

He's also my nutritionist.

Yeah, that is good.

I have a second assistant,

but ich can't remember its name.

Brno has known true love twice in his life.

Once, for 7 minutes with Milli from

Milli und Vanilli. No big deal. Whatever.

But for the last 9 years,

ich have been head ber heels in love

mit a pygmy flight attendant called Diesel.

We're just like an ordinary couple,

you know, boring, stay-at-home types.

-Oh, my God. I feel it.

You're getting so big. -Ja.

-How much do you want?

-Just half a glass. Otherwise I get too giggly.

In September 2008,

I left for Milan Fashion Week

to shoot a new season of Funkyzeit.

Brno had backstage access for

the hottest show of the week, de la Prada.

So I wore the jewel of mein wardrobe,

a suit made entirely out of Velcro.

I'm wearing this.

This is a prototype.

It's a Velcro suit made by Frederic Worms.

Pretty cool, right?

It is. I was looking at it, and can I have one?

-Well, it's a prototype. It's a one-off.

-Okay.

-Thank you.

-Yeah. Okay...

-Also... Yeah.

-Can you go out, please?

We'll get out, but don't push me.

Yeah. Okay, no listen.

We haven't finished the thing.

-You go out now.

-Yeah.

Yeah, wait a second.

Take... Get this off...

Stop!

-Thank you.

-Can someone help this guy?

Can you take...

Wait. Get me out of this.

Get me out of this.

Brno was aus.

For the second time in a century,

the world had turned

on Austria's greatest man

just because he was brave enough

to try something new.

-No.

-Okay.

Brno was schwarz-listed.

-I'm on the front row.

-I don't think so.

I'm sorry.

Und worst of all...

Hello?

...ich was fired from Funkyzeit.

Ich realised that night that the fashion world

was superficial und vacuous.

So, I decided instead to go to Los Angeles

to become a celebrity.

Ich was going to be

the biggest Austrian superstar since Hitler.

What? I'm not coming.

-Why not?

-Because you out. You humiliate me.

-I'm so sorry I humiliate you.

-Okay. Gotta go.

Bye, baby, I love you.

Diesel, I love you. Diesel.

Ich arrived in LA

und cunningly avoided

being snapped by the waiting paparazzi.

No photos, please. Do you want

another Diana on your hands?

Mein Plan was to become

the biggest gay movie star

since Schwarzenegger.

Maximum Santzgaut!

Also, ich headed to my first meeting

mit a Hollywood ber agent.

So my name's Brno.

I was born in Klagenfurt.

I'm 19 years old. And, of course,

you'll know me as the host of Funkyzeit.

Okay. Well, I understand

that you took a look at a side

that I wanted you to think about

from the Jerry Maguire show.

And I wouldn't mind

hearing you try that out.

Okay, great.

-"Jerry enters."

-No.

-"Dorothy seated."

-Just start with the word "hello."

"Hello. Hello.

"I'm looking for my wife!

-"Shut up, women." That was improvisation.

-Fine.

"I couldn't hear your voice

or laugh about it with you."

-All right, let me stop... Wait.

-No, wait, wait. I...

Let me stop for 2 minutes.

Let me stop you right there.

Nowhere in the script does it say

he pauses for an inordinate period of time.

You're here because

you are looking to do feature films.

I wanna be a star.

-In?

-In a huge Hollywood movie.

-Can you make that happen?

-No.

-What?

-I definitely cannot.

But he did get me a starring role

in a top TV show as an extra.

All right, picture's next.

Last looks, please.

Set.

-Background.

-Action.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

it gives me no pleasure at all

to speak to you this afternoon.

The defendant, as you know,

has served our municipality

for more than 12 years as city controller.

So I was pained to learn that his debts

compelled him to accept

hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes.

-Cut!

-Just do a little bit less.

-More or less?

-Less.

-Less. Okay.

-Yeah.

Sure. Thank you.

-Set.

-Action.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I'm afraid it gives me no pleasure at all

to speak to you this afternoon.

As you know, the defendant has

served our municipality as city controller

for more than 12 years,

and I have known him personally

for most of that time.

So I was very pained to learn that

his personal debts

compelled him to accept bribes.

-Cut!

-Here, I'll take that.

-Okay.

-Thank you.

Sorry.

-Should we just go again?

-Okay.

As you know, the defendant

has served this municipality as

city controller for more than 12 years,

and I have personally known him

for most of that time.

That is why I was very pained to learn...

Cut. Sorry, I'm not feeling this one.

Could we go again?

This way.

You were actually my second choice.

I was going to go to the salon that maintains

Salma Hayek's inner thighs,

but the team that do it were booked up

for the next 4 days

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