Bruno Page #2

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because she's got the Elle Style Awards.

And they said they're, like, really,

really exhausted after they do her.

They're exhausted

after they wax Salma Hayek?

She must have a lot of hair.

They say that after a waxing,

there's enough to stuff a mattress.

Well. Speaking of rectums,

let's get you clean.

-Okay. There we go.

-There's not much.

Yeah, sure.

There you go. Now there's wax in there.

Telephone.

-Hello?

-Hey, how you doing, man?

Lloyd, hi. How are you?

I just got off the phone with the network.

They've agreed to do a screening.

Great! Das is all maximum Santzgaut!

In 2 days. I got them to pay

for a focus group for the show.

I think you just scraped my anus.

I did. I got you clean.

My stinker is slightly burning.

Is that normal?

What?

No, that was to the lady who is...

I'm in the salon, yes.

She's just washing my Arschwitz.

Is there any way we can get something

together enough to put it on?

-Okay, sure.

-All right. I'm gonna call them right now.

Are you using Vaseline?

No, lotion.

Could you take your finger

out of my Arschenholer?

All right. I think, guys, we're finished.

Once again, "Can you take my finger,

your finger out of my ass,"

is what the guy just said on the phone.

No, Lloyd, I was not speaking to you.

I was just talking to the woman here.

Who's got the audio?

I want to hear the audio back.

I want you to hear...

I want you to hear what this fool is saying.

Play it back. Talking about what?

His a**hole.

Can you be quiet?

Hello, hello. Hey, can you come in?

Do any of you guys

want to make some more money?

-Hi. How are you?

-Hi.

-I'm Brno. Great to have you here.

-It's nice to meet you.

Come and sit on our great furniture.

These are our Mexican chair people.

Demi Moore has 2 of them in her house.

Yeah, if you sit here.

If you sit on that one.

Also, so tell me about

your humanitarian work.

How important is it for you

to help other people?

Helping other people is so vital to my life.

It's like the air that I breathe

and the water that I drink.

-Please, have some water.

-It is extremely, extremely important for me.

You give love to other people

and you get love back in spades.

And I just feel like that's been my life.

Great. You must be hungry.

Let's bring in some food.

Oh, my God.

-Have some.

-Yeah, this is really bad for me.

I'm sorry. This is really not good.

We're leaving.

Come back, please.

Can you please come back?

Yes, yes, I understand.

But I was thinking...

Okay, but... Okay. Okay.

Yes. Thank you.

Minimum Santzgaut.

Puffy Vater?

Reese Witterspinzel?

Stevie Wunderbar?

Wilhelm Schmidt?

Bradolf Pittler?

I think this focus group is really gonna be

a very interesting example

of how it's gonna play out.

I actually got an interview mit Harrison Ford.

-Very good. Very good.

-Yes.

So, you probably already know, today

we're going to be looking at a new TV show,

A-List Celebrity Max Out mit Brno.

-Howdy, I'm Lloyd Robinson.

-Lloyd, Denny Bond.

Hi. Hi. Great.

Me und Lloyd, we haven't actually spoke

since the other day

when I was getting my anus bleached.

We won't go there, please.

-We won't go there. Yeah.

-That was a very

difficult issue on the phone.

And it's very important

what scores you give it,

because if the show scores over an 85%,,

the network's obviously gonna be

very interested. So take a look.

-Absolutely.

-Congratulations.

Who's ready to max out

with loads of celebrities? I am.

Because das ist A-List Celebrity Max Out.

-How are you?

-Great. Thank you for having me.

Okay, so this is the part of the show,

it's called Future Kinder.

People who are pregnant,

we've managed to get the ultrasound photos.

-It's totally great.

-Okay.

Okay, it is Britney's sister.

I can't even remember her name.

-What's her name?

-Jamie Lynn.

Jamie Lynn Spears.

I mean, is she a celebrity?

No.

Okay, let's see

what she's got in her stomach.

All right. What do you think there?

Is that a white-trash foetus?

Yeah. Totally.

She's got her arms up like she's a A-lister.

Newsflash, you're in a C-lister's womb.

Am I right?

Worse. I think, like, D.

Do you think this kid is retarded?

Definitely the hands look way too big,

and the ears, like,

have not been developed yet.

-Yeah, so keep it or abort it?

-Abort it.

Und now, my exclusive interview

mit Harrison Ford

is only moments away.

But first, some more dancing mit Brno.

That's right.

It's the time you've all been waiting for.

It's my one-on-one,

exclusive interview mit Harrison Ford.

-Also, here I am mit Harrison Ford.

-F*** off!

What's that?

That's actually mine.

-More champagne?

-No, I'm fine, thanks.

Brno!

The end bit was Lloyd's idea.

The last bit was? Lloyd's?

So if you could

describe this show in one sentence...

Can anybody give me one sentence?

-Go ahead.

-The worst piece of crap I have ever seen.

There's always one who's against it. Those...

In any group, there's always one.

What sick human being came up

with something like this?

Well, there's always 2.

There's always 2.

I wanted to poke my eyes out

with hot needles.

You'd have to borrow the needles from me.

Lloyd, we need to distract him

-from listening to this.

-You can't. You can't.

-We need to distract him.

-You can't.

-Kiss me.

-No.

No logical person

would consider a show like this

unless they had

some sort of a mental or moral defect.

Everything.

Oh, my God.

Let me have a look at those.

"The host is a talentless idiot."

Is this the dancing of a talentless idiot?

-I would say that it is.

-Yeah, yeah.

Please, where you going?

Please, this is my career.

I put all my money into this.

I'm here with Congressman Ron Paul,

who was the 2008 presidential candidate.

So tell me, who are you wearing?

Well, I don't even know

because it's pretty conventional.

And I'm pretty, in that sense, pretty ordinary.

But the message is not ordinary.

Sure.

-Do you want some champagne?

-I don't care for any. No.

There's no ice bucket,

but I know a good place to put it.

Yeah, you were great in there.

Have you done a lot of television before?

Well, off and on throughout the years.

This last year, a tremendous amount.

-Sure.

-I do a lot of them.

Do you want some strawberries

-or maybe some oysters?

-No, I'm okay.

I'm gonna light some candles if it's okay.

Really loosens you up.

Has anyone ever told you

you look like Enrique Iglesias?

Of course not. You're much cuter.

I love music.

And dancing. I used to be a dancer.

-All right! Get out of here!

-What?

-All right, this has ended.

-What's going on?

That guy is queerer than the blazes.

He took his clothes off. Let's get going.

-What happened?

-He's queer. He's crazy.

He put a hit on me. He took his clothes off.

I couldn't even schtupp RuPaul.

How would I become weltfamous?

Ich decided to seek advice

from the wisest guy I'd ever known.

I wanna speak to Milli

from the pop dance group Milli und Vanilli.

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