Bubba Ho-Tep

'I was dreaming -

dreaming my dick was out

'and I was checking if that infected

bump on the head of it had filled with pus.

'If it had, I was gonna name it after

my ex-wife Cilla and bust it by jacking off.

'Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do.

'Dreams let you think like that.

'Truth was,

I hadn't had a hard-on in years.'

Oh, man.

'My God, man.

How long have I been here?

'Am I really awake now

or am I just dreaming I'm awake?

'How could my plans

have gone so wrong?

'When the hell

are they gonna serve lunch?

Considering what they serve,

why the hell do I care?

'If Priscilla discovered I was alive,

would she come and see me?

'Would we still wanna f***

or would we merely have to talk about it?

'Is there finally and really anything to life

other than food, sh*t and sex?

'Well, goddamn it.

'How could I have gone

from the King of Rock and Roll to this?

'Old guy in a rest-home in east Texas

with a growth on his pecker.'

'What is that growth, man? Cancer?

'Nobody's talking.

'No one seems to know, or wants to.'

Makes you wonder

what kind of life this old guy had.

- Huh?

- What kind of life he had.

His kids, his grandkids, his legacy.

Look at him now.

Ah, who gives a sh*t?

Hm?

Make you comfy.

No.

Oh!

I'm gonna squish you, cockroach.

Help me.

You know, I was thinking...

What? You gonna get

all weepy on my again?

No. I was gonna suggest that you

spray some deodoriser on the corpse

because she's smelling pretty ripe.

Ugh! Good idea.

Excuse me, miss.

You gonna throw all that stuff out?

Yeah.

Could I have

one of them pictures of Bull?

Maybe his Purple Heart?

I mean, he was pretty proud of that.

And maybe

that tin of chocolates there.

I suppose.

'The revealing of her panties

wasn't intentional or unintentional.

'She just didn't give a damn.

'She saw me as so physically

and sexually non-threatening,

'she didn't mind

if I got a bird's-eye view of her love nest.

'It was the same to her

as a house cat sneaking a peek.

'I felt my pecker flutter once,

like a pigeon having a heart attack,

'then lay back down

and remain limp and still.

'Course, these days,

even a flutter was reassuring.'

Thank you.

Say, er...

- Bull your kin?

- My daddy.

Never seen you here before.

I've only been here once before -

when I checked him in.

That was three years ago, wasn't it?

You and him friends?

No. He never felt good enough

to say much.

I just hated to see

what was left of him go away so easy.

Seemed like an all right guy.

Mentioned you a lot.

You're Callie, right?

Yeah. Well, he was all right.

But not enough to come see him?

Don't lay some guilt trip on me.

I did what I could.

If it hadn't been for Medicaid or Medicare

or whatever, he'd have been in a ditch.

I sure didn't have the money

to take care of him.

'My own daughter -

lost long ago to me.

'If she knew I lived, would she come

and see me? Would she even care? '

You could have come and seen him.

They don't charge for that.

Mind your own business.

I was busy.

Well, well, well,

if it isn't my favourite patient?

How are you, Mr Haff?

I'm all right,

but I prefer "Mr Presley" or "Elvis".

I keep telling you that.

I don't go by Sebastian Haff any more.

- I'm not trying to hide any more.

- I knew that, but I forgot.

Good morning, Elvis.

Did you know we have a celebrity here,

Miss Thomas?

Elvis Presley - the rock and roll singer.

I thought he was dead.

Well, Elvis is dead.

Mr Haff knows that, don't you?

Hell, no. I'm right here. I ain't dead... yet.

Now, Mr Haff! I don't mind calling you Elvis,

but you're a little confused

and you like to play.

You were an Elvis impersonator,

remember?

You fell off the stage and broke your hip.

When was it? 20 years ago.

It got infected and you were

in a coma for quite a while.

You came out with a few "problems".

I was just impersonating myseIf.

I couldn't do nothing else.

I don't have any problems.

Are you trying to say my brain's messed up?

Why would you wanna be

somebody else?

I got tired of it.

I was hooked on pills, you know?

I wanted out.

This boy, Sebastian Haff, he was

an Elvis imitator - he was the best of 'em.

He took my place.

The problem is he had a bad heart.

He liked drugs too - more than I did -

so it was him that died, not me.

I just took his place.

'Why would you want

to leave all that fame, Mr Presley?

'All that money? '

'I don't know. Cos I got old.

'The women I loved, Priscilla, she was gone.

'The rest of the women were just women.

'I mean, the music wasn't mine any more.

'I wasn't even me any more,

just this thing they'd made up.

'And my friends...

'Well, they were sucking me dry.

'So I took a little road trip

down to Nacogdoches

'to check out this Sebastian Haff.'

It's all right, boys. Just wait here.

Oh, my God!

I didn't think you'd really...

It's all right, boys. Just another freak.

Let's split.

- Whoa!

- Sorry, man.

- I got it, I got it.

- It's all yours, baby.

'So I signed everything

over to Sebastian.

'Except for enough money to sustain me

if things got bad.

'I was determined

to make myseIf a new life.

'A better one.

'For me and Sebastian,

we had us a deal.

'If I wanted to trade back, he'd let me.

'It was all written up in the contract.

'The thing was, I lost my copy

in a barbecue accident.

'But that wasn't so bad. I was making

new friends and enjoying myseIf.'

Cheers!

Oh, my! Did you see that thing?

Just standing here!

It just went up like that.

'Now, Elvis... '

Yes...

Don't carry it too far.

You may just get way out there

and not come back.

Oh, f*** you.

Sh*t. Get old, you can't even cuss

someone and have it bother 'em.

Everything you do is either worthless

or sadly amusing.

Well...

I've got what I want.

- The clothes can go to Goodwill.

- Very well.

And I'm sorry about your father.

He was a nice man.

Yeah.

Nice to meet you, Mr Presley.

- Get the hell out.

- Now, now.

I'll be back later to do that little... thing

that has to be done. You know.

- Elvis!

- Ssh!

Poor Bull.

In the end, does anything really matter?

'No one here ever listened to me.

'Except this one guy -

only he was certifiable.'

That's where they took

a piece of my brain.

They got it back in DC in that goddamn jar.

I got a little bag of sand up there now.

Jack, no offence, but...

President Kennedy was a white man.

That's how clever they are.

They dyed me this colour, all over.

Can you think

of a better way to hide the truth than that?

'I was living simple... the way Haff had been.

'Going from town to town

doing the Elvis act.

'I felt like I was really me again.'

- Can you dig that?

- We're digging it, Mr Haff.

Mr Presley. Mr Presley.

'Women threw themselves at me

because they could imagine I was Elvis.

'Only I was Elvis -

playing Sebastian Haff playing Elvis.

'It was good. I didn't mind

the contract being burnt.

'I didn't even try to convince anybody.

'Then I had the accident.

'I was gyrating and my hip went out.'

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