Bubba Ho-Tep Page #2

- Oh-h!

'I'd been having trouble with it.'

Damn, it's cold in here.

No way. That's it. This time I'll make it.

No more piss or crap in the bed.

Whoa!

Man!

That is one big b*tch cockroach.

Oh!

All right, man. Let's go.

Damn.

Hot damn!

Got you, you six-legged bastard.

Where...

Even a big b*tch cockroach like you

should know...

never, never f*** with the King.

Oh-hh!

Hey! Is anybody out here?

I think we got some major

bug problems in this place, man.

Oh, man.

Jack?

Jack? Hey, man, you OK?

What the Sam Hill is that?

Mr Kennedy?

Hey, man. You're on the floor.

No sh*t? Who are you?

Look, I'm...

Sebastian. Sebastian Haff.

Did you see him go by in the hall?

- He scuttled, like.

- Who, man?

The one they sent.

- Who's they?

- Oh, you know who.

No, Jack, I don't. Come on, man.

Lyndon Johnson. Castro, maybe.

They sent somebody to finish me off.

I think maybe it was Johnson himseIf.

Real ugly. Real goddamn ugly!

Hey, look, man. President Johnson's dead.

Sh*t. That ain't gonna stop him.

Go to sleep.

So you say you heard a... a noise?

Yeah. I followed a sound.

I heard something. It was like a...

I don't know. Like a... like a scuttling.

- A scuttling sound?

- Yes, sir.

Were you awake or were you in bed

when you heard this noise?

I was in bed first, then I was awake

co the damn bugs woke me up.

You got bugs all over this place.

Bugs. Well, Mr Haff, what kind of bugs

have you been seeing?

Do I look like an icky-ologist to you?

Big damn bugs. The size of my fist,

of a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

What do I care?

I got a growth on my pecker.

OK, Mr Haff. Don't worry about a thing.

We'll call the exterminator tomorrow

and take care of it.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

It's time for that little thing again.

'A doll like this handling me

without warmth or emotion.

'20 years ago - just 20, man -

'I could have made with the curly-lipped

smile and had her eating outta my a**hole.'

Doctor says this cream

ought to do the trick.

Corticosteroids.

Should heal the inflammation. Stop the pus.

'Where did my youth go?

'Why didn't fame

hold off old age and death?

'Why the hell did I leave the fame?

'Do I want it back

and could I have it, and if I could,

'would it make any damn difference? '

Mr Haff!

Huh?

'Lord almighty.'

You old rascal.

I think you'd better

take a cold shower, Mr Haff.

'There had been two presidential

elections since I had a boner like that one.

'What gave here?

Then I realised what gave.

'I was thinking about something

that interested me -

'not my next meal or going to the crapper.

'I'd been given a dose of life again.'

You get in there with me,

I'll take a shower.

You silly thing.

Come on, now.

Why don't you pull on it a little?

You ought to be ashamed.

Whe-he. Whe-he.

It's an ambush.

Under the bridge.

I saw him under the bridge.

It's an ambush! Tonto. My boots, Tonto.

'That's my friend, Kemosabe.

We used to play cards together.

- My boots!

- 'Now he doesn't know who I am.'

Daddy.

Baby?

- Sebastian. Sebastian. It's loose.

- What's loose?

Lt. Listen.

Jesus Christ. What's that?

I thought it was Lyndon Johnson,

but I was wrong.

I've come across new evidence

to suggest another assassin.

Assassin?

He's after another target tonight.

Come on, I want to show you something.

I don't think it's safe to go to sleep.

For Christ's sake. Tell the administrators.

Suits and white starches?

No, thank you!

I trusted them in Dallas and look

where that got my brain and me.

I'm thinking with sand here.

I pick up some waves maybe

from my brain,

but someday, somebody might just

disconnect the battery at the White House.

Oh, yeah. That's something

to worry about, all right.

Listen here. Listen. I know you're Elvis.

There was a rumour,

you know, that you hated me.

But I thought about that.

If you hated me, you could have

finished me off the other night.

All I want from you is that

you look me straight in the eye

and assure me you had nothing at all

to do with that day in Dallas,

and that you did not know

Lee Harvey Oswald or Jack Ruby.

Hey, look, man.

I had nothing to do with Dallas

and I knew neither

Lee Harvey Oswald nor Jack Ruby.

Good. May I call you Elvis

instead of Sebastian?

- You may.

- Excellent.

- You wear glasses to read?

- I wear glasses when I want to see.

Get 'em, but come on.

Come on. Right down the hall.

'The walker was swinging along easier

tonight. Not even like I needed it.

'Damn, this here Jack was a nut.

'Maybe I was nuts too,

but there was an adventure going on.'

It's in here.

In here.

That's it?

We're trying to figure out

who attacked you

and you bring me to look

at stick pictures on the shithouse wall?

Look close.

- It's Egyptian.

- Right.

Hey, you're not as stupid

as some folks made you out.

Thank you.

I copied this down yesterday.

I came in to take a sh*t because

they hadn't cleaned my bathroom,

saw that on the wall,

took it back to my room,

and looked it up in my books.

This top line translates roughly into,

"Pharaoh gobbles donkey goobers"

and the bottom line,

"Cleopatra does the nasty".

- Say what?

- That's the best I can translate it.

So one of the nuts in here,

present company excluded,

thinks he's Tutankhamen,

writes hieroglyphics on the wall?

What's the connection?

Why are we standing in a toilet?

I don't know what the connection is,

exactly. Not yet.

But that thing caught me asleep last

night and I came awake just in time.

He had me on the floor

and had his mouth over my a**hole.

- A sh*t-eater?

- I don't think so.

He was after my soul.

You can get it out of any major orifice

of a person's body. I read about it.

Where, man? Hustler?

The Everyday Man Or Woman's Book

Of The Soul by David Webb.

They got some pretty good movie reviews

in there about stolen soul movies.

Come on. I'll show you.

Oh!

I think there might be an electrical

problem in the gardener's shed.

The light looks like it's shorting out.

The whole place is falling apart,

but you don't have to think about that.

Miss Biddlestein is waiting on her enema.

All right, all right. I'm coming.

Just let me finish my cigarette first.

God!

There's an ugly son of a b*tch.

Damn! Hey, Jack.

It says here that you can bury some dude

and if he gets the right spells said

over him and such bullshit,

he can come back to life

thousands of years later.

But hold on now.

To stay alive, he has to suck

on the souls of the living

and if the souls are small,

his life force doesn't last long.

Small? What does that mean?

Read on. No, never mind.

I'll tell you myseIf.

But first, would you like a Ding Dong?

I don't mean mine.

I mean a chocolate Ding Dong.

Course, mine would be chocolate

now that I have been dyed.

- You got Ding Dongs, man?

- Mm.

- I got Paydays and a box of Baby Ruths.

- Oh, mama.

Which will it be? Let's get decadent.

- I'll take a Baby Ruth.

- Mm.

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