Bubba Ho-Tep Page #4

Hey, you're copying my best lines.

And let me paraphrase one of my own.

"Let's take care of business."

Just what are you getting at, Elvis?

You know what I'm getting at, Mr President.

We're gonna kill us a mummy.

Two bottles of rubbing alcohol.

Check.

Don't even have to toss 'em. Look here.

Found this in the storage room.

- I thought they kept it locked.

- They do.

- I stole a hairpin and picked the lock, baby.

- Great.

Matches.

Check. I even scrounged up

a cigarette lighter.

Good. Uniform.

Big check on that, baby.

Well...

I got a nice pair of shoes

to go with this.

Check.

- Scissors.

- Check.

Right. Now...

I got my chair oiled and ready to roll.

That's good.

We could use some wheels.

And I picked some words of power

from my book of magic.

I don't know if they'll stop a mummy,

but they ward off evil.

I wrote 'em down. One for each of us.

Well, we use what we got, baby.

All right,

now. At 2:
45am we hook up back here.

At the rate we travel,

maybe we ought to start at 2.30.

Mm.

- Say, Jack?

- Mm.

Do we know

what the hell we're doing, man?

No. But they say that fire cleanses evil.

Let's just hope that they,

whoever they are, is right.

Check on that too.

All right, synchronise watches.

And...

Mark.

The two key words for tonight

are "caution" and "flammable".

And also "Watch your ass".

What's that around your neck?

My medicine bag.

Indians used to wear them into battle.

It's got all kinds of lucky stuff.

See here? Mucho mojo.

That's my daughter.

I know.

We weren't there for our kids

when they needed us, were we?

Man, if I could just talk to her again,

tell her I love her.

Try and make things right somehow.

No time for regrets, Elvis.

We were the best fathers

we could be under the circumstances.

Yeah, I guess. No time for regrets.

We got business to take care of.

Look here. Top it up with this.

I stole it from the gardener

when he wasn't looking.

It's gonna be one hell of a barbecue.

Let's do it, amigo.

Jack?

I've just got one last question.

Marilyn.

Oh, come on, man. Marilyn Monroe.

What's she like in the sack?

That is classified information. Top secret.

But, between you and me...

Wow!

You old dog. Watch your back, Jack.

Oh. Time to hop it.

'Sh*t.

'Bubba Ho-tep comes out that creek bed,

he's gonna be hungry and pissed.

'When I try and stop him, he's gonna jam

this paint can up my ass

'and jam me

and that wheelchair up Jack's ass.'

Oh, sh*t!

Hey, Jack.

Don't make me fuss up on you, baby.

Aaah!

Damn! Where did he go to?

Hey! You stay put! I'll flush him out.

You be careful, man.

Oh! No, Jack!

Oh!

No! No!

Come and get it,

you undead sack of sh*t.

Sorry, man.

Mr Kennedy?

The President is soon dead.

So now it's up to you, Elvis.

You got to get him. You...

gotta take care of business.

That's right, man.

TCB.

It's just you and me.

Mr President.

"You nasty thing from beyond the dead...

"No matter what you think or do,

good things will never come to you.

"And if evil is your black design,

"you can bet the goodness of the light ones

"will kick your bad... behind?"

Christ! That's it?

That's the chant against evil

from The Book Of Souls?

And what kind of decoder ring

comes with that, man?

Sh*t! It don't even rhyme well.

This is dog sh*t.

It's time for A-C-T-I-O-N.

Here we go. Whoo! Yee-ha!

'I was going out.

'If I did, not only would I be one dead

son of a b*tch, but so would my soul.

'I'd just be so much crap.

'No afterlife, no reincarnation,

no angels with harps.

'Whatever lay beyond

would not be known to me.

'It would all end right here

for Elvis Aaron Presley.

'Nothing left but a quick flush.'

TCB, baby.

Your soul-sucking days are over, amigo.

'I felt something inside

grating against something soft.

'I felt like a water balloon

with a hole poked in it.

'I was going down for the last count

and I knew it.'

But I still have my soul.

It's still mine. All mine.

The folks up there in Shady Rest...

they have theirs too.

And they're gonna keep 'em.

Every single one.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

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