Buck Privates Come Home Page #2

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and I always do what you tell me.

Oh, you do? Didn't I tell you not to bring...

Hey, here comes the old man.

'Tention.

What was that?

Thunder.

Maybe we'll get rain.

Now we'll get hail.

Close that porthole and keep it closed.

Take over, Sergeant. I'll be back

as soon as I've changed my blouse.

Yes, sir.

Ow. Ow, ow, ooo.

All right,

you guys.

Get outta my way.

Break out your gear for

inspection... everything.

Brown.

After six long years, I can read

that baby face of yours like a book.

Now, you're up to something.

Gimme that bag.

No, no, no.

Ow..

What's that?

I don't know. Open it up. Give me the bag.

That's an order,

Brown.

Slicker.

Turn around the other

way. What's the matter?

The other way.

The other way, Herbie.

Evey.

Hi, Sarge.

Hello, fellas.

Hi, Evey.

This is one thing I know nothing about.

Tell the sergeant who put you in the bag.

You did,

Uncle Herbie.

This does it.

Brown, I told you to leave this kid in France.

I just couldn't stay behind

with Uncle Herbie gone.

Besides, she had no place to go or

no one to go to... but Slicker and me.

We've been just like a

mama and papa to her.

Leave me out of this.

- Okay, Papa.

There's no use arguing.

It's against regulations.

I gotta report it.

If you do they'll send her back and

she'll have to go to an orphan asylum.

That's a rap you wouldn't

want on your conscience.

How 'bout pretending you

didn't see her? Oh, sure, sure.

And lose my stripes for it? Then what?

You might become a

regular guy. Who said that?

I did.

I did.

Look, fellas, I don't make the

rules, but I gotta carry 'em out.

I must report Evey.

I know I don't know my

right foot from my left,

but I do know right from wrong.

And if you send Evey back, that's wrong.

Herbie, let the sergeant do his duty.

After all, back in the States

we're just a couple of...

Look, let's face facts.

Even if we get the kid through,

we're not used to any responsibility.

Where do we go from there?

What about Uncle Herbie's

tie business on Times Square?

The one where he hires you

to sweep the floor?

Hires me?

- Yes.

He also paid Sgt. Collins

to be the night watchman.

What have you been telling this

kid, you miserable goldbrick?

You oughta be ashamed of yourself

talking to Uncle Herbie that way...

...after all the times he saved your life.

He what?

Sarge, if you touch Uncle

Herbie, I don't know what I'll do.

Oh, I know.

I'll tell the captain.

You'll tell the captain what?

How you brought me on board...

...and how you hid me in Pvt. Brown's bag.

Sure, sure. How I brought you on board.

How I hid you in Brown's bag.

I wouldn't brag about it. You know that

aiding a stowaway is against regulations.

That's just what I was telling

them. Then why did you do it?

I didn't do it. It was him.

I heard you say you did.

Blaming an innocent man won't help.

Bring that child to my

stateroom immediately. Yes, sir.

Brown? Yes, sir. I'll go with you.

You'll answer to me for this, and

that goes for the rest of you guys.

Bye, Uncle Herbie.

I'm sorry I got you fellas into this mess.

Slicker, I didn't mean

to get you into trouble.

I...

Look, if it'll make you feel any

better, slap me right in the face.

Right here in this face. Go away from me.

Go ahead. It'll make me

feel better if you slap me.

I told you to go away from me.

This is the only thing I've

ever asked you to do for me.

Slap me in the face...

right there.

And I had to coax him for it.

Ouch.

No matter who's responsible

for bringing her aboard,

I see no other course but to turn her

over to the immigration officials...

...and have her sent back on

the next boat. Yes, sir.

Lt. Hunter, will you take care of the

child during the rest of the voyage?

Certainly.

My name is Sylvia Hunter. Would

you like to share my stateroom?

I'd rather stay with Uncle Herbie.

Of course you would. But being a

company mascot, you know the army.

Regulations are regulations.

Okay, but if we lived up to all the

regulations handed down by the brass,

we'd have lost the war.

Who did you hear say that? Sgt. Collins.

Uh, is that all, sir? Not quite.

I have approval to give

a company party for the men.

You pitch in and give

the mess officer a hand.

Yes, sir.

The captain wants to get the party

started on time, so snap to it.

Yes, sir.

Brown, Smith.

Yes, sir. Get that stuff out of the way.

You and Brown set up...

Where's Brown? Okay, Sarge.

Brown.

Yes?

Brown?

Yes, sir.

Where is that...

Brown.

What do you want?

Come here.

Where is he? He's looking for you in there.

Where is that imbecile?

I can't find him. Didn't I always

tell you that he was a dope?

Didn't I?

Right?

Brown?

Sergeant,

did you call me?

What do you think?

How's Evey? Evey's all right.

And so's anybody else who

stays away from you guys.

Get busy and set up that buffet table.

Snap to it.

Ooo-ooo-ooh.

'Oh' what?

Okay.

Get that thing out of here. I'll get

this sawhorse. You mean sea horse.

Sawhorse. Sea horse. We're on

a boat. Oh, Slicker, tsk, tsk.

Oh, go ahead.

Come on. Give me a hand with this table.

Don't drop it.

Pick it up. Attaboy.

Is it too heavy?

No.

Swing it around.

Attaboy. That's swell.

Get that tablecloth over there. Hurry up.

Come on, throw it over the table. Huh?

Throw it over the table. What are

you doing? Throwing it over the table.

Go get that tablecloth.

All right.

Come on. Get it up here. You take that end.

Herbie, when they serve the food,

don't reach for it. Ask for it.

Ask for it? You have a tongue, haven't you?

Yes, but I can reach

much further with my hands.

Go get the silverware.

Hurry up.

C'mon,

snap into it.

Get the turkey. You're

worse than the sarge.

Get with it.

Look, put it over in the center

here. You know, dress it up.

Take the bread. Now

you're doin' something.

Yeah, mama's little helper. You're all right.

Now let's see...

the cake.

You take the cake. Stop. Don't

touch it. That cake's for the boys.

And don't drop it. Be

careful. Is it too heavy?

It's all right.

What did I tell you?

Didn't I tell you to stay outta that cake?

I don't understand it. Don't

tell me what you understand.

I told you it was for the boys, didn't I?

Wipe your mouth off.

It's on your chin, nose...

I...

Oh, you went at it again,

huh? Get outta there.

I told you not to touch that cake. I didn't.

Get that silverware around

the table. Spread it around.

I might as well shave.

Spread that silverware.

Look where you put the cake...

on the edge of the table.

Slicker.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Stingy.

Get that fruit bowl.

Well, I don't...

Get the fruit bowl.

Put it on the table.

Put it on there.

Don't drop it.

Put it down there.

'Tention.

Collins.

Miss Sylvia, won't I get to

see Uncle Herbie before I go?

Those are the orders,

Evey.

I'm sure he'd have been here if he could

but we have to leave before the men.

If they'd only give him time,

he'd fix everything.

He's the smartest man in the outfit. He is?

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