Buck Privates Come Home Page #3

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Sgt. Collins said nobody

could teach him anything.

You really love Uncle

Herbie, don't you? Mmm-hmm.

I'd marry him if I was

bigger and he was littler.

Are you married?

No, I almost was,

but everybody isn't as

perfect as your Uncle Herbie.

Come in.

Lt. Hunter, this is Mrs. Edwards

from the immigration office.

She'll take charge of the

little girl. Thank you.

How do you do?

How do you do?

If I give you my address,

will you write me? Of course.

And will you try to find

Uncle Herbie in Times Square...

...and let him read the letter?

I will, Evey.

Here. Take extra good

care of her. Yes, I will.

Come along, Evey.

Good-bye, Aunt Sylvia. Bye, Evey.

We're goin'home we're goin'home

On deck, men.

We're goin' ashore.

Just as soon as we're ashore

there'll be folks that we adore

To welcome us back and give us a

smack that's what we've waited for

We're goin' home we're goin' home

What comes after this medical exam?

You're a civilian, bud.

What's a civilian?

That's the guy that tells you about the...

...grand times he had

when he was in the army.

When they get you in the army, they

rush you to bed and then to get up.

They rush you here. They rush you

there. They rush you everywhere.

And when it's time for you to get

out, everybody takes their time.

Stop griping.

Stop griping?

Sgt. Collins, you and me

got a score to settle.

When you were a cop, if I hit

you it was resisting an officer.

If I hit you when you're a

sergeant, it's insubordination.

But when you and me go out that

front gate, we're civilians.

Then what? I'll forget

about the whole thing.

Ahh.

I guess I scared him.

Look at those lucky guys over there,

gettin' out today. And we're just goin' in.

Hey, Slicker?

What's the matter now?

I think I got a way of

beatin' all this red tape.

Ten... this is a shorter

line. I'll get out quicker.

All right, boys.

Take your shirts off.

Off with the shirts...

everybody.

What's your hurry, bud?

Keep your shirt on. You

told me to take my shirt off.

Keep your shirt on taking your shirt off.

How can I keep my shirt on

taking my shirt off?

Is your name Abbott?

Abbott?

Inside, rookie.

Rookie.

Silly boy.

Y... ou.

Let's go, pal.

Wait a minute.

Uh-oh.

Wait a minute.

Listen, that's not for me. No?

Ow, ow, ow.

I just got through telling

you that's not for me.

Now, look, Sergeant...

uh-uh, caught you that time.

Oh-ooo-ooo. Wait, I just told those two...

Now, enough is enough.

If you guys wanna do needlepoint,

work on a chair cover.

It hurts.

Let's go.

Gentlemen, I don't want to be stuck

here the rest of the afternoon.

How much longer is this going

to go on? This is the end.

Silly boy.

Herbie.

Herbie.

Don't let 'em do it to you.

Herbie, don't let 'em do it.

It's too late. This man is being separated.

Separated? I've just been shot to pieces.

Herbie. All right,

take it easy.

See what you did to me? All right, Herbie.

I know. Slicker'll take care of you.

What they've done to me. I know, I know.

Ooo-ooo-ooo.

Ow, ow, ow.

Slicker.

Go on.

Hello, Mr. Drew.

How do you do?

This is the French girl who's

going back on this afternoon's boat.

Oh, yes. I have all her papers right here.

Will you explain to her that she has to

wait in the next room until boat time?

Racontez-le que je parle anglais.

What'd she say?

- She says to tell you she speaks English.

Come along, dear. You wait

in here. Be a good girl.

Sorry I'm late, Drew.

Anything doing?

One case... you'll find

the papers on the desk.

I'll look through them in a few minutes.

What are you doing in here? What am I...

You kids have been told time and

time again not to play ball out there.

But nobody ever told me because

I... Never mind about that.

Don't you know you can

get in trouble going...

...around smashing up

government property?

I'm sorry.

Well, guess I'd better be going now.

Not that way. Out the front way with you.

Come on.

More trouble with you kids.

Don't let me catch you around here again.

Thank you.

You won't.

That kid.

Step right up.

Today and today only, I am

selling $15 ties for 35 cents.

Pure silk.

It wears like iron.

My merchandise speaks for itself.

Far be it from me to resort

to the power of suggestion.

I'll go you one better.

I will demonstrate.

If some kind gentleman will

step forward, anyone at all.

Thank you and thank you. You're welcome.

Hello. Thank you,

stranger, for stepping up.

Stranger? Why, Slicker... Yes, yes.

Everything is going to be all right.

I want to prove that I can hypnotize

each one of you and sell you my ties.

But far be it from me to do anything

dishonest. Keep your eye on me.

Look into my eyes.

Just stand still.

I'm going to put you to sleep. To sleep?

I just got up.

That's all right.

It's gonna be a short

day. Look into my eyes.

You tell me when you get sleepy.

Tell me when you get

drowsy. When I get what?

Drowsy. Take it easy now. Oh, drowsy.

Please, pay attention to the professor.

Stand still.

There we are.

Ohhh-psst.

Look, I mean, after all,

that's not nice.

Put me to sleep but don't go...

That's not a bit nice. Will you...

Stand still, please.

Hold still a minute.

Psst.

There he goes again.

Will you stand still?

That's not nice in the face.

I don't go for that.

Don't do it again. Do as

I tell you. Stand still.

Sell the ties nice but don't go like that.

Psst.

Just a minute,

please.

What's the matter with

you? Quiet. Don't do that.

There he's going.

There he's going.

There you are. The boy is now in a

state of coma, cannot utter a word.

Am I right?

Right.

Gentlemen,

I want to prove to you...

...these ties are absolutely wrinkle proof.

I have here three ties,

securely knotted together.

Feel that knot.

Feel that.

Now I'm gonna take... loan me

your hat a minute. What for?

I wanna do a trick.

Not in my hat.

Hold on to it.

I'm not gonna harm your hat.

I'm gonna throw these ties,

securely knotted, into the hat.

If any of those ties come out

of that hat with a wrinkle in it,

I'll make you a present of it.

Hocus-pocus,

alacazam.

And here we have tie number one.

Here we have tie number two.

And here we have tie number

three without a wrinkle in 'em.

I'll take three. Now you're talking sense.

What am I gonna do with

these? It's a racket.

Who's the officer in here? I am.

There's a couple of phony tie

fellas taking us for our dough.

Is one of'em a tall, skinny guy and the

other a short squirt with a baby face?

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, no.

It couldn't be.

It couldn't happen to me,

not on the first day back on my old beat.

But if it is...

Stand aside, everybody.

Stand aside, everybody.

So, it is you guys.

Sarge. Somebody hit you in

the face with a cake again?

You had us scared. We thought

you were back on the police force.

Slicker, he is.

Come on.

Come back here. Leave Uncle Herbie alone.

Evey. Evey.

Hey, head for the subway.

Are you all right? No.

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