Buck Wild Page #2

---

Okay, well, uh,

th-that's cool.

Get off the phone!

I have another call coming in.

I hope you and the boys are having

fun on your little camping trip.

Uh, hunting trip.

Uh-huh. Okay.

I got to go.

O-okay. I love you.

Get off the phone, b*tch!

Sh*t.

Hey, you got a minute?

Sure, buddy. What's up?

Well, uh...

You see, it's...

Lance.

Hey, you know

what your problem is?

You're worried

about them other guys.

Don't you fret, little buddy.

This is gonna be one hell of a trip.

I mean not as good as

the one I had planned last year

but a close second or third.

Top 5... 10.

Thanks.

You see

th-th-that's not really it.

Um, wh-what I

wanted to say...

Whoo!

There she is! Hold on.

Hey.

Oh, no, I'm doing just fine.

Oh, no, we'll get you

to the church on time,

don't you worry.

Isn't this great?

So peaceful.

Just us friends, eating meat...

...sharpening knives...

...gathered

around an open fire.

You know, I know some of you

would've liked to have

gone someplace else,

but, um...

It feels good having

you guys out here with me.

Well, we're glad to be

out here with you, too, buddy.

Even though the drive

was a little inconvenient,

but definitely

a top-10 trip.

We've only taken

five or six trips, Lance.

Shut up, tom.

Hey, guys,

I have a little announcement

I want to make.

Lance?

Just a sec.

Okay.

Um, I've been saving up

for quite some time now,

and, uh, well,

come Monday morning...

Oh! Made yourself

a little friend did ya, buddy?

What the hell is that?!

I don't know. I strangled it

over by the trash.

Get that away from me, Lance.

Well, this is...

this is outrageous!

Oh, come on, tom.

Stop being a little queer.

You know what? I think I'm...

I'm just gonna go to bed.

Okay, all right.

I'm sorry, boss.

It was just a joke.

Come on, don't go.

No, I'm a little tired

from the drive.

Sit down!

Drink it!

I'm sorry, boss.

Proceed with

what you were sayin'.

Right.

Uh, yeah, okay,

um, before the whole...

Dead animal thing, um,

I was actually gonna

tell you guys

uh, that, well...

I'm gonna ask Carla to marry me.

I'm sorry, Jerry.

My bad.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah, Lance, I...

I'm gonna ask Carla to marry me.

That's beautiful, boss.

Wow.

Well, congrats, man. Wow.

You guys are just

perfect for each other...

just... just perfect.

Thanks, Lance.

You know you're

the best man right?

Uh-huh.

Sure thing, partner. Yeah.

Well, uh... Mm.

You know,

I think I'm gonna hit the hay.

Yeah, I'm not much of

a morning person

and I know

we're getting up early, so...

Really?

Yeah, no, I-I'll see you guys

tomorrow...

in the morning.

Well, all right, buddy.

Good night.

Sleep tight.

Tom, is Lance all right?

Yep. Fine.

Tom?

Look, I don't know

if this is true or not,

but it's really been

killing me lately,

and I-I hate to say this

because what if I'm wrong,

but then again

I think I'm right.

But then again...

tom.

I think Lance is

having an affair with Carla.

What?!

Oh, boy.

Shh!

What are you talking about, tom?

Okay, remember...

remember when I came by

a few months ago

to drop those DVDs off...

there were several.

And by the way, "love actually"

is a great movie.

Tom!

Sorry, um, well...

You weren't home yet,

but... He was.

So? Lance comes over

all the time.

Lance and Carla

are good friends.

Th-that...

that's too far away.

Th-that could be anybody.

That could be anybody.

Really, tom? Huh?

You're gonna come at me

with this garbage?

No, not cool.

Not cool, tom!

I'm sorry, Craig.

Yeah, I...

I'm going to bed.

Did you really

strangle that thing?

Hey!

Everything all right in here, boss?

Yeah.

Nietzsche once said,

"love is a state in which

a man sees things

most decidedly

as they are not."

Thanks.

What that means

is that women are crazy.

You can't allow them

to twist your reality.

I mean, you've been with this

broad for what, a year?

Maybe two?

Am I right?

Six years actually.

Six years?!

Really?

Yeah.

All right, so you've been

with this chick for six years

and she's out

bangin' some other guy,

givin' it to him every night

and then crawling home to you

where you got to

pick up the sloppy seconds.

The worst part about that

is you don't even know

you're getting sloppy seconds.

Man, I tell you,

that's like when somebody

puts a hair in your food

or spits in your iced tea.

All right, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Nothing happened, okay?

I don't want to

talk anymore about it.

Look, I know

you're trying to help,

but... I'm fine.

Aah.

Hey, Craig,

need anything to help you sleep?

I got a little something

that'll knock you right out.

I'm sure you do, Jerry.

Hey, Craig,

thanks for invitin' me along.

Sure.

Good night.

Hey. Candy?

Come out.

Come out, come out,

wherever you are.

Candy?

Candy, is that you?

What the hell?

Do me, Lance.

Okeydokey.

Hey.

Careful now.

Easy now. Easy.

There's plenty of Lance to go around.

Hey, is everything all right?

C-candy?

Wow.

So, you want to play rough, huh?

Wow.

Too rough!

Man.

Wow. Yeah.

Ooh! Oh.

I-is that blood?

Do me, Lance!

Oh, my God!

A-are you okay?

You look sick.

It's just the sniffles.

Do me, Lance!

Yeah, look,

I should probably just go.

Big day tomorrow.

You know how it goes.

Look, now, uh, I'm no germ freak

but you look like you might be

coming down with something.

M-my health insurance

just lapsed.

Health insurance?

I'm in between jobs

at the moment.

Do me, Lance!

Hey, you know, I think

I've got some cough syrup

back at the...

back at the old cabin.

I'll just...

I'll just go grab you some.

Don't you want a piece of candy?

Yeah.

Sh*t!

Wha-cha!

Hoo!

What are you doing, Jerry?

Training.

Could you maybe train

with a pair of pants on, huh?

I wouldn't want Clyde

to come by...

or anyone else, for that matter.

Clothes are too confining, boss.

They interfere with the

spiritual alignment of the body.

I tell you,

if it weren't illegal,

I'd be naked all the time.

Yeah, well it is illegal, okay?

Even way out here.

Almost done here, boss.

How'd you sleep?

Good.

Uh, good. Good sleep.

You know...

...I was thinkin' a lot

about last night, you know.

Then I started thinking about how

you've been so good to me lately

and how I'd like to, uh...

Like to do something...

a little something nice for you.

That's all right, Jerry.

Putting on pants is good enough.

No, no, no, no.

We're cousins...

family.

So I was thinking about it.

If you want me to,

I can take care of this for you.

Take care of what, Jerry?

Look, you're a good man.

You're a damn good man.

You deserve respect.

But I can see that you're...

A little sensitive,

a little weak.

But that's okay.

So, if you want me to,

I can take care of this for you.

Look, huntin' accidents

happen all the time, boss.

I can do it real quick.

Lance won't feel a thing.

No! No! Jerry! Jerry!

Boom!

Jerry, thank you, all right?

Thank you, but it's not

a good idea, all right?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes