Buck Wild Page #3

---

At all. At all.

All right, boss.

Oh, you know,

y-y-you're such a good guy.

Wow.

Oh, hey, tom!

Jerry, do you mind?

I usually just

go shopping with my cousins.

Yeah, you would, Mary.

Whatever.

Has anyone seen Lance?

He's not inside?

Nope.

That's weird.

Maybe he went out already.

Let's go, huh?

Deer blinds.

10 minutes.

Put some pants on!

Morning

morning to the other side

side waiting to see the

What?

When nature calls, I say hello.

I'll just hold it.

It ain't good to hold it in.

All right, load up!

Stop!

Is nature calling?

Stop the truck!

Here's good.

We're going to

the deer blinds, Jerry.

I don't like to

sit and hide in a blind

like some rat in a hole,

waiting for the onslaught.

No way.

I choose to

take the fight to them.

Offense, not defense, baby!

You do know

the deer don't have guns, right?

Remember what I told you, Jerry.

I-I-I don't need you to

take care of anything.

What?

What was that about?

Did you call Carla?

Please, tom, whisper.

We're hunting.

Did you call Carla?

No. I texted her.

And?

- She didn't text back.

- Yeah.

She's probably too busy

texting Lance.

Don't be an a**hole, tom.

Fine, but I want you to know

I wouldn't lie to you about

something like this, Craig.

I don't think you're lying.

I just... I don't think you

know what you saw, all right?

Lance wouldn't do that,

and neither would Carla.

Oh, no?

Well, Lance is a slut.

And you know what? Before the two of

you started dating, so was Carla.

You take that back, tom!

Why? You know it's true.

And you know I love Carla. She's the only

girl I know who could pull off a perm.

But let's face it.

Before the two of you started

dating she had a reputation.

Craig! No!

Shh!

Don't be an idiot, tom.

Sorry.

Your cousin has me on edge.

My face is breaking out all over the place.

I'm not built for this.

Are you gonna kill something?

Yes, dumbass.

It's called hunting,

not bird watching.

Fine.

Just let me know

so I can cover my ears.

And I like birds.

Oh, I know you do, tom.

Look, I'm not trying to

ruin your weekend

or screw up

your relationship with Carla.

But if you're gonna ask her to spend

the rest of her life with you,

I feel you should at least know.

If I'm wrong, then

we can laugh about it later.

But if I'm right,

you're gonna thank me

for helping you avoid one of

the biggest mistakes of...

A**hole!

Oh! Oh! Great.

Now my ears are ringing.

I better not have

permanent hearing damage.

Ow.

Are deer

supposed to sound like that?

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

What? What is it?

I shot Clyde!

What?!

Aah!

He's alive.

Help me.

Ohh!

Ew!

Clyde, can you hear me?

Look, I'm so, so sorry, sir.

Tom, help me.

Uh, I don't know.

What's wrong with him?

W-w-what do you mean

what's wrong? He's been shot!

Obviously, Craig! But is

all that supposed to happen?

Gee, tom,

I don't know, all right?

I've never shot anybody

before, okay?!

Well, you don't have to

get snippy!

I just don't know, okay?

I'm scared, all right?!

I'm just scared!

Tom, will you just calm down?

I need you to come over here.

Okay? We need to get him

into the back of the truck.

We're gonna take him

to the hospital, all right?

Oh, he smells like sh*t.

Lift with the legs, okay?

One, two, three.

We don't tell nobody about this.

Are you out of your mind?!

He is out of his mind!

And I told you that

from the beginning! I said it!

I said this guy

is gonna kill someone!

And now we're f***ed

because he's dead!

He's a f***ing dead man!

Now he's dead.

Aah!

Give me that!

Come on.

Oh!

I'm an accessory to murder!

That's it!

My life is over!

I'm going to jail

and it's fine for him...

he's probably

gonna end up there anyway!

Oh!

He's still movin'!

How many guns do you have?

Stop it, boss!

Come on, I got to put one in his head!

No! It's enough!

Aah!

Aah!

We don't have much time, boss!

What?

Clyde turned.

There will be others.

What the hell?

That's the same deer

I saw in my scope.

Did Clyde do that?

They'll come for us.

What?

Zombies.

Get ready, boys.

It's about to get buck wild.

Everyone get in the truck.

What are we gonna do?

Just get in the truck!

Oh, great.

Maybe he's seen Lance.

Lance is dead, baby.

What?!

Everyone shut up!

All right?

I'll handle this.

Good afternoon, officer.

You know,

I heard a bunch of shots

go off a minute ago.

Sounded like

bagh-f***ing-dad.

We ain't done nothin.

Sir, we...

sorry about that.

We... we just wanted to

make sure that, uh,

th-that we got him.

Yeah, I love this huntin' thing!

Well, you know,

you only got to put one in 'em,

as long as you

put it in the right spot.

Whew!

Did you tag 'im?

Tag 'im?

Did you tag 'im?

Did you put a damn tag

in your deer's ear

to make it legal, dipshit?

Oh! Oh, oh, d-did we...

did we tag him

t-to make it legal?

Oh, yeah.

No, no, sure, yeah.

No, we tagged him.

Yeah! Yeah! Tagged him twice

just to be sure.

Tagged it.

We ain't done nothin'.

Kindly step from

your vehicle, gentlemen.

Boys,

we got a little sayin' out here

goes a little somethin'

like this.

If somethin' stinks,

chances are you're probably

standin' in sh*t.

And guess what I smell, boys?

Sh*t?

Circle gets the f***ing square.

I smell sh*t.

Well, that's probably 'cause

you're standing in it.

Damn it!

Oh, you think

this is funny, huh?

Well, let me see your load!

Wait. Load?

Your damn deer!

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Don't you need, like,

a warrant or something?

Yeah! Yeah!

A search warrant!

I'm not checking for a bag of marijuana

here. I'm checking your load.

Now step aside, son.

O-okay, okay.

Uh, but th-there's

something you should know.

Playtime's over, dipshit.

Let's see what you got

under the tarp.

We ain't done nothin'.

What the hell are you doing?!

Our goose was cooked, boss.

I had no other choice.

You killed him?!

He killed him, Craig!

Easy, twinkle toes. He's just

gonna take a little siesta.

What happens

when he wakes up, Jerry, huh?

Have you thought of that?

Did you f***ing think of that?!

We'll be long gone by then,

or dead.

Just help me with his feet. Come on,

we got to get him back in his truck.

Do it yourself.

Where's the body?

I told you.

You got to destroy the brain.

Hey there, heartbreaker.

I can't

come to the phone right now.

I'm on

some bullshit camping trip.

But go ahead and leave a message

and I just might get back to you.

Lance, where the hell

are you, man, huh?

I need you to come back to

the lodge, okay? Like, asap!

We're in a lot of trouble.

I'll explain later...

at least, I think I can.

It's kind of weird.

I need you to come back

to the lodge, all right?

And also...

...I need to

ask you something.

Okay, it's something I heard.

I don't even think

you'd do something like this.

I don't even know

how to ask, but, uh...

Are you...

are you sleeping with Carla?

To erase and re-record, press "3."

Sh*t. To continue recording

where you left off, press "4."

At the tone, please...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes