Buck Wild Page #4

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Lance, uh, it's Craig.

Come back to the lodge asap.

Thank you.

Are you sure

you don't want to go with us?

And become an accessory

to any more murders?

No. I think

I'm fine on my own. Thanks.

All right, just meet us

back here in an hour.

And call us if you find him.

Thanks again

for the awesome weekend, Craig.

Top 10 for sure.

Damn it!

Whatcha see, boss?

Come on.

All right, wait here.

And put that away!

Are you sure, boss?

Yes.

Hello?

Lance?

Are you here, buddy?

Lance?

Hey!

Aah! Holy sh*t!

Sorry, boss.

I thought I told you to wait in the truck.

I couldn't let you go in alone.

I found Lance's jacket outside.

Do you have a light?

Where did you get...

never mind.

Hey...

I think we found your friend.

Lance, is that you, buddy?

What's wrong with him?

It kind of looks like

the guy you shot, huh, boss?

Wait. What do you...

what do you mean the guy I shot?

The old-timer... Clyde. No, I know

what you're talking about, all right,

and I accidentally

shot him, okay?

You're the one that

turned him into Swiss cheese!

I had to.

He was a zombie.

And he'd be dead right now if you

let me put one into his head.

Isn't any of this starting to

click with you, boss?

I mean, look at him.

That's no good.

Aah!

Still convinced

he ain't a zombie, boss?

Th-that's just stupid, all right?!

I mean, h-he's just sick.

You know the bug

that's going around.

Clyde!

Clyde probably gave it to him. Bug?

Oh, yeah, yeah, these are

definitely flu-like symptoms.

Look at him!

You want me to prove it to you?

No! No!

All right, then what do you

want to do with him, huh?

Take him to dinner?

Look at him!

We're gonna take him into town

to a hospital.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

We'll take the zombie

to the hospital,

and then he'll be back boning

your girlfriend in no time!

Be sure to tag 'im.

God, I really hate you.

Did you remember to

read him a bedtime story?

Don't you dare shoot him, Jerry.

I'll do what needs doin'

when the time comes.

That's the difference

between the two of us.

I can't believe

what you did last night.

I wouldn't tell anybody

if it was me.

Okay, guys.

You all be quiet.

You need to keep

those cucumbers to yourself.

Cucumbers.

You have to learn

how to put this stuff on.

Clyde?

Is that you?

Hey, Clyde.

Seen any chupacabras lately?

Tom?

Tom, are you here?

We found Lance!

All right,

where do you want him?

Bathroom.

Ah, sh*t.

All right.

Christ on a bike.

All right. Okay.

What?

This is pathetic.

What, Jerry? Huh?

That I help my friends out?

Look, I don't know how they

do it on the east coast, okay,

but down here we don't shoot our

friends when they get inconvenient.

This isn't "the godfather!"

Hey!

You're goddamn right this ain't

'cause Michael corleone would do

what he had to do, all right?

He killed his own brother

for the good of the family,

for God's sake!

Oh, yeah, and he

was wracked with guilt

for the third film, all right,

and never the same!

It was a despicable thing to do!

Enough!

I will not have you

talking about Michael this way

and the difficult decisions

that he had to make, all right?

He was a man!

A man!

He was a character

in a f***ing movie!

It's not just a f***ing movie!

It's a goddamn epic trilogy!

Yes, with one of the worst

endings in cinema history,

all right?

Andy Garcia?

Are you f***ing kidding me?!

Take it back!

Never!

Take it back!

Aah!

Aah!

Ha ha!

Take it back!

Yeah! Take it back!

Never! Never!

Take it back!

No! Never!

Get off me!

Get off me!

It could be tom.

It could be tom.

To... aah!

It's tom.

Tom?

Tom, we found Lance!

We...

where are you?

Tom?

T-tom, I can't hear you.

Help!

Tom? To...

sh*t!

Where are you going?

To find your faggoty friend.

He may still be alive.

If I were you, I'd shoot

the zombie in the bathroom.

Michael corleone

would've done it in the barn.

Damn it.

Hold on a minute.

On hold, lemon pie.

Holy hell.

Can I get you anything else,

hon?

Y'all want smoking or non?

Oh, we have a trespasser.

Jerry!

All right, Billy ray.

Let's see how badass you are.

Hi, this is Billy ray and the

boys, and we're going hunting!

F***in' huntin'!

F***in' huntin'!

F***ing hunting!

Glad you could join us today.

We got a special episode for you

as we will show you

how to track and hunt

the ever-elusive

Texas panther.

- Damn it.

- F***in' huntin'!

Alone outside in these parts...

totally badass.

Lance?

The Texas panther is like the...

the me.

And that's why

I'm going to kill one.

F***in' huntin'!

Lance?

Buddy?

Can I get you anything?

You want...

you want a ginger ale?

From newscenter 25,

we interrupt your

regularly scheduled program

to bring you

this late breaking news.

According to various sources

throughout the South Texas region,

there have been numerous

reports of a massive outbreak

of what appears to be a peculiar

strain of the flu virus.

Over 150 cases

have already been reported

within the last half-hour

alone.

Symptoms include

discoloration of the skin,

bleeding from

the eyes, nose, and mouth,

loss of motor skills,

and violent acts of aggression

towards loved ones, friends,

and church-goers.

Now back to your

regularly scheduled program,

"Billy ray and friends."

What?!

I said how about you draw then?

Lance!

Oh, sh*t.

Listen to me.

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Lance!

Lance!

Come on, buddy!

It's me!

Don't make me do it!

Sh*t!

I'm so sorry, man.

Oh, that looks bad.

Aah!

Knock you right out.

All right, murph.

Stand him up, please.

Aah!

Now, let's try this again.

What were you doing

on my property?

I told you, I didn't know

I was on your property.

Everything out here

looks the same!

Aah!

Do I look like a fool to you?

No!

He's lyin', Billy ray.

Really, murph?

H-he's lying?

He just said

he didn't think I was a fool.

I'll let you think on that one.

Look!

I'm sorry for trespassing.

I promise, I had no idea!

Please, just let me go.

Or at least let me put some pants on.

The floor is cold.

I'm afraid

it's just not that easy.

You see, I'm what the locals

around here refer to as a badass.

Now, if I just

allowed you to leave

without

suffering the consequences,

well, that might

soil a reputation

I've worked so tirelessly

to maintain.

You understand?

So, that's a no

to the pants then?

Hm.

Hey! Let's give 'em

a spankin'!

What?! No!

Oh, yeah, you like that?!

Hey, hillbillies.

Spank this.

Sh*t.

So we do meet again.

Hello. You've reached

Thomas Alexander III.

I will be participating in

the barbaric ritual

of hunting this weekend,

but if you leave me a message,

someone will

get back to you shortly.

Oh, God.

Tom! It's Craig, all right?

Where the hell are you?

Okay, we found Lance.

All right, he's sick...

okay, very sick.

Look,

Jerry's out looking for you.

I'm don't know

if that's such a good idea.

I just... I need you to give me

a call back asap, all right?

And change your voicemail.

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