Buck Wild Page #5

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"Someone will be

getting back to you?"

I mean, that just sounds gay.

I mean, it's stupid.

To hell with it.

It's gay, okay?

And that's okay because

if you're gay, then I'm cool,

so just come out with it,

you know?

I mean, t-that is

if you're gay, that is.

To erase and re-record, press "3."

Damn it! To continue recording

where you left off, press "4."

Message erased.

Tom, it's Craig. Please

come back to the lodge asap.

We've found Lance.

Aah!

Aah!

Lance?

Lance, buddy?

Look, that's too much.

Aah!

...Also, if you want to

kill yourself.

If this sounds like

your life story,

have I got

the perfect product for you.

It's the

studabaker acculevel 2000.

It's perfect for straightening

pictures and nooses.

The studabaker acculevel 2000

will help you kill

two birds with one stone.

The only thing worse than

a picture that won't hang right

is a noose

that won't hang you right.

Am I right?

So avoid the embarrassment

of crooked pictures

and failed suicide attempts.

Sir, I know you're upset,

but I'm asking you...

no, I'm begging you,

may I please

have a pair of pants?

Trespassers

receive no such luxuries.

Then why does he

get to wear his pants?

Why am I the only one

who's naked?

Would you prefer

if we were all naked, tom?

No, Jerry!

Silence!

How dare you invade the sanctity

of my gentlemen's club?!

I am a badass!

Oh, from where I'm sitting,

it looks like

you just want

some ass... Bad.

How dare you speak so to me?!

You will learn humility.

You're never gonna

get away with this, boss.

Sheriff o'Connor,

how are you this evening?

So you see, we've already

gotten away with it.

And as long as that bloody

game warden keeps his distance,

we will continue

getting away with it.

But he always manages to

ruin all my fun.

I really wonder where he is right now.

You know, it's unlike him not to drop by.

Great.

You do realize that

you probably have

an entire army of undead

headed this way?

My thoughts exactly.

Wiggle my bean at this!

One at a time, boys.

Remember,

this is a gentlemen's club.

Is she...

yep.

What are you doing?

Getting us out of here.

Unless you want to be part of the

buffet that's about to begin.

There we go.

My pants!

There we go.

What are you doing?!

If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna

do it in a pair of pants.

Untie me first!

Hey!

They's free!

Damn skinny jeans!

About time, buttercup.

Shut up, goombah.

Eat sh*t, sparkle fairy!

Dale! Move!

That's it. There we go.

Come on. That's it.

Aah!

Ooh. Not such a badass now,

are you, Billy ray?

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo! Ha ha!

Yeah! Ha ha!

Whoo!

Yeah, baby! Yeah!

Whoo!

Whoo! Oh, man.

Oh, come on, buck up, buttercup.

Hey, uh, I think there's

some trash bags in the back seat

if you, uh, get a little chilly.

Oh, and don't worry.

I, uh, I won't tell anybody

about the ass raping.

Ass raping?

There wasn't

any f***ing ass raping!

I was ridden around like a pony

and spanked.

That's it!

Yeah.

Whatever you say, boss.

Aah!

Oh.

Whoo!

Oh. Whoa.

Hey, bastard came out of

nowhere.

You're really

enjoying yourself, aren't you?

Eh, well, yeah.

Looks like we got to make

a little pit stop.

To catch a Texas panther,

you're gonna need

a panther of your own.

Where the hell are you guys?

Craig?

Carla!

What's going on?

Hey, well, uh, yeah,

th-th-that's

kind of a tough one.

Say, how are things

where you are?

What do you mean?

I mean, uh,

are people trying to

bite each other?

Bite each other?

Attacking...

trying to maim or kill really.

What are you talking about, Craig?

Never mind.

...no f***ing panthers.

You're at

another party again, huh?

Do not start with me.

Yes, I'm at another party.

Look, your text message said you had

to talk about something important.

Was that biting thing it?

Oh, no.

Look, I need to

ask you something, all right?

It's something that I heard about you...

...and Lance.

Uh, look, Craig,

I-I-I can't really hear you.

I can't talk right now.

We're gonna talk later, okay? Bye.

Are you sleeping with Lance?

F*** that!

It was him!

I came here to hunt!

Lance?

Are you sleeping with Carla?

I know. I know.

Crazy, right?

It's just that tom said

he saw you with Carla,

and the way you acted

when I showed you the ring...

I don't know.

I just get the feeling

that Carla's not happy.

Maybe I'm just insecure.

Lie back, Craig.

What?

On the couch.

Get comfortable.

You said something intriguing

just now, Craig.

I did?

Yes, Craig, you did.

You said

you were feeling insecure.

Well, yeah.

I mean, I guess so.

I just get the feeling

I'm not good enough.

Were you breast-fed, Craig?

What?

Did your mother

breast-feed you?

Lance, you're acting weird.

Just

answer the question! No.

Well, studies have shown that

when a child, specifically

a male, is not breast-fed,

they oftentimes

lose their sense of security,

which usually translates into

a dissociation

with the opposite sex.

Insecurity, Craig.

All right, Lance,

you're acting weird.

Craig, it's my belief that

Carla's not the issue,

or some nasty rumor.

It's your mother, Craig.

My mother?

Yes, Craig! Your mother!

- I'm not so sure about...

- Think about it.

Carla loves you.

She'd never betray your trust.

It's been five years.

Six years.

Six years.

Now, these feelings,

these insecurities

you're experiencing

are a direct result of the

essential motherly attention

that you were deprived of

as an infant.

Maybe you're right.

My mother never cut off the crust

off on my peanut butter sandwiches,

and she knew

I liked them that way.

Bingo.

Thanks for talking, Lance.

Any time, buddy boy.

You're seriously

gonna do this right now?

Hey, when nature calls,

I say hello.

Just hold it!

Eh, ain't good

to keep it inside.

Sh*t.

Back in a jiff.

I'm wearing a trash bag,

for Christ's sake.

You look good in black.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Idiot.

Sh*t!

Ah!

Ow!

Yes!

What the hell?!

Oh!

You're not a zombie?

What are you talkin' about, boy?

I'm so sorry, it was just

weird the way you were

standing there

just staring at me like that.

You're wearin' a garbage-bag

dress and I'm the weirdo?

Way to stereotype,

a-hole.

What? No.

And it's not a dress...

more like a robe or a wrap.

Anyway,

I didn't mean it that way.

Aah!

Sh*t!

Jerry!

Jerry! Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Die!

Aah! Aah!

Jesus.

I just killed a priest, man.

You sure did.

With a crucifix no less.

That's kind of poetic.

Congrats.

Hey, you all right, boss?

He didn't try to rape you

or anything, did he?

No, Jerry.

All right, it's just...

Well, you're naked again,

and being a priest and all,

I thought maybe...

thank you

for pointing that out, Jerry.

No problem, boss.

Ahh.

Good work.

Aw, damn it!

You locked the keys

in the truck!

Hello. I'm Isaac white.

And if you're watching this,

you're color-blind.

This video was made

for people like you and me

who can't tell the difference

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