Buddy Solitaire

---

YOUR LAST AC OF THE EVENING,

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR BUDDY SOLITAIRE.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS,

ONE MORE TIME FOR ALL

YOUR COMICS TONIGHT, HUH?

ENTHUSIASTIC CROWD.

I LOVE IT.

EXCITED TO BE HERE.

IT'S MIDNIGH ON A TUESDAY,

SO ALL OF US:

ARE BIG WINNERS, HUH?

SO I'M FROM KANSAS,

WHERE WE HAVE A SPECIAL NAME

FOR A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL

WHO'S FASTER

THAN HER BROTHERS--

A VIRGIN.

OKAY. OKAY.

NOT MUCH OF A THINKING CROWD

TONIGHT, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

-OH, I'M SORRY.

ARE YOU EXPECTING

AN IMPORTANT CALL?

WHY DON'T YOU JUS GET OFF THE STAGE?

WHY DON'T YOU GET BACK

TO YOUR PHONE CALL?

F*** YOU.

GREAT.

RIGHT HERE, IN FRON OF ALL THESE PEOPLE?

YOU WANT ME TO JUS F*** YOU ON THIS STAGE?

THAT'LL BE FUN

FOR NOBODY TO WATCH.

THAT'S MY TIME.

HEY DUDE, LISTEN TO THIS JOKE

I GOT YESTERDAY, OKAY?

REALLY?

-NOW COME ON,

JUST ONE JOKE.

-ONE.

-ALL RIGHT,

HERE WE GO.

SO, IN HISTORY CLASS

THEY ASKED US,

"WHAT'S INDIA'S CONTRIBUTION

TO THE MODERN WORLD?"

I SAID, "TECH SUPPORT."

-OKAY, SO, YOU'RE

IN HISTORY CLASS,

YOU'RE A 25-YEAR-OLD.

WHY ARE YOU STILL

IN HISTORY CLASS?

DUDE, IT'S THE JOKE, OKAY?

IT'S A 40-WORD JOKE.

-I GET IT.

THE PUNCH LINE'S

GOTTA COME FASTER.

-IT'S TWO SENTENCES!

-GET THERE FASTER.

OKAY, BROWN MAN LISTEN.

BROWN MAN GRAB HIS IPAD.

HEY, DO YOU ACTUALLY

DO TECH SUPPORT?

'CAUSE I HAVE A VIRUS

ON MY COMPUTER.

TOO MUCH PORN, AND BROWN MAN

SAYS "F*** YOU."

-OH, NICE.

-MM-HMM.

I DO LIKE HOW YOU USE

THAT INDIAN THING, THOUGH.

KEEP DOING THAT.

MAKE IT YOUR OWN.

MY GURU HAS SPOKEN.

WE'RE DOING YOGA TODAY.

YOU KNOW I DON' UNDERSTAND CHINESE.

COME ON.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING

EITHER ONE OF US.

MISS LIAO--

MAN, GET OFF THE STAGE.

THANK YOU, I WILL,

WHEN I'M DONE.

YOU SUCK.

-I APPRECIATE THAT.

JUST TELL SOME JOKES!

GREAT, YES,

MORE PLEASE, PLEASE.

GET OFF STAGE!

-I WILL, I GOT THREE MINUTES,

SO I GUESS WE'RE GONNA WAIT,

AND I'LL JUST DO THIS.

THIS HOW WE'RE GONNA

SPEND YOUR TIME, GUYS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CELEBRATING AFTER

ANOTHER GREAT SHOW.

DON'T YOU THINK

YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH?

NO.

I'M FINE.

OKAY.

PHEW.

-GOOD MORNING.

-HI.

HEY, THANKS FOR STOPPING ME

BEFORE I RUINED:

THE OL' MONEYMAKER.

SURE.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND

A LITTLE LESS TIME

WITH HANNA.

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE

TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

IT'S JUS HER WHOLE ENERGY.

MAYBE IT'S

RUBBING OFF ON YOU.

WE'RE TALKING ENERGY NOW.

DO YOU WANT ME:

TO GRAB YOUR TAROT CARDS?

WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT I IF YOU DON'T WANT.

SORRY.

JUST, I'M NOT SURE I CAN TAKE

ANOTHER BAD SHOW.

AND I KNOW MY FACE CAN'T.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU LOVE COMEDY.

RIGHT,

IT'S IN MY BLOOD.

HI, CAN I HELP YOU?

YES, IRWIN SCHWARTZ

IS UP THERE.

I'M GONNA DO A SET WITH HIM.

WE GO WAY BACK.

UH-HUH.

I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING

ABOUT THIS.

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO

PAY JULIE AT THE DOOR

FOR YOUR TICKET, YEAH?

DO YOU KNOW:

WHO I AM?

I DO, HANNA,

BUT IT'S NOT 1983 ANYMORE,

SO JUST GO PAY:

FOR YOUR TICKET.

YOU DO NOT TALK:

TO ME LIKE THAT.

WHO THE F*** DO YOU THINK

YOU ARE, YOU LITTLE PRICK?

OKAY, NAME CALLING.

-WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO--

-DO NOT TOUCH ME.

OKAY, CALM DOWN.

-I AM A LEGEND.

-OKAY, OKAY.

-I AM A F***ING LEGEND!

-WE HAVE A LEGEND

WHO'S CRAZY.

COME ON,

EXIT STAGE RIGHT, LEGEND.

HERE WE GO.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.

HERE WE GO.

THERE'S THE DOOR.

HERE WE GO.

OW, THAT'S NICE.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

BYE-BYE NOW.

BYE-BYE.

WHOO!

SH*T.

HEY, HONEY.

HEY, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED.

I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THIS MORNING.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I LEFT MY ANXIETY PILLS

AT YOUR PLACE.

OH, YOU DON'T NEED

THAT STUFF.

I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THEM

FOREVER, YOU KNOW.

I KNOW! I KNOW.

I SEE 'EM.

I'LL BE RIGHT OVER,

ALL RIGHT?

THANK YOU.

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?

I'M COMING.

-HEY, MA.

-HI.

I HEAR YOUR LETTERMAN SET.

[FAINT TV AUDIO

PLAYING]

-YOU HAD NO FEAR.

-HA!

YOU WOULD BE KILLING I IF YOU WENT UP TODAY.

THEY DON'T F***ING

DESERVE ME.

SLOW DOWN WITH:

THESE, ALL RIGHT?

THEY GIVE YOU CANCER.

I'LL EAT CANCER.

HEY, I GOT THIS JOKE

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON.

IT'S THIS PUN THING

THAT IS GOING TO KILL--

I WAS DONE WITH PUNS

WHEN REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT.

-HEY, GIVE IT BACK.

-NO.

AW, DID I HUR LITTLE BUDDY'S FEELINGS?

HANNA DARLING:

WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

LOOK, MOM, I JUST COULD USE

SOME HELP WITH MY SET.

WELL, I REALLY THINK

YOU SHOULD GIVE IT UP.

THANK YOU.

MAYBE I WILL.

THEN YOU'LL HAVE MORE TIME

TO SPEND WITH YOUR MOTHER.

-I HAVE TO GO

PICK UP VANESSA.

-VANESSA'S A C*NT!

-OH, GOD DAMN IT, MOM.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO

TALK LIKE THAT?

YOU WANT ME:

TO KILL MYSELF?

-NO.

-I WILL SHOOT MY

F***ING BRAINS OU AND YOU CAN

JUST RUN AWAY WITH

YOUR LITTLE MEXICAN B*TCH

AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

I JUST HAVE TO GO.

F***ING A**HOLE.

I HAD MY KNIVES AND SPOONS

JUST LIKE I WANTED I YESTERDAY.

SOMEBODY MOVED THEM.

WE'LL GET THEM RIGHT BACK

TO WHERE THEY WERE, OKAY?

YOU NEED TO:

DO IT RIGHT NOW.

-YEAH, DO IT RIGHT NOW.

-ZOE. THAT'S NOT NICE.

WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME

AND NOT AT MISS LIAO?

NO, I NEED IT THE RIGHT WAY

FOR MY CHICKEN SALAD.

-OH, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

-NO, I NEED TO GO

TO THE KITCHEN.

'CAUSE I NEED ANOTHER

ONE OF THESE.

OLIVER, I NEED YOU

TO SIT DOWN.

NO, BUT SEE, HOW I HAVE I IS IT GOES

CHICKEN SALAD, CHICKEN SALAD,

CHICKEN SALAD--

WOW, YOU MUST BE

REALLY HUNGRY.

YOU DIDN'T BRING ME

MY CHICKEN SALAD EITHER?

NO, I'M SORRY, ANOTHER

WAITER HAS YOUR SECTION.

-I WAS AT MY MOM'S.

HEY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I HAVE TO GO TO:

THE BATHROOM.

-YEAH.

CAN'T BE ANY WORSE

THAN MY IRVINE AUDIENCE.

HEY YOU, YOU NEW

TO MAPLE HILLS?

UH, NO, NO.

I COULD BE.

I'M AN INSOMNIAC,

HYPOCHONDRIAC,

-HUGE MEGALOMANIAC.

SERIOUSLY.

OH. I'M VANESSA'S

BOYFRIEND, BUDDY.

-ARE YOU A

SOCIAL WORKER?

-NO.

NO, BUT THANK YOU

FOR THINKING I COULD BE.

I'M A COMEDIAN, GUYS.

I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK.

TRY THE SHRIMP.

WE HAVE SHRIMP HERE?

I HAVE NO IDEA:

WHAT THE MENU IS.

YOU KNOW IT'S NOT NICE

TO MAKE FUN OF US.

YEAH, LOOK, I'M NO MAKING FUN OF YOU GUYS.

I GET WHAT IT'S LIKE

BEING HERE, THOUGH.

SOCIAL WORKERS, SHRINKS.

EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE

CRAZY, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE BEING

AT HOME WITH YOUR MOM,

EXCEPT SHE PROBABLY

DOESN'T MAKE YOU KISS HER.

KIDDING.

YOU GOT A VERY:

MAD CAT AT HOME?

I'M SORRY, DOES ONE OF YOU

TRANSLATE FOR HER?

ALL I GOT WAS:

"IS SOME"

OKAY, TOO MUCH!

ALL RIGHT, TOO FAR, TOO FAR.

I WANT MY CHICKEN SALAD!

MAN, THAT IS YOUR FOURTH

CHICKEN SALAD.

DO YOU REALLY:

EAT THAT MUCH?

HEY, I'M BACK.

SO AM I.

WHAT WAS THAT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN,

HE'S JUST SOME JERK.

CHICKEN SALAD...

VANESSA'S CLASS IS GOING

TO BE MY NEW SPARK.

WRITING ABOUT THESE WEIRDOS

IS GOING TO GET ME

INTO THE JUBILEE.

WHAT ABOUT THAT JOKE

I GAVE YOU,

THE ONE ABOU MY COUSIN PATEL?

-THAT WAS SOME BAD SH*T.

-YEAH, THAT WAS

SOME BAD SH*T.

-HEY.

-LOOK, IF I WIN

THE JUBILEE,

THAT'S GONNA TURN

EVERYTHING AROUND.

AND STEPHAN MARTIN

IS RUNNING IT THIS YEAR.

THAT FREAK WOULD LOVE

A SHOW ABOUT CRAZY PEOPLE.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

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