Buddy Solitaire Page #2

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ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

YEAH, YEAH!

I MEAN ,LOOK, COMEDY IS

HALF INSANE ANYWAY, RIGHT?

-LOOK AT US TWO A**HOLES.

-I'M NOT AN A**HOLE.

YOU ARE:

KIND OF AN A**HOLE.

LOOK, IT JUS SEEMS LIKE A LOT,

OKAY, FOR SOME NEW JOKES?

LOOK, I GOTTA TRY SOMETHING

DIFFERENT, OKAY?

I'VE BEEN DOING THIS

FOR 15 YEARS.

SOMETHIN'S GOTTA CHANGE.

SIR!

SIR, EXCUSE ME.

HI, YES.

YES, YOU, SIR. YEAH.

HI. IS THIS THE PLACE

THAT STEPHAN MARTIN

DOES HIS HIPPIE-DIPPY

BULLSHIT?

BY "HIPPIE-DIPPY

BULLSHIT," YOU MEAN

MEDITATION?

-YEAH, I THINK SO.

I'M BUDDY SOLITAIRE.

CAN YOU TELL STEPHAN

THAT BUDDY'S GO A BRAND NEW BAG, OKAY?

LIKE JAMES BROWN?

BUDDY GOT A BRAND

NEW BAG, WHA-AA!

NO, IT'S NOT A GREA IMPRESSION

AND YOU CLEARLY:

AREN'T A MUSIC FAN.

-I LIKE CHANTING.

-AWESOME.

TELL STEPHAN:

IT'S CALLED "THE CRAZY SHOW"

AND THAT IT TOTALLY KICKS ASS,

YOU GOT THAT?

I'LL MAKE SURE

TO LET HIM KNOW.

OKAY.

DON'T FORGET, BALDY.

PSST.

AMAZING PAJAMAS.

IT IS NICE.

I LOVE NATURE.

NO, YOU DON'T.

THAT'S TRUE.

ACTUALLY, I THINK

IT'S KIND OF RIDICULOUS.

HEY...

WHOA.

WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

-YOU'RE GORGEOUS.

ACTUALLY I FOUND

A FLOWER OVER THERE.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

HEY, YOU KNOW HOW

MAPLE HILL IS LOOKING

FOR THAT NEW AFTERNOON

ACTIVITIES INSTRUCTOR?

-I'M YOUR GUY.

YES. I'M GONNA

TEACH 'EM STAND-UP

AND SKETCH, IMPROV.

LOOK, I REALLY LIKED

THAT GROUP YESTERDAY.

ARE WE TALKING:

ABOUT THE SAME PEOPLE?

YEAH.

WELL, THEY'RE...

CHARMING.

LOOK, I KNOW IT'S JUS AFTERNOON WORKSHOPS,

BUT THESE PEOPLE

HAVE REAL PROBLEMS.

I MEAN, YEAH, IT'S

A COUNSELING CENTER,

NOT A PSYCH WARD,

BUT THEY NEED:

A SPECIALIST.

I'M AS SPECIAL

AS THEY COME.

WE ALREADY HIRED SOMEONE.

MR. RICKLES IS GONNA DO

A DEEP MOVEMENT WORKSHOP.

OKAY, LOOK, ANYBODY

NAMED MR. RICKLES DESERVES

TO BE FIRED, ONE,

AND TWO, WHAT THE HELL

IS A "DEEP MOVEMENT"

WORKSHOP?

-IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR JOINTS.

-BABY, COME ON, PLEASE.

I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO

PUT IN A GOOD WORD, OKAY?

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

ON MY SIDE.

I NEED THIS.

I'LL SEE

WHAT I CAN DO.

-THANK YOU.

-YOU'RE WELCOME.

MM-HMM.

UH-OH.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE TAUGH WORKSHOPS BEFORE.

OH, REALLY?

WHERE?

-BAKERSFIELD.

-BAKERSFIELD.

MM-HMM.

YOU DON'T HAVE

YOUR CERTIFICATE, DO YOU?

PAPERWORK?

COME ON, WHO NEEDS THAT?

ME.

LOOK, I DON'T HAVE

A PH.D. LIKE YOU.

-MM-HMM.

-BUT I CAN STILL BE VERY

USEFUL TO THIS PSYCH WARD.

THIS IS NO A PSYCH WARD.

THIS IS:

A COUNSELING CENTER.

SORRY.

UH...

I CAN BE VERY USEFUL

TO YOUR COUNSELING CENTER.

BUT HONESTLY, IT'S KINDA

"TOMATOES-TOMAHTOES,"

RIGHT?

JUST KIDDING.

YOU GOT THE JOB.

THOUGHT YOU'D APPRECIATE THAT,

BEING A COMEDIAN, HMM?

YEAH, THAT'S--

I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER

THAT INTERVIEW STYLE.

WELL, THE VANESSA GROUP

DOESN'T NEED THERAPY

AS MUCH AS SOCIAL SKILLS,

BUT COMEDY,

COMEDY WILL TAKE

CARE OF THAT, HUH?

-COMEDY.

-HIGH FIVE.

-OKAY.

-YEAH.

-FIST BUMP.

-ALL RIGHT.

-AH-HH!

LET'S GO MEE THE GROUP.

-YES!

GUYS, GUYS.

LISTEN UP, LISTEN UP.

-THIS IS BUDDY.

-HI.

I HEAR YOU ALREADY MET.

OKAY... WELL.

I'LL LEAVE I UP TO YOU, THEN, HUH?

GOOD LUCK.

WELL, I DIDN'T EXPEC TO BE STARTING TODAY,

BUT... HERE WE ARE.

WHAT ARE YOU:

DOING BACK HERE?

THANK YOU,

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU TOO.

GUYS, I'M YOUR NEW

AFTERNOON ACTIVITIES

INSTRUCTOR.

SERIOUSLY,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHOA. I'M JUST HERE

TO TEACH YOU GUYS

COMEDY, OKAY?

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TEACH YOU

SOME F***IN' MANNERS.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

WHY DON'T WE JUS GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER

A LITTLE BIT FIRST?

LET'S GET INTO A SEMI-CIRCLE

SO BRING YOUR CHAIRS IN.

COULD YOU BRING THEM CLOSER?

COME IN A LITTLE BIT?

THERE YOU GO.

THAT'S THE EFFOR I'M LOOKING FOR.

IF YOU COULD JUS SCOOT IN?

COULD YOU JUS TAKE YOUR CHAIR AND...

OKAY.

WHY DON'T I BEGIN?

UH, MY NAME IS BUDDY.

I'M A COMEDIAN,

AND I WANT TO BE FAMOUS,

BUT SINCE I'M HERE,

CLEARLY I'M NOT.

I DRINK A LOT,

I GET HIGH EVEN MORE OFTEN.

SOME DAYS I SLEEP

FOR 18 STRAIGHT HOURS.

UH... OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS

TELL ME YOUR NAMES

AND WHAT BRAND:

OF CRAZY YOU GOT?

UM, EXCUSE YOU?

SORRY, WHAT'S YOUR

MENTAL ILLNESS?

MY, UH,

MY NAME IS BUFORD.

BUT EVERYBODY:

CALLS ME "BUGG."

I WORKED AT VONS

ON SUNSET AND VERMONT,

BEFORE I STARTED

SEEING THE GHOST.

OH, LIKE BRUCE WILLIS

IN "THE SIXTH SENSE"?

NICE.

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT?

ELLIOT GOMES.

PHOENIX BATTALION.

OH, YEAH?

WHERE WERE YOU?

-AFGHANISTAN.

-I HEAR THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.

"BEAUTIFUL"?

WHAT ARE YOU,

A F***IN' MORON?

MOST PEOPLE:

WOULD SAY YES.

OLIVER!

NICE TO SEE YOU, BUDDY.

HOW LONG DO:

WE HAVE TO BE HERE?

VANESSA SAID:

WE'D BE DOING YOGA.

YOU'RE NOT THE YOGA TEACHER.

WHERE'S MY CHICKEN SALAD?

CAN I ASK YOU:

SOMETHING?

ONCE YOU FINISH:

A CHICKEN SALAD,

HOW LONG UNTIL THEY BRING YOU

THAT NEXT CHICKEN SALAD?

I NEVER GE A CHICKEN SALAD.

AND YET YOU KEEP ASKING.

-HELLO.

-HI, MY NAME'S ZOE.

AND WHY ARE YOU HERE?

BECAUSE MY PARENTS

ARE PIECES OF SH*T.

RESPECTFUL.

THAT IS WHAT I LIKE MOS ABOUT THE YOUTH OF TODAY.

MISS LIAO.

DON'T WANNA TALK

TO YOU.

OKAY, "BRADY BUNCH."

LET'S BEGIN.

GUYS, I WANT YOU

TO THINK OF ME AS THE

COOL TEACHER, OKAY?

WE ARE JUST GONNA

STRAIGHT CHILLAX.

"CHILLAX"?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, RELAX,

GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

HANG OUT,

TELL OUR STORIES.

THAT STUFF IS VERY

HEALING, GUYS.

SO, WHAT MAKES YOU

SO SPECIAL?

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE

CALL ME SPECIAL.

I DON'T WANT TO

TELL YOU SH*T, DUDE.

FINE.

WE'LL JUST SIT HERE

IN SILENCE.

SHOW US SOME COMEDY.

EXCUSE ME?

MISS LIAO:

LOVES COMEDY.

REALLY?

OKAY.

YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.

ALL RIGHT, UH, WELL,

A JOKE COMES IN TWO PARTS.

YOU GOT YOUR SETUP,

AND YOU GOT YOUR PUNCH LINE.

"KNOCK KNOCK."

"WHO'S THERE?"

"JUSTIN."

"JUSTIN WHO?"

THAT'S YOUR SETUP.

BUT THE PUNCH LINE,

THAT'S WHERE YOU GE YOUR LAUGH.

"JUSTIN TIME FOR DINNER."

I'VE SEEN SUICIDE BOMBERS

THAT ARE FUNNIER THAN YOU.

-I THOUGHT YOU

WERE A COMEDIAN.

-NO, GUYS,

THAT'S AN EXAMPLE

OF JOKE STRUCTURE.

LOOK, OKAY, LOOK.

I WILL GIVE YOU A REAL JOKE

FROM MY ACT.

WE'LL USE THIS.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

SO I LOST MY VIRGINITY

TO A FRENCH GIRL.

WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE LEARNING

TO DRIVE ON A PORSCHE--

-BORING!

-HOW DO YOU KNOW

IT'S BORING?

I HAVEN'T FINISHED

THE JOKE YET.

MY MOTHER'S FRENCH, DUDE.

WELL, SHE MIGHT LIKE

A JOKE ABOUT HER.

YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING

REMOTELY FUNNY!

YOU GUYS GOTTA:

LET ME FINISH.

I HAVEN'T GOTTEN

TO THE PUNCH LINE.

REALLY HARD TO:

GET A JOKE OUT--

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

FORGET IT, FORGET IT.

LET'S JUST WATCH

A VIDEO, OKAY?

LET'S WATCH

A VIDEO TOGETHER.

WE'LL WATCH VIDEOS.

OH, LOOK, IT'S JERRY SEINFELD.

LOW EFFORT FOR:

EVERYBODY INVOLVED,

INCLUDING JERRY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK

HAPPENED TO THE FRENCH GIRL?

DON'T THINK ABOU THE FRENCH GIRL, BUGG.

HEY, STEPHAN, IT'S BUDDY.

DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE

FROM THAT HARE KRISHNA?

ANYWAY, I HAD TO SLEEP

WITH ALL OF YOUR ASSISTANTS

TO GET THIS DIRECT NUMBER,

INCLUDING DAVE, WHO IS

A GREAT LAY,

SO YOU KNOW,

CALL ME BACK, MAN.

THANKS.

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