Buddy Solitaire Page #3

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OKAY, GUYS,

HELL OF A FIRST DAY.

SEE YOU LATER.

HEY, BUDDY.

HEY, HEY, BUDDY.

HEY... I WANNA LEARN

ABOUT PUNCH LINES.

OH YEAH?

YOU SURE YOU'RE

NOT AN EMISSARY:

SENT FROM THAT HORDE

HERE TO ATTACK ME?

OH, NO, MAN.

THIS IS ALL JUS REALLY NEW TO THEM.

WHAT'S WITH "CHINESE

CHUCKLES" IN THERE?

KIND OF AN INTENSE WOMAN

FOR A WORKSHOP.

YEAH, MISS LIAO IS

TYSON'S YOUNGER COUSIN.

SO?

WELL, HE MANAGED

TO GET HER HERE:

INSTEAD OF A ROOM

AT STATE.

SHE WAS A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE

OR SOMETHING.

HER HUSBAND UP IN FRESNO

USED TO HIT HER.

A LOT.

SHE BURNED HIS HOUSE DOWN.

PULLED A "LEFT EYE."

YEAH, I NEVER THOUGH ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.

-YEAH.

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

MY MOM WOULDN'T ALLOW ANY

CUSSIN' IN THE HOUSE.

I MEAN, YOU COULDN' WATCH ANYTHING.

BUT ME AND MY OLDER BROTHER

USED TO SNEAK "DELIRIOUS"

DOWN IN THE BASEMENT.

MY MOM SAID "F***"

ALL THE TIME, SO...

"DELIRIOUS"

IS GREAT, THOUGH.

HOW ABOUT YOU, MAN?

YOU GOT JOKES?

YEAH, YEAH, MAN.

I GOT A BOOK FULL OF 'EM.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

NEXT TIME I'M HERE,

YOU BRING 'EM, WE'LL GO

OVER 'EM TOGETHER, OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH,

THAT'D BE GREAT.

THAT'D BE GREAT, MAN.

HEY, BUDDY?

YOU GET TO MISS LIAO,

EVERYBODY ELSE:

FALLS IN LINE.

THANKS, MAN.

COME ON. COME ON.

COME ON.

THIS IS YOUR IDEA.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I KNOW.

I THOUGHT I WAS:

IN BETTER SHAPE.

NO, I COULD'VE

TOLD YOU OTHERWISE.

-ALL RIGHT, WELL.

-SEE, YOU SHOULD GO

WORK OUT WITH ME.

-I WORK OUT.

I CALL IT DRINKING AND--

NOT EATING RIGHT.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

-THANK YOU.

-I DID THIS ALL MYSELF.

WHY DO YOU:

PUT UP WITH ME?

I ACCEPT YOUR FLAWS

AND YOU ACCEPT MINE.

YEAH, BUT YOU

DON'T HAVE ANY.

EXCEPT MY TERRIBLE

TASTE IN MEN.

-HEY, THAT IS ME.

-IT IS YOU.

-OH.

-MM-HMM.

WHAT'S THAT?

I HAVE SOMETHING

TO TELL YOU.

OKAY.

I'M PREGNANT.

-THAT'S A GOOD JOKE.

-IT'S NOT A JOKE.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S--

THIS IS GREAT NEWS,

SWEETIE.

THIS IS-- F***.

THIS IS GREAT.

I...

WHY AREN'T YOU HAPPIER?

I MEAN, THE TWO OF US

ARE A MESS.

WE CAN BARELY:

TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES.

ANOTHER PERSON?

HONEY, YOU'RE GONNA BE

AN AMAZING MOM.

-I CAN TRY BREASTFEEDING.

BABY, I'M GONNA GE INTO THE JUBILEE, OKAY?

AND THEN EVERYTHING

IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA

TURN AROUND FOR US.

I PROMISE.

NEXT TIME, WARN ME BEFORE

YOU AND YOUR LITTLE "CHURRO"

DECIDE TO SPRING THIS

KINDA NEWS ON ME.

-THIS IS SUPPOSED TO

BE A GOOD THING, MA.

MAYBE IF YOU PEOPLE

BELIEVED IN THE USE

OF CONDOMS.

-LISTEN, DARLING, DON' LET HER TEAR US APART.

-PLEASE, STOP IT.

YOU THINK YOU CAN

TAKE MY SON AWAY FROM ME?

ALL YOU DO IS INSULT HIM.

YEAH, WELL, I CAN DO THAT.

HE'S MY GODDAMNED SON.

OKAY, GUYS, WE DON'T WANT TO

WAKE THE KOREAN NEIGHBORS--

WE HAVE A BOND.

A BOND OF REAL FAMILY.

A BOND OF COMEDY.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE,

F*** FACE?

-BUDDY, YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER.

-SHE SAID SHE'S GONNA STOP.

-I NEVER SAID THAT.

-YOU NEED TO CHECK

YOUR MOTHER.

-CHECK YOURSELF

OUT THE DOOR!

-THANKS, MOM.

-WAIT.

-BYE!

I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE NOT MY MOM.

IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN,

.

WE'RE IN AMERICA.

DO NOT MAKE FUN OF BUGG.

DON'T TELL ME

WHAT TO DO!

JESUS!

ARGH!

CAREFUL, YOU'RE GONNA

SNAP HER IN HALF.

AMERICAN KIDS:

HAVE NO RESPECT.

I KNOW.

I WAS ONE OF THEM.

-NO.

HOW DO YOU SAY "PAIN"

IN YOUR LANGUAGE?

"TONG."

BURNING DOWN HOUSES,

SCARING THE LIVING SHI OUT OF PEOPLE?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE

A LOTTA "TONG."

VANESSA TOLD ME:

YOU HAD A DAUGHTER.

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

I LIKE KIDS.

THEY'RE GREAT.

ALL SQUISHY,

THEY'RE CUTE.

THEIR HEADS SMELL AMAZING.

I BET YOUR DAUGHTER

WOULD LOVE I IF YOU JUST TRIED

ONE OF THESE DONUTS.

I TOLD YOU TO:

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

-I DON'T KNOW WHA THAT MEANS.

MEANS "A**HOLE."

OH, SO, I'M

A DOUBLE A**HOLE?

EH, THESE ARE FINE.

HELLO, EVERYONE!

I COME BEARING GIFTS.

GET EXCITED, PEOPLE,

BECAUSE THESE BAD BOYS

ARE FRESH:

AND THEY ARE WARM.

THAT'LL DISTURB MY DIGESTION.

IT'LL GIVE ME THE RUNS.

VERY, VERY WATERY POO.

THANKS FOR TALKING

ABOUT YOUR SHITS.

DR. YEE DOESN'T LIKE

OUTSIDE FOOD IN HERE.

IT'S JUST DONUTS, OKAY?

THOSE ARE FULL:

OF SUGAR AND CARBS.

THAT'S WHAT GOES

INTO DONUTS.

MOMMY AND DADDY:

WON'T LET YOU HAVE

THE GOOD STUFF EITHER?

-SHUT YOUR MOUTH, RETARD!

WHOA, WHOA!

GUYS, WE DON'T NEED

ANOTHER "DANGEROUS MINDS."

IT'S ALL GOOD.

SO YOU DO LIKE DONUTS.

SEE, EVERYONE?

MISS LIAO LIKES DONUTS.

OUR TEACHER:

IS TRYING VERY HARD.

YES, I AM.

-THIRSTY.

-GREAT.

WATER.

YOU'D BETTER GET THAT WATER.

MISS LIAO DOES NOT ASK TWICE.

OKAY, I WILL BE BACK.

F***IN' PEOPLE.

DOOR'S LOCKED.

AH.

MUCH APPRECIATED.

HEY, GUYS,

I KNOW IT'S COMMON.

I LOCKED MYSELF:

OUT OF MY ROOM,

SO, UH, WHAT DO WE DO

IN THAT SITUATION?

TOUCHE.

YOUR WATER, PRECIOUS.

GREAT, NOW I CAN

CHECK "GETTING HAZED

BY THE MENTALLY ILL"

OFF MY BUCKET LIST.

GET EXCITED, CLASS.

WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE

A HUGE LESSON,

'CAUSE TODAY WE'RE LEARNING

ABOUT THE HISTORY...

OF COMEDY.

ANY QUESTIONS?

YOU'RE WORSE

THAN MY COUSIN TAN.

HE WAS RETARDED.

...MASTURBATING

THIS MORNING,

AND ON MY WAY HERE,

IT MADE ME KINDA LATE.

SO... THAT HAPPENED.

AH, KNUCKLES.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU CAME

TO FRINGE SHOWS, BUDDY.

YOU KNOW, I MAKE

AN EXCEPTION:

WHEN I'M ON THE FRINGE

OF BEING INTERESTED.

-OH! GOOD ONE.

-THANK YOU.

LOOK, I JUST WANT TO TALK

TO STEPHAN, OKAY?

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S

GETTING MY MESSAGES.

STEPHAN'S NOT HERE.

HE'S LITERALLY

RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

-NO, HE'S NOT.

-JESUS.

IS HE EVEN LISTENING

TO THIS GUY?

-HE'S ABSORBING.

-MAYBE.

-LOOK, I JUST WAN TO TELL HIM

I'M DOING SOME

NEX I'M TAKING THINGS

IN A WHOLE NEW DIRECTION.

OH, THAT'S

A BOY BAND, RIGHT?

PRETTY GOOD ONE.

JUST LET ME--

CALM DOWN, OKAY?

STEPHAN'S GOTTEN

ALL YOUR MESSAGES.

HE JUST DOESN'T WAN TO TALK TO YOU.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT,

KNUCKLES, OSMOSIS?

-WAY TO WORK IN

A CALLBACK.

-OH, THANKS.

HEY, STICK AROUND AND YOU CAN

WATCH A REAL PRO ON STAGE.

-ME.

THANK YOU FOR THA WARM WELCOME.

I APPRECIATE IT.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS,

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT A NEW JOB THAT I GOT.

I'M TEACHING

STAND-UP COMEDY

AT A PSYCHOLOGICAL

COUNSELING CENTER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M TRYING TO TEACH

THE INSANE:

HOW TO BE FUNNIER.

THAT'S LIKE TRYING TO TEACH

THE BLIND HOW TO DRIVE.

I MEAN,

WHAT'S THE POINT?

THERE IS:

AN ASIAN WOMAN THERE

WHO IS COVERED IN CUTS.

I MEAN, SHE'S KIND

OF ATTRACTIVE,

PROVIDED YOUR TURN-ONS

INCLUDE:

A HORRIBLE PERSONALITY

AND KNIFE SKILLS.

SHE IS A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE,

THOUGH, WHICH IS KIND OF COOL.

FIRST ONE I'VE EVER MET.

SHE BURNED HER HUSBAND'S

HOUSE DOWN.

IMAGINE HOW PISSED

YOU WOULD BE:

IF YOU PAID FOR A WOMAN

TO BE SHIPPED FROM CHINA

AND THEN SHE BURNED

YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE DOWN.

SHE "LEFT-EYED" THIS GUY.

THERE'S AN AFGHANISTAN

WAR VE WHO IS A REAL CHARMER,

LET ME TELL YOU.

HE HAS SOME SERIOUS

ANGER PROBLEMS,

BUT HE'S SINGLE,

SO LADIES,

IF YOUR BUCKET LIS INCLUDES DEATH BY

MURDER-SUICIDE,

-I THINK I'VE GOT YOUR GUY.

BUT THE BEST PERSON THERE IS

A BLACK SCHIZOPHRENIC GUY

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