Buddy Solitaire Page #4

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WHO GOT FIRED FROM VONS.

YOU HEAR THAT?

LET'S COUNT ALL THOSE

SHITTY THINGS:

THIS GUY'S DEALING WITH.

I MEAN, HE'S A BLACK GUY.

SORRY, BUT HE'S ALREADY

GOT A FEW STRIKES AGAINST HIM

WITH THAT.

HE'S SCHIZOPHRENIC,

AND HE GOT FIRED FROM VONS!

WHO THE F*** GETS FIRED

FROM A GROCERY STORE?

MY COUSIN IS 14,

AND HE'S A MANAGER THERE.

THE ONLY THING WORSE

THAN THAT IS AN INDIAN

IN A WHEELCHAIR:

SWEEPING UP AT A CASINO.

HE'S SWEEPING!

THEY COULDN'T EVEN

GIVE HIM A JOB DEALING?

SO GUYS, WHEN YOU THINK

YOU GOT IT BAD,

KEEP IN MIND--

YOU'RE DOING ALL RIGHT.

-THANKS, GUYS.

GOOD NIGHT.

HE GOT FIRED FROM VONS.

HOW THE F***

DO YOU GET FIRED--

-IT'S THIS UGLY CAT MEME.

I DON'T KNOW.

MY NIECE SENT IT TO ME.

I'M ACTUALLY JUST GETTING

A TON OF WRITING DONE.

-THAT'S GREAT.

-YEAH.

I TOLD YOU YOU'D FIND

YOUR INSPIRATION.

-YOU WERE RIGHT.

-MM-HMM.

SO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

-HUNGRY.

-OH, LITTLE BABY.

I'M FINE.

-HAVE YOU CHECKED

YOUR MESSAGES?

-NO.

WHEN I'M AT WORK

TYSON SAID,

"DON'T CHECK YOUR PHONE."

-DON'T BE A DICK.

-THAT'S WHAT HE

SOUNDED LIKE.

DON'T BE A DICK.

YOU SHOULD CHECK

YOUR MESSAGES.

-HE'S CALLED

YOUR LAND LINE,

HE'S EVEN CALLED ME.

-STEPHAN MARTIN.

-UH-HUH.

THIS'LL ONLY

TAKE A SECOND.

HEY, THAT WAS

A VERY INTERESTING

PERFORMANCE LAST NIGHT.

YEAH, DID YOU SEE IT OR

DID YOU JUST ABSORB IT?

-HA, HA.

-WILL YOU PLEASE

BE QUIET?

WILL YOU PLEASE:

ADHERE TO YOUR OWN

DHARMA EXPERIENCE?

UH, EVERYTHING OKAY

OVER THERE?

JUST SOME HUMAN SOUL

LOST IN SAMSARA.

SO THAT WAS QUITE

A DARK SET.

-COMPELLING.

-SHH!

-OH, THANKS, MAN.

HEY, LOOK...

I GOT A TON MORE

WHERE THAT CAME FROM,

AND I KNOW YOU GO THE JUBILEE COMING UP, SO...

HEY, WERE THOSE REAL PEOPLE

YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?

UH, YEAH.

WOW. YOU'RE KIND OF

AN EVIL BASTARD.

UH, I GUESS.

THANKS.

YOU NEED TO BE QUIET.

WHAT IF I WAS ON

THE PHONE WITH BUDDHA?

BUDDHA CALLS NOW.

SO DO SHUT UP,

YOU UNENLIGHTENED F***.

ALL PRAISE:

BUDDHA SHAKYAMUNI.

ANYWAY, LET'S SEE WHA YOU CAN DO ON THE JUBILEE

EMERGING STAGE.

NIGHT ONE.

YOU KILL THERE,

AND I'LL BRING YOU BACK

FOR THE COMPETITION.

I WANT TO KISS:

YOUR BALD HEAD.

THANK YOU!

OOH, I'M F***ING THE WORLD!

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I... SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THA TO A SOCIAL WORKER.

AH, I'M STILL F***ING

THE WORLD, THOUGH! OH!

OH-HO, YES!

TO QUOTE THE PROPHE ICE CUBE,

"TODAY IS A GOOD DAY!"

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA TEACH YOU GUYS

A LITTLE COMEDY.

A LITTLE QUID PRO QUO.

WHAT DID WE DO FOR YOU?

-IT IS LATIN.

I THINK.

GUYS, NOT A LANGUAGE CLASS.

OH, LET'S GET BACK

TO OUR LESSON.

WHAT DID YOU GUYS TAKE

FROM THAT JERRY VIDEO?

HIS VOICE SOUNDS

NASAL AND STRANGE.

WELL, I LIKED IT.

I LIKED THE PUNCH LINES.

IT SEEMS LIKE HE THOUGH A LOT ABOUT 'EM.

YEAH.

THAT'S A GOOD

OBSERVATION, BUGG.

HERE'S ONE OF HIS CLASSICS.

"MEN WANT FROM THEIR UNDERWEAR

THE SAME THING THEY WAN FROM THEIR WOMEN--

A LITTLE BIT OF SUPPOR AND A LITTLE BIT OF FREEDOM."

I SAW THAT.

I SAW THAT, MISS LIAO.

YOU LIKED THAT ONE

DIDN'T YOU?

I DIDN'T KNOW THE COMMUNISTS

WERE FANS OF FREEDOM.

I HAVE PRETTY UNDERWEAR.

TARGET.

-OH.

OKAY, WELL,

LET'S NOT SHOW ANYBODY,

ALL RIGHT?

ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO

TALK ABOUT THEIR UNDERWEAR?

OH, I'M SO GONNA

GET FIRED.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S STAR THE LESSON.

HOW DO YOU NOT GE SCARED UP THERE

WHEN EVERYBODY'S

JUDGING YOU?

BELIEVE ME,

YOU'RE SCARED.

ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED.

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA

LEARN TO USE THAT FEAR.

YOU KNOW:

HOW MOMS CAN, LIKE,

LIFT A CAR OFF:

OF THEIR KIDS?

SAME THING WHEN:

YOU'RE ON STAGE, MAN.

WHEN YOU'RE A COMEDIAN,

IT'S KILL OR BE KILLED.

HOW'D YOU GET STARTED

DOING THIS?

I JUST NEEDED SOMETHING

TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER

AFTER MY PARENTS

GOT DIVORCED.

YEAH, MY FOLKS

GOT DIVORCED TOO.

YEAH, PRETTY COMMON.

THAT'S IT, THOUGH.

MY FOLKS DIVORCE

MESSED ME UP.

THAT'S WHAT DROVE ME

INTO THE MILITARY.

YEAH, I COULDN'T GET IN.

-TOO MANLY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GE BACK TO THE LESSON--

YOU KNOW, WE'RE KINDA

EXPERTS ON PAIN.

THAT'S ALL WE FACE,

RIGHT?

THERE'S ALWAYS

SOMETHING MORE.

TELL US.

YOU GUYS WANT TO

HEAR A STORY?

ONE NIGHT, AFTER

MY MOTHER PASSED OUT...

I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM

AND TOOK ABOUT 20 PILLS.

APPARENTLY THAT'S

NOT ENOUGH...

BECAUSE I WOKE UP...

IN THE LONG BEACH CENTER

FOR MENTAL HEALTH.

I WAS THERE:

FOR SIX MONTHS.

THAT PLACE:

IS TERRIBLE.

TAKE THE GLASS:

OUT OF THE MIRRORS,

SO YOU DON' KILL YOURSELF.

FOOD IS TERRIBLE.

JESUS, OLIVER,

YOU WOULD BE SO:

DISAPPOINTED:

IN WHAT THEY CALL

CHICKEN SALAD THERE.

ALL RIGHT...

HOW ABOUT WE LEARN

SOME COMEDY, HUH?

HEY.

HEY, BUDDY.

HEY, MAN.

HEY, THAT WAS...

THAT WAS REALLY COOL OF YOU

TO SHARE THAT WITH US TODAY.

WHAT'S A LITTLE STORY

ABOUT BEING INSTITUTIONALIZED

AMONG FRIENDS?

GOES A LONG WAY,

TRUST ME.

THANKS.

OH, UH--

OH, YES.

WE WERE GONNA GO OVER

YOUR JOKES TODAY, RIGHT?

-SURE.

YOU DON'T, UM...

YOU DON' HAVE YOUR NOTEBOOK

WITH YOU TODAY.

-THE NOTEBOOK THA YOU WRITE IN

AFTER EVERY CLASS?

YEAH, I JUST MUST'VE

FORGOT IT, OKAY?

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

COME ON, HIT ME.

ALL RIGHT.

UM... OKAY.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

HIT ME.

FIND A GOOD ONE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU GONNA LIKE THIS ONE.

THIS IS THE ONE?

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

"ONE COOL THING ABOU BEING SCHIZOPHRENIC IS

YOU NEVER:

HAVE TO BE ALONE.

THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER

VOICE TO TALK TO

IN YOUR HEAD."

OKAY.

THAT SUCKED.

I-- I GOT--

I GOT A BETTER ONE--

IT DIDN'T SUCK.

YOU'RE JUST NO IN THE MOMENT RIGHT NOW.

I GOT AN IDEA,

COME ON.

FOLLOW ME.

TRY YOUR JOKE:

WITH THE BALL.

-YEAH, YEAH.

IT KEEPS YOU:

OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

TRUST ME, IT WORKS.

I USED TO PLAY:

IN GARRY SHANDLING'S

PICK-UP GAMES.

YOU KNOW A LO OF FAMOUS PEOPLE?

HMM.

I'VE BEEN TO THEIR HOUSES.

-OH! NICE!

YOU'RE TERRIBLE

AT BASKETBALL.

-SOCCER'S MORE MY THING.

NO.

JUST RELAX.

WE GOT ALL DAY.

WE GOT ALL DAY, OKAY?

JUST YOU,

THE BALL, THE HOOP.

ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOU BEING SCHIZOPHRENIC IS

YOU NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE.

THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER VOICE

TO TALK TO IN YOUR HEAD.

ESPECIALLY IF ONE OF

THOSE VOICES IS A GIRL.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ONE OF THE VOICES

IN MY HEAD:

IS A GIRL.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES

A DAY I HIT ON MYSELF?

SO MUCH BETTER.

HEY, CAN I ASK YOU

SOMETHING?

-WHY ARE YOU WORKING

SO HARD AT THIS?

I KNOW TOURING COMICS

THAT DON'T PUT IN

THIS MUCH TIME.

MY MOM WANTS:

TO COME SEE ME.

I WANT...

TRINA TO SEE ME:

TELL JOKES.

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH

A LOT.

JUST WANT HER TO BE

PROUD OF ME AGAIN.

LET'S GET YOU

ON STAGE, KID.

-LET'S GE THIS PUT AWAY.

-OKAY.

THANKS FOR:

LISTENING TODAY.

HEY,

NO PROBLEM, MAN.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN

HAVING EPISODES?

ABOUT A YEAR NOW.

I WAS GETTING GOOD GRADES

UP AT CAL POLY:

WHEN... I STARTED

SEEING GHOSTS.

REALLY F***ED ME UP.

WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK

ABOUT THIS.

NO, I NEED TO

TALK ABOUT IT.

-OKAY.

-WHEN IT HAPPENED,

I'D...

SHAKE SO HARD...

THAT MY FRIENDS WOULD CALL ME

"POLAROID PICTURE."

LIKE IN THA OUTKAST SONG?

'CAUSE I'D DO THIS.

PISS IN MY PANTS, TOO.

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