Buddy Solitaire Page #5

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NEVER TOLD ANYBODY THAT.

THAT'S F***ED UP.

I'M SORRY, MAN.

-I KNOW, YOU JUS MET ME, MAN.

-STOP.

DUDE, STOP.

IT'S TOTALLY COOL.

YOU'RE DOING

BETTER NOW, RIGHT?

YOU GOT I UNDER CONTROL.

YEAH... YEAH,

THINGS ARE GOOD NOW.

LET'S GET THIS

PUT AWAY.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED

TO BE HERE AN HOUR AGO!

I'M ON MY WAY.

THANK YOU.

YOU THINK YOU MIGH WANT TO SMOKE LESS?

NO, A**HOLE.

YOUR FATHER USED TO

ASK ME THAT ALL THE TIME.

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA

LEAVE ME OVER THAT, TOO?

PLEASE DON'T TALK

LIKE THAT.

WELL, IF YOU WERE HERE MORE

OFTEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO.

JESUS, I'M HERE

THREE NIGHTS A WEEK.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

HERE, COME SIT WITH ME.

I'LL MAKE POPCORN,

HEAVY WITH BUTTER,

JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.

WHAT AM I, TEN?

YOU THINK I'M NO GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU GROCERIES.

I'LL BE BACK MONDAY.

YOU THINK YOU'RE

BETTER THAN HANNA?

I WAS AT THE TOP.

I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE

CAREER FOR YOU!

I COULD'VE ABORTED YOU!

DON'T TALK TO ME

LIKE THAT.

AND DON'T BOTHER VANESSA

ANYMORE EITHER, OKAY?

OR I'M NOT GONNA

BRING YOU SH*T.

OH.

IT'S SUNDAY.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED

TO BE WITH HANNA?

DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT.

I'D RATHER BE HERE

WITH YOU.

THANK YOU.

-DARRYL'S PIZZA

EMPORIUM.

YOUR FAVORITE.

IT IS MY FAVORITE.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, I TURNS OU I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.

ME NEITHER.

IS IT KINKY:

TO HAVE SEX WITH

A PREGNANT WOMAN?

I'M IN A KINKY

KIND OF MOOD.

THAT'S ACTUALLY

PRETTY GOOD.

THAT YOUR DAUGHTER?

-WHOA, WHOA!

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ACTUALLY

KIND OF PRETTY.

DON'T TELL VANESSA.

I'M NOT PRETTY AT ALL.

YOU ARE.

YOU JUST HIDE IT.

ME, I'M UNDENIABLY UGLY,

SO I CAN'T DO THAT.

DAUGHTER'S PRETTY, TOO.

THANK YOU.

SURE SHE MISSES YOU.

YOU KNOW...

YOU AND I HAVE:

SOMETHING IN COMMON.

WHAT?

"TONG."

I DON'T HIT MY HEAD,

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT I RUIN MY PRETTY FACE.

SO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY?

PRETTY UGLY.

SO HOW'S EVERYTHING

GOING WITH THE GROUP?

YOU KNOW,

THEY'VE GROWN ON ME.

WELL, NOW YOU'VE GO A FEEL FOR THE PLACE,

I WANT TO TELL YOU MY PLANS

ABOUT YOUR WORKSHOP.

STAND-UP COMEDY

IS LIKE PUBLIC SPEAKING.

I WANT YOUR STUDENTS

TO FINISH YOUR CLASS

WITH A SPEECH ENTITLED,

"WHO AM I?"

-SOUNDS EXCITING.

-NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS.

COMEDY CAN BUILD CONFIDENCE,

DON'T YOU THINK?

YES, IT JUST...

SOUNDS A LITTLE ACADEMIC.

REPEAT AFTER ME--

WHO AM I?

WHO AM I?

WHO AM I?

WHO AM I?

WHO AM I?

"WHO AM I?"

IT'S NOT A REQUEST,

BUDDY.

I DO NOT GE THIS GUY.

"

-THAT'S LAME.

AGREED.

WE ALREADY KNOW:

WHO WE ARE.

A BUNCH OF:

ANXIETY-RIDDEN CRAZIES.

HEY, GUYS, COME ON.

BE NICE TO YOURSELVES.

YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.

I MEAN, YOU ARE, ZOE.

OH, SORRY.

JUST A JOKE.

EVERYTHING OKAY?

YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU

LOOKING AT?

YOUR CLASS SUCKS.

ANYWAY--

LOOK, GUYS,

I GET THAT THIS:

ASSIGNMENT IS LAME.

BUT COME ON, LET'S TURN

A NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE.

I THINK I GO A WAY TO GIVE TYSON

EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS,

BUT BETTER.

I'M GONNA TEACH YOU GUYS

THE BIGGEST SECRE OF COMEDY.

IT'S CALLED "PP."

LIKE PEE:

YES!

OLIVER WITH THE JOKE!

DID NOT REALIZE:

HE MADE A JOKE, OKAY.

YES, LIKE PP.

ONCE YOU MASTER THE TWO PS,

YOU WILL KNOW EXACTLY

WHO THE HELL YOU ARE.

WHO THE F*** DO YOU

THINK YOU ARE, HUH?

YOU THINK YOU'RE

"CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN"?

YOU THINK YOU'RE

GONNA SAVE US?

GET THE HELL:

OUT OF MY FACE.

-ZOE.

SHUT UP.

WHATEVER.

I WANT TO LEARN:

ABOUT PP.

ME, TOO.

YOU GUYS HAVE:

SUCH REFINED TASTE.

GOOD COMEDY, GUYS?

HONEST COMEDY?

IT'S "PAINFUL"

AND IT'S "PERSONAL."

YOU GOTTA DIG DEEP, GUYS.

YOU GOTTA GET TO THAT STUFF

THAT PEOPLE CAN RELATE TO.

ANYBODY HAVE A PERSONAL STORY

THEY WANT TO SHARE?

YOU GUYS KNOW:

I'LL WAIT.

HELL, YEAH.

WELL, BEFORE

I GOT DISCHARGED,

I ACTUALLY:

GOT QUARANTINED.

THE ONLY THING:

THAT GOT ME THROUGH

WAS THERE WAS THIS BRITISH

SOLDIER NAMED WINSTON.

HE WAS PARALYZED AND HE WAS

DYING FROM A SHRAPNEL INJURY.

I THOUGHT THIS:

WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

A FUNNY STORY.

ZOE, QUIET.

ANYWAY, HE NEVER LOS HIS SENSE OF HUMOR.

HE'D WAKE UP EVERY

MORNING AND HE'D GO,

YOU KNOW, ELLIOT?

I LOOK 'ROUND HERE,

ALL THESE YOUNG MEN

DYIN' FOR THEIR COUNTRY,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND

REALLY MOVING?

EVERYTHING BUT MY LEGS."

THAT WAS AWESOME.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT?

WHEN I WAS A KID,

I WAS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING--

ROLLER COASTERS,

THE DENTIST,

MY REFLECTION.

I DIDN'T BRUSH MY TEETH

IN FRONT OF THE BATHROOM MIRROR

UNTIL I WAS 23.

I MEAN, I WAS AFRAID

TO MASTURBATE:

UNTIL I TOOK MYSELF

ON A DATE FIRST.

NICE!

WENT A LITTLE DARK.

GOOD WORK, BUGG.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO

TO THE NEXT LESSON.

NOW GET OUTTA HERE.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

BYE, ZOE.

BYE, MISS LIAO.

WHAT, CAN'T GE ENOUGH OF ME?

WHAT ARE YOU:

LOOKIN' AT?

A COMPUTER SCREEN.

I'M IM-ING MY FIANCEE,

IS THAT OKAY?

AH, YEAH.

EVERYTHING OKAY?

"FLOWERGIRL81."

IS THAT HER?

YEAH.

WHAT KIND OF NAME

IS "FLOWERGIRL81"?

IT'S A GOOD NAME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

IM:

WOMEN NEED:

LOVE AND AFFECTION...

I THINK.

YOU'RE NO IN AFGHANISTAN ANYMORE.

NO, I'M GOING TO

AN ANXIETY WORKSHOP

IN KOREATOWN:

FIVE DAYS A WEEK.

YEAH.

AND YOU'RE DOING

REALLY GOOD.

HELL OF A COCKNEY ACCENT.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME

YOU SAW HER?

A WHILE.

LET ME TRY SOMETHING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

TRUST ME.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

IT'S A JOKE.

LOOK, I KNOW,

IT'S NOT MY BEST,

BUT IT'S SERVICEABLE.

SEE?

SERVICEABLE.

FEEL FREE TO LEAVE

A MESSAGE.

I PROBABLY WON' LISTEN TO IT.

NAMASTE.

STEPHAN!

HEY, IT'S BUDDY.

VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE JUBILEE,

THANK YOU AGAIN.

I TWEAKED MY SET A BIT.

PROBABLY NOT DOING THAT STUFF

ABOUT THE CRAZY PEOPLE,

SO... YEAH.

BUT I WILL SEE YOU SOON.

BUDDY, I NEED YOU.

WHERE ARE YOU?

COME ON, MA,

LET'S GO HOME.

LET'S GO HOME.

THAT'S THE LAST TIME.

SHE'S NOT ALLOWED

BACK IN HERE.

F*** OFF, YOU C*NT.

DO YOU KNOW:

WHO THE HELL I AM?

YEAH, I KEEP TELLING YOU--

A HAS-BEEN B*TCH.

-F*** YOU!

-OKAY, CUT THA SH*T OUT.

-WE'RE LEAVING.

-YEAH, GET HER

OUTTA HERE.

-F*** YOU, DOUCHEBAG.

-YEAH, YEAH, STAR WALKING, BUDDY.

OKAY, WE ARE, WE ARE.

MA, TURN AROUND!

F*** HIM.

I'M HANNA BALES.

DOES HE KNOW:

I'M HANNA BALES?

I THINK HE'S AWARE

OF IT, MOM.

WHAT THE HELL:

WERE YOU THINKING?

SCHWARTZ:

CAN EAT MY SH*T.

FOUR SOLD-OUT NIGHTS,

GOD DAMN IT.

I WROTE FOR HIM.

HE OWES ME.

LET'S GET YOU

CLEANED UP.

YOU FEEL BETTER?

WE'RE NEVER GOING BACK

TO THAT SHITHOLE.

ACTUALLY, I'M GOING

BACK TOMORROW.

I GOT INTO THE JUBILEE.

THANK YOU FOR:

THE GREAT SETUP.

HOW DID YOU GE THAT GIG?

I DON'T KNOW,

I WROTE SOME NEW JOKES.

ARE YOU TRYING:

TO LEAVE ME?

MA, I'M NOT LEAVING YOU.

I THINK YOU'RE

LEAVING ME ALONE,

YOU SON OF A B*TCH,

-YOU D*CKHEAD.

-STOP IT,

THAT'S MY BOOK.

HERE'S WHAT I THINK

OF YOUR JOKES.

MA, STOP IT!

THIS IS THE QUEEN.

YOU OWE THE QUEEN.

I WAS AN IDIOT TO THINK

YOU'D EVER BE PROUD OF ME.

OH, F*** YOU.

HMM.

YEAH, KNUCKLES CAN

TAKE CARE OF THAT.

-STEPHAN.

-I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

IGNORE MY MESSAGE.

I'M NOT CHANGING THE SET.

YOU CHANGE THE SET, BUDDY,

YOU'RE OUT OF THE JUBILEE.

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