Bulletproof Monk

(MEN GRUNTING)

(SPEAKING TIBETAN)

(SPEAKING TIBETAN)

MASTER MONK:
of my destiny

and the beginning of yours.

When you first came to me,

you were the most undisciplined

youth I had ever laid eyes on.

And yet you proved yourself worthy

to be the next guardian.

You have fulfilled

the three noble prophesies.

You defeated an army of enemies

while a flock of cranes circled above.

And then you battled for love

in the Palace of Jade.

And finally,

you freed brothers you never knew

with the family you never had.

Now you must make the final sacrifice.

You must give up your name.

I have already forgotten it, Master.

(DOOR BANGS SHUT)

The Scroll of the Ultimate.

Whoever reads its words

out loud in their entirety

will gain the power to control the world

and turn it into a paradise or a living hell.

Mankind is not ready for so much power

and may never be.

That is why it is our duty

to protect the scroll

from being read by anyone,

including ourselves.

(MONKEY SCREECHES)

Five times the Year of the Ram has passed

since I became the next

from my honored predecessor,

and his master before him,

and so on, and so on.

I have been protecting

the scroll for 60 years.

Now it is your turn.

(WIND HOWLING)

It is done.

The next 60 years should be

very interesting for you.

(SOLDIERS SPEAKING GERMAN)

It's time for me to do

what I've always wanted to do

ever since those pesky British

showed up in 1904.

What's that, Master?

Take a vacation.

(MACHINE GUNS FIRING)

(MEN SHOUTING)

The scroll.

You must protect scroll.

Master! Master!

(MEN SHOUTING)

Stay hidden, no matter what.

Go!

My brother monks,

you have seen the destructive power

which is mine to command.

I also have the power

to leave this blessed monastery in peace.

Enjoy your vacation, Master.

I trust you will do what's best for all of us

and step aside.

No?

(SOLDIER ORDERS IN GERMAN)

SOLDIER:
Fire!

The scroll.

(SOLDIER SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

(MACHINEGUN FIRING)

(CRASHING)

(GROANING)

Okay, let's go in.

Anybody home?

(MONKEY CHATTERS)

I don't like monkeys.

The scroll.

You may be good

but you are not bulletproof.

Monk?

Monk?

Monk?

Monk!

Monk!

(TRAIN HORN BLARES)

Rush hour.

(DIAMONDS AND GUNS PLAYING)

I'm sorry. I'll get that. Sorry.

No problem.

Sorry.

You picked the wrong pocket

to pick, prick!

Sorry about that, Officer.

Nice cuffs.

Officer needs assistance.

Six-foot Caucasian male,

black leather jacket.

Heading north, Bishop Square.

On my way.

Do you see him?

Yep. Got him.

Okay. Get in position. Wait for my move.

Confirming visual on the target.

I got him at 9:
00.

Pick him up. We have a go.

Approaching target now.

Hey!

Go, go, go!

The target is on the run.

Don't let him get away!

COP:
Hey! Stop!

Bishop Square platform. Officer in pursuit!

Hey, man, what's up?

Out of my way, punk! Knock it off!

Coming through!

Get out of the way!

Katie!

Mommy!

Oh, my God. Somebody get her!

MAN:
How'd she get in there?

Katie!

Let's get out of here. Let's go!

Somebody help.

She's stuck. Grab her leg.

Mommy.

It's gonna be okay.

Do it!

MOTHER:
Oh, my God!

Get her out of there!

(TRAIN APPROACHING)

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay, baby.

Get ready to pull!

KAR:
You son of a b*tch.

You just lost my whole stash.

Be happy. You helped save a human life.

Yeah, well, last time I checked

there's no reward for that.

Tell me, how did you do that back there?

Practice.

(SCOFFS)

Who the hell are you, anyway?

That's not the question you need to ask.

You should be asking yourself

who you are.

Your mind is filled with compassion.

That's why you risked your life

to help the child.

But your mind is also impure.

So you forget the spiritual reward

and think only of the financial.

Well, if you're so pure,

why were all those guys in suits

chasing you?

It doesn't concern you.

Let me guess, FBI, CIA, INS.

I said it doesn't concern you.

Unbelievable.

I'm sorry!

Every man's life

concerns every other man,

especially if he is on the noble path

to true enlightenment.

Can you accept my apology?

Apology accepted.

Thanks for helping me.

No problem, man.

You're boosting in the wrong turf!

Get your punk ass over here.

Finger man here calls himself Kar.

He got caught ripping off marks

at the Bishop Square subway station.

Funktastic's the name

and profit's the game.

See, I'm a businessman.

And my fiscal policy toward crime

consists of two words,

zero tolerance.

Unless, of course, the criminal in question

has an officially authorized franchise.

And you ain't got one.

I'm supposed to pay you

for the right to rip people off?

MAN:
That's right.

60% off the top.

This entitles you to squatter's rights

in Mr. Funktastic's cribs,

chow at his greasy spoons,

and protection provided by Mr. Funktastic

and his crew.

And that's us.

KAR:
You know, it's really enticing.

But if this is an example

of a Funktastic crib,

I'm gonna check myself into a Motel 6.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's good.

Pretty funny.

You'd be a corpse already, mate,

if not for the fact

I heard you're

an exceptionally good earner.

Maybe I heard wrong.

In which case, you're nothing to me, mate.

You're less than nothing.

Around here,

less than nothing means dead.

You heard right about me.

I just I need some time

to think over your offer.

In the meantime, take this.

It's okay.

An offer of good faith.

What do you think I am, Kar,

a bloody tourist?

You come down here and try and palm

that made-in-a-Bangkok-sweatshop

piece of sh*t off on me?

You got big orchestras, mate.

Too bad I have to cut them off.

I have no idea what you just said.

Your balls.

He's gonna cut off your balls.

Cut him, Diesel.

He's mine.

Come on, shorty!

You done messed up, bro.

You're in for a treat now, boy.

You know what it's all about.

Jesus!

(TALL CANS IN THE AIR PLAYING)

What the hell are you looking at?

You're just so damn beautiful,

especially when you're angry.

That's my bird.

MASTER MONK:
He will defeat

an army of enemies

while a flock of cranes circles above.

Impossible.

Besides,

he's going to lose.

Get up, boss, get up!

Come on, man!

Come on, Mr. F, take him!

Get it?

Got him.

Yeah, where you going now, baby?

He's kind of nice.

Yeah, work it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Sh*t.

You're over!

Got no fancy sh*t now, huh?

It is over.

Hey, come on.

I'm bored with beating on this loser.

Besides, fighting always gets me hot.

Lucky for you,

this little bit of crumpet's come begging

for some of my funktastic love.

Me or my people ever see you boosting

in our territory again, mate,

I'm gonna snip your Hampton clean off,

mince it up and serve it as a shish kebab.

Now piss off.

(SIREN WAILING)

Congratulations on your victory.

Though, technically,

you were saved by a girl.

It was your charm

that convinced the girl to lead them away.

Hey, Mr. Do-gooder, if you were watching

the whole thing back there,

how come you didn't help me out?

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