Bunny and the Bull

For sometime now Stephen Turnbull

has been a man of routine.

Everyday he showers for 27 minutes...

brushes for 4...

gargles for 8...

and flosses for 7.

He then files the floss...

stacks his urine...

and notes its pH

Next he washes everything

that has so far touched his body

completes a 200-page book

of bumper crosswords

and watches 8 episodes of

Ray Mears' Extreme Survival on video tape.

Remember, you should always

carry a parachute.

Then it's time for lunch.

Everyday

Stephen eats the same meal-

a freeze-dried vegetarian lasagne,

hermetically sealed

for maximum life expectancy

But today something is different

Today there is a break in his

carefully-orchestrated routine.

Today Stephen will attempt to do

something he hasn't done

for over a year.

Today...

Stephen will try to leave the house.

Ahoy there, matey,

and welcome to Captain Crab.

He sails the 7 seas

so you don't have to,

bringing you the freshest produce

which will have you hooked, line and sinker.

Before we hoist anchor,

tell me your name, sailor.

- Stephen Turnbull.

- And where do you hail from?

King's Cross, London,

N1 9KM.

Would you like to order fish-

such as cod, sole, haddock

halibut, mackerel, catfish, krill...

No.

Would you like to order crustacean-

such as crab, lobster, prawn, scallop...

No.

Would you like to order

the vegetarian option?

Yes.

Great choice, shipmate.

Today's vegetarian option is...

Mixed vegetables.

Sounds delicious!

There's nothing that

the Captain likes more

than to chow down

on a hearty plate of...

Mixed vegetables.

My personal favourite!

To complete the order, just say

"Feed me."

What?

Say "Feed me."

Say "Feed me."

Say "Feed me."

Say "Feed me."

Feed me.

We surely will, shipmate.

Now relax,

your order is sailing your way

Welcome to Captain Crab, sir.

Please take a seat.

Hey dude.

You look gorgeous.

She's gonna love you.

This is it?

What?

You told me you'd booked me a table

in a world-class seafood restaurant.

- And?

- This place is a dump.

What the f*** are you talking about?

It's incredible. I eat here all the time.

I've been waiting for this day

for 3 years, Bunny.

I'm hardly going to tell Melanie I love her

in a Captain Crab.

Hey, come on.

I've saved you the best table

in the house, buddy.

Hit the lights, Ray.

Now, listen to me.

You're ready, all right? You're gorgeous.

You've carried this girl's

library books for 3 years.

You've even got a PhD to impress her,

for God's sake.

If this piece of chicken

don't wanna work your joint after that,

I'll cut off my right nut.

Thank you.

F*** her, dude.

The "Friend Zone".

Well, it was 3 years.

In my book, if you haven't had snogsies

by closing time it's game over.

Maybe there's a way back.

No way back from the Friend Zone,

dude.

She doesn't see you as a sexual being.

- But I am one.

- I know.

I think you're gorgeous.

So do loads of girls, just...

not in Britain.

That's why we need to hit the road, man.

Find ourselves a country

where you can do something about

those walloping great Space Hoppers

you've got clanging around in your pants.

I'm having a year off sex.

Another one?

Come on, man, give yourself a break.

Let's go on holiday.

I thought you were broke.

All that's about to change.

Who have you got in the 3:40 at Ripon?

Future Proof.

Atlantis Rising.

- Are you mentally ill?

- That horse is a shoe-in.

I know that horse.

It's 50-1 for a reason.

Well...

- Is this the Heindberg Theory again?

- No.

There's no way the jockey with

the most aggressive face always wins.

All right, you were right.

I've accepted that now, thank you.

But this is a bona fide tip.

Masouda reckons he's a dead cert.

Who's Masouda?

Remember when I was in the Yemen?

Masouda's this really sexy

stable girl out there.

And she says in training he's dynamite.

They've been slow running him

just to get the odds up.

And this is the race

they're gonna let that donkey fly.

- Isn't that illegal?

- Massively illegal, dude.

We'll probably go to jail. That's the point.

Think about it - 50 quid at 50-1 .

That's 2-and-a-half grand.

Easily enough for a little jaunt round

Europe for a couple of fellas like us.

All right, yeah, 50 quid on the nose.

That's my boy.

Last bets, please.

Last bets for the 3:40 at Ripon.

When were you in the Yemen?

Last summer.

I thought you were on a fishing boat.

Yeah... fishing boat in the Yemen.

Right.

The song that Yemenese fisher folk sing

almost constantly as they labour.

Yeah. Good tune, that.

How did it go?

Wahey... fishy-fishy

Come onto the boat

Please come on

To the boat... why?

I don't know

Because we are hungry for our...

- There is no Masouda, is there?

- No.

- Ever been to the Yemen?

- No.

- This is the Heindberg Theory again.

- Fine, yes. But look at his face.

That is one mean motherf***er.

There's the 50-1 outsider, Atlantis Rising,

trying to get to know the favourite,

who doesn't seem to be having it

And they're off.

A clean start apart from Atlantis Rising,

who seems stuck

but finally gets underway

The running's being made

by Future Proof,

followed by Henley's A Washout

and Doodlebug Dreamer,

while Atlantis Rising brings up the rear.

As they head to the first fence,

Future Proof is pulling away from

Henley's A Washout and Woggletok

while the little fancied Atlantis Rising is

some way back and out of the running.

Useless. He's way back!

They haven't let him fly yet.

They haven't let him fly.

...between himself and the field

Atlantis Rising struggling way back

- Come on!

- Come on!

... whip has had an immediate effect

A sterling run from Atlantis Rising,

moving up through the field

to join the front runners.

Almost neck and neck

with Future Proof.

One more! One more!

Hit him harder!

Coming up to the 2nd to last

They land neck and neck

The favourite is pulling away again.

Future Proof has pulled away

- Don't do that.

- Come on. Come on.

Barring a miracle, it looks like

the favourite has won this race.

He's down!

- Future Proof's down!

-He's fallen,

leaving a clear run now for the

who has taken the spoils.

Yeah!

We did it, man! We did it!

We did it. We did it.

They're not gonna put that

other horse to sleep, are they?

No. God, no, it's not the '60s.

They don't do that any more.

Come on, why don't we grab a drink

while they count our cash?

There we go.

Where's your luggage?

You're an idiot.

The book says there are 31 essentials

you should always have about you.

Money belt, passport, tickets, camera,

bug spray, sun cream, flashlight, string,

waterproof matches, lighter, tripod,

life jacket, compass, maps, spare string,

sleeping bag, ground sheet,

bivouac, jerry can,

first-aid kit, loo roll,

spade, strong string,

water pills, galoshes

and a personal flare.

- Got any string?

- Yeah.

Got plenty, actually.

That's very funny. Very good.

Fancy a tinny? A going-away present

from Captain Crab.

- That's nice.

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