Bunny and the Bull Page #2

- When I say present...

- You nicked them.

- I did.

No, I'll make one of my cocktails.

Not one of those things.

- I thought you said you liked them.

- Yeah, but they take ages.

So?

By the time you've finished making that,

I will already be drunk.

Care to make it interesting?

Yeah, fiver.

OK.

Hey, look.

We're moving.

Cheers.

Alka-Seltzer.

What's this for?

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to France.

Mesdames et messieurs,

bienvenue en France.

Yes!

F*** you, England!

They are good, actually.

I'm gonna have a little doze.

- Where are we?

- Belgium.

Europe is our oyster.

Oysters!

I need a bacon sandwich.

So, come on, where do you fancy?

This is your holiday, buddy.

I'm just your wing man.

Then you are in for a treat.

This is 1,500 pages of pure fun.

Come on, girls, join us.

Hi, Melanie.

Great.

We're having a really wonderful time,

me and Bunny.

I wondered what you were...

what you're up to.

Who with?

You know,

I'm not really worried about it or...

All right, well...

I'll leave you with

a wish of a great evening.

And...

Bye.

Hang on!

Bunny!

I said hang on! What's your beef?

It's our stop.

All right, I'm just finishing.

My God!

Finished!

This better be good.

From the early sandal

to the latest hi-tech trainer,

shoes have always been

top of the world's agenda.

It's a big subject.

There's obviously a hell of a lot to get

through in the next 3 or 4 hours,

so let's start off with some of the basics.

What is a shoe?

Well, it's a hot topic

and no doubt that debate will rage on.

But I find it's best to take things...

one step at a time.

Cobblers.

Mind my language,

but we are in the cobbler's workshop...

what I like to call the heart and sole

of the shoe museum.

All kinds of shoe are made here.

How many different types

can you name?

Let's kick off with a couple.

Clogs, moccasins,

brogues, deck shoes,

loafers, winklepickers...

Are you having fun?

Yes.

You don't look like you're having fun.

Well, I am.

...rugby shoes, lacrosse shoes,

ping-pong shoes...

- What do you want to do?

- Eat.

Fine. There's a place downstairs where

we can dine like 19th-century cobblers.

Why would I want to do that?

So you can learn while you eat.

The only thing I want to learn

is just how much bacon

one man can shovel into his cake hole

without falling into a coma.

I should've gone to Denmark.

Is a ski a shoe?

Well, there are 2 camps-

the "yes" camp,

and the "probably not" camp.

If I'm such a dead weight, why not

just go to Denmark without me?

I'm not saying that.

This is your holiday, buddy.

I just think we need to

chance our arms a bit.

Whatever you say.

Right, give me your map.

Now, this is where we're eating.

How about that?

Welcome to Captain Crab. He sails

the 7 seas so you don't have to.

My name is Eloisa.

May I take your order, please?

Yes, I'll have one

Harbour Master's Delight...

Hello, Captain Crab.

F*** you, Pawel, you son of a goat!

You donkey f***er!

You bald-faced f***!

I'm going to chop off your penis

and put it in a sandwich.

Then I will make an omelette

with your balls and feed it to you,

so you know what your balls taste like

in an omelette...

which is sh*t!

I hope your father dies of cancer

and your mother explodes

with a terrible period!

the deep-fried calamari

and a cod shake.

option.

No, Pawel, I'm leaving.

I've spent 2 months working

in your shitty restaurant,

where the fish comes from a canal and

the chef pisses in the vegetarian option.

And then you cheat on me!

F*** you, you bald,

f***ing stumpy-dick monkey!

Sorry. What was that?

I'll just have a glass

of tap water, please.

OK, let's go.

She just argued with her boyfriend.

This is Captain Crab, dude.

He has standards.

That was prompt.

They make all the food on Monday

and keep it warm.

You can't eat that.

- Who says I can't?

- Look at it.

I don't want to look at it.

If I look at it, I will bottle it.

Look at it. It's trying to

move on your fork. Look at it.

My God!

I think it's trying

to communicate with me.

I really think we should go.

Bunny!

Hang on a minute.

These fellas look all right.

I'm not gonna watch you kill a crab.

I'm not gonna kill 'em.

I've got a better idea.

Trzy, dwa, jeden...

Come on!

Yeah!

You should go talk to her.

What?

She was looking at you.

No, I don't think that she was.

Well... Come on,

you f***ing lazy crustacean!

Yeah, well, maybe I'll just get some air.

Sorry, sorry.

Excuse me.

Do you have a light?

What?

Do you have a light?

Fuego?

- Yes.

Yes, I do, actually, as a matter of fact.

Yeah.

If you ever want any welding done...

Welding?

It's when you join bits of metal together.

Why would I want to do that?

No, you wouldn't.

It was more about the...

I was referring to the blowtorch.

It was a... joke.

It was very funny.

Can I borrow that?

So... do you...

go out after work?

Is that the sort of thing you do?

Are you going to go to a bar or anything?

- No.

- Good.

Good.

I'm going back home to Spain

for a fiesta.

Tonight?

Yeah.

I don't know how I'm going to get there.

But I will.

Fiesta is wild.

People come from miles around

to see the bullfighting.

And they go crazy.

They drink a lot, they dance a lot.

They make poo, they make wee.

They make love in the street.

Yeah.

It sounds awful.

Well... it's a good thing

I didn't invite you along, then.

But I mean it sounds fascinating,

anthropologically.

Anthropologically, it's incredible.

Well...

I'd better be going.

See you around.

"See you around"?

You were gone for ages.

I thought you were getting your balls in.

What are you still doing here?

You should be halfway to Spain by now.

- What could I have done?

- Got a car, given her a lift.

How would I get a car?

Leave that to me.

- Bunny...

- Hush now! You're in disgrace.

Right!

Which one of you tinpot Polacks

wants to raise the stakes?

Jedz.

I need f***ing lemon! Lemon!

Just one more.

Come on!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Who's your daddy?

I didn't want a car.

You don't know what you want.

All right now. Just be cool.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Fancy a lift?

- We thought we'd check out the fiesta.

I thought you didn't like wine or

dancing or making love in the street.

We've had enough of the crabs.

We wanna bet on the bulls.

Yes.

OK.

Thanks.

All right, dude, relax.

- Talk to her. You'll be fine.

- OK.

Just don't go into another long rant

about the demise of the semicolon.

Right.

Girls don't like grammar chat.

You know that now.

And try and keep your lips moist.

You have a tendency to get very dry

around the mouth area.

Do I?

Try not to do that thing you do

when you're nervous,

when you clear your throat all the time.

- What do you mean?

- You know.

"Hello, my name's Stephen."

I don't do that.

You do do that, dude. Sorry.

But whatever you do,

don't go into the Friend Zone.

What's the Friend Zone?

It's nothing to worry about.

Right... let's see what this baby can do.

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