Burglar Page #4

you can drink

and not get drunk.

Is that a fact?

I read it in

wall street journal.

"Tips for executives

who entertain a lot."

What are you doing?

Putting it back.

You already opened it.

We have to pay for it.

I don't understand you.

You'd, like, steal

the Chrysler building,

but now we got to pay

for olive oil?

It's not what you steal,

it's who you steal from.

let's go dancin'

let's go dancin'

dancin' on the ceiling

kir royale,

please.

Think we stick out

in here?

What will it be?

Cranberry juice.

I'll have

a kir royale.

Just keep them coming.

I'll have, like,

a bucket of them.

Carl, Carl,

cool out.

Give him

one kir royale.

You got it.

What is wrong

with you?

I feel like I'm

at an amway convention.

Will you stop?

So many guys

come in here.

He looks

a little familiar.

Look real close.

You never went out with him?

Hi, ladies.

How are you today?

I'm drinking

the kir royale here.

Perhaps I could

buy you--

you're already

drinking something.

You probably don't want

to drink with me, huh?

What are you doing when you're

not driving young guys wild?

Was there

any one person,

any one

specific person?

Nah. always

somebody different.

He got more ass

than a toilet seat.

That is beautiful.

Guys, too,

if you ask me.

My name's

Carl hefler!

I'm a gemini.

I lost my keys

to my BMW.

You didn't see them,

did you?

Let's cut this sh*t.

Would you like to go

wah wah wah with me?

Are you guys cops?

Mm-hmm.

I knew it.

I f***in' knew it!

The minute you walked in,

i knew it.

Really? my god.

Well, you see

that guy over there?

That's my partner,

and he is head

of homicide.

No sh*t.

Whoo!

ooh, yeah

I never thought

i would see it

now I know

that you were right

excuse me.

Bartender?

Can I get

3 black Russians.

Make that 4.

You want

4 black Russians?

Ok!

I would like to purchase

4 black Russians!

I've got a new way

of livin'

now that I'm

here with you

how's that olive oil

working?

I don't know, man.

Get away.

Leave me alone.

Get away.

I open at 9:
00.

tough guys don't dance

they know it all

give them a chance

tough guys don't dance

they know it all

mind if we join you?

Just as long

as you're not

a couple

of f***ing dentists.

With a guy

like Christopher,

he was like a bird,

you know?

You can't own him.

You just hope he'll

fly by and see you

every now and then.

You know what?

What?

You two smell

like a salad.

I think

i ought to go.

Get in.

Get in.

Watch your head.

Take him home.

Sure.

Night, Carl.

Good night.

You know what?

You look a little bit

like Elvis Presley.

Not when he was fat

and on drugs,

but, like,

before all that.

Um...where to?

Home.

Where's home?

How about we drive around?

I know I can pick it out.

It's got, like, a mailbox.

When a guy can screw

any woman he meets,

he winds up not having

too many friends.

Maybe he's too busy.

Maybe other men

don't like it.

I'd vote for jealousy,

if I voted.

I don't vote.

What about this artist

you mentioned, grambo?

Graybow.

Graybow.

"Gray" and then

like "bow."

Graybow.

Graybow.

Graybow always had

a lot of cash,

loved to grab a check.

I guess he sold

a lot of paintings.

Christopher

was friendly with him.

And knobby,

the bartender.

The three of them

would sit up there

at the bar

in a tight little huddle.

Sometimes they'd

talk all night.

Knobby

tends bar here?

Yeah, but I ain't

seen him

in a couple

of days--nights.

Happen to know

his real name?

You got me.

He's a real scumball

anyhow.

He's got no hair.

He's bald.

Uh, is there

anybody else

you can

think of,

anybody at all?

I can name

40 women he knew.

No.

You're not interested

in women?

Just the men.

Short list.

Look...

This is real

important to me.

Just think hard.

Please try.

That's not really

my forte.

Oh, yeah.

Here's Johnny.

He's an executroid.

A what?

You know

the bar Parkers?

Yeah, on 5th.

Yeah.

He was one of those

a 3-piece executroids

that hang out there.

Christopher always

called him Johnny.

"Here's Johnny!"

He'd say.

Happen to catch

his real name?

No, not interested.

What line of work

are you in?

I'm a cat burglar.

No sh*t.

What do you

do with them?

What?

The cats.

I hold them for ransom.

Is there any money in that?

Oh, Jesus.

Look who's asking if there's

any money in p*ssy.

[Knock on door]

Open up! Police!

[Knocking]

[Knocking]

Open up, please.

Police.

[Knocking]

Shut up!

Blah...

I'm coming.

Blah...

Ah! hi.

You're Carl hefler?

I am hefler.

Jesus.

Do you know

a bernice rhodenbarr?

No.

She broke into this man's

apartment and stabbed him.

She did?

Uh-huh.

We'd like to talk

to you about that.

But first we'd like you

to go brush your teeth.

If he's a

professional artist

living and working

in the bay area,

he'll be in here.

Thanks.

his name is graybow.

I know, dear,

i know.

Hmm.

Is, uh...This for sale?

It is.

Because I need something

to go over my bed.

Graybow. here it is,

right here.

Oh, really?

Thank you.

Thanks.

Charley Weaver,

Wally Cox,

Paul lynde.

Apparently,

there's something

a little bit

more mysterious

about

the secret squares

than we're ever led

to believe,

and I'm asking you,

cop, dude guy,

I want some answers

from you now pronto!

Oh, beautiful!

I'm bugged.

I'm being bugged.

Don't touch that. You signed

a release form for that.

So?

this is bullshit.

You're driving

me nuts.

Don't look at me

you're such

a condescending f***--

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

When I said that,

I was smirking

a little.

Are you ok?

I'm worried about you?

I'm fine. Thank you.

Do you know

that policemen

have the highest

rate of suicide?

So you think

I'm f***ed up,

you better

be careful yourself.

Someday, boom!

In the closet.

That will be great

for your children

to find a big,

dead, old, fat cop.

You know

why I'm here?

It's because

I'm a black man

in a white man's

world!

You're a Caucasian,

Mr. hefler.

Beautiful! throw that

in my face, too!

And I...

And I look

like sh*t.

All right!

You got any mousse?

How's it going?

Not so good.

I can see

people in there.

It's looks like

a people aquarium.

Let him go

as soon as possible.

Hello!

Hey, what's

happenin', man?

I'm looking

for the apartment

of rayneta moody.

Oh!

What the f*** you

doing out there?

What the f***

is wrong with you?

What are you doing

to my f***in' door?!

I told you--

what are you doing

to my door?

I'm going to be ill soon.

Unless I get a glass

of water,

I'm going to vomit

all over you--

no, no,

don't throw up.

Hold it.

Goddamn junkies.

Egads, man, I was

just cruisin' by.

I'm looking

for rayneta moody

because they told me to

bring the stuff over here.

You probably

was real nervous

when you opened the door

and checked my ass out,

but I figured 5-0-0,

how many could there be?

Just drink it, shut up,

and get out.

No problem, man,

no problem.

Wow! this is really hip.

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