Burn After Reading Page #3

what you said.

Agent.

Your call is important to us. Please stay

on the line for the next available agent.

Ted, can I talk to you about

our Mickey Mouse HMO?

- Uh-huh. Hang on.

- This is some heavy sh*t.

- Is that my date list?

- No... f***...

You know, I'm trying to reinvent myself

and these procedures,

which are so incredibly not cheap...

What is that?

I can't believe this...

This is like... intelligence sh*t.

- I'm not comfortable with this.

- What is it?

This is, like, I can't believe

this sh*t I'm seeing!

- Manolo found it.

- On the floor there.

Yeah. Manolo found this, like, CD,

just lying in a locker.

- Locker floor. Ladies' locker.

- Jus lie-een there.

And I'm like, Whoa, someone's music

or what. And I come in here

- ...and it's these files, man.

- I'm not comfortable with this.

Talking about SigInt,

and signals and sh*t and...

- Signals means code, you know?

- It was jus lie-een there.

Talking here about department heads

and the names and sh*t

and these other files are just,

like, numbers Arrayed.

Numbers and dates,

and numbers and numbers,

and dates and numbers, and

I think that's the sh*t, man.

The raw intelligence!

I'm not touching this.

I want this out of here.

- Throw it out?

- No, you can't do that.

You should put up a note

in the ladies' locker room.

Put up a note?

Highly classified sh*t found?

Signals intelligence sh*t, CIA sh*t?

Hello! Anybody lose their secret

CIA sh*t? I don't think so!

I don't know you figure it out,

but I'm not comfortable with this.

And I want this out of Hardbodies.

We're running a gym here. God!

Manolo, you didn't find this!

- I found it on the floor there.

- Yeah, I know, but...

Right there, on the floor there.

Just lie-een there.

- Harry?

- Yeah, it's me.

xxx

- Absolut Saketini, please.

- Just a tab.

But if I get any advance

on my salary

I could at least

get the surgery ball rolling.

Whoa, there's a payroll company,

you know?

They don't just advance people money.

They just don't do that.

I mean, sure, I could say, yes,

I authorized it,

but that's not going to mean

anything to them.

Well why do they have us on

this Cockamamie health plan?

I need these surgeries, Ted!

You're a beautiful woman.

You don't need---

I have gone just as fas

as I can go with this body

I think it's a beautiful---It's not

a phoney-baloney Hollywood body.

That's right, Ted.

I would be laughed out of Hollywood.

I have very limited breasts and

a gi-normous ass and I have this gut

that swings back and forth in front of me

like a shopping cart with a bent wheel.

You know there's a lot of guys,

whou'd like you just the way you are.

Yeah---losers!

- I don't know, I mean am I a loser?

- Oh, Ted.

You know I wasn't always a manager

at Hardbodies. Lemme tell you...

Let me show you something.

Is that you?

Fourteen years a Greek Orthodox priest.

Congregation in Chevy Chase.

That's a good job.

What happened?

It's a long story.

Anyway, many ways i'm a lot happier now.

My point is...

My point is... it's a journey.

That's my point!

I don't wanna stay where I am!

I want to find someone

to share my journey!

You know, sometimes, if you don't look

in your own backyard, you're never---

I Know. That's why I've started

this internet dating.

Uh-huh, but what I'm saying is maybe,

you know, you don't have...

Look, Ted, I know that you can't

authorize an advance on my salary,

but you could put in a request,

can't you?

It's not going to do

any good, Linda.

Oh, Ted, have you ever heard of

the power of positive thinking?

Harry?

It's Monica.

Well, hello.

Maybe I can get a run in.

Hello.

Omygod!

- Omygod!

- Shh!

- Omygod! Oh my god!

- You know what time it is?

Uh-huh. So, like, I couldn't call you

on your totally unsecure phone,

but I know who the guy is.

- The guy?

- The guy. The secret guy.

So is he high up?

I don't know if he's high... probably!

I mean, I got his name, not his rank.

- So what's his name?

- Osbourne Cox.

Never heard of him.

Oh, like you're so plugged in to

the intelligence community.

I'm just sayig

to the layman---

I think the quality of the intelligence

dictates how high up he is.

- Okay.

- Not what we know.

I also---do you have any water?

I gotta hydrate.

- I've got tapwater.

- Are you kidding?

- How do you know who he is?

- Sources.

- What do you mean, "sources"?

- You have like Gatorade or..?

Anything besides,

like Mariland swamp water?

- You know how far this is from my...

- How do you know his name?

I got this geek friend, Ernie Gallegos.

He does computer stuff,

hooks up people's computers

and programs their VCRs'n' sh*t.

So he examines the files and

he pulls off a digital watermark,

which tells you what computer

was created on.

- F***ing child's play for Ernie.

- Uh-huh.

And...

- I got his number! I got his number!

- Omygod!

That was a bit more difficult.

Shall we give him a tinkle?

Omygod...

Why?

Cause he's gonna wanna know

that his sh*t is secure.

He's gonna be relieved. He might even be

so relieved, that he gives us a reward.

I would be very f***ing surprised

if he did not.

- Oh, wow.

- Very surprised.

Like that, you know, Good Samaritan tax.

It's not even a tax, really,

since it's voluntary.

Hello?

Osbourne?

Osbourne Cox?

Yes.

Who is this?

Um... This...

Is this Osbourne Cox?

Who is this? What time is it?

Who are you?

I'm a Good Samaritan.

I'm sorry I'm calling at such an hour,

but I thought you might be worried.

Worried?

About the security.

Of your sh*t.

What on earth are you talking about?

Who am I speaking to?

I got your files---the documents.

I know these documents are sensitive.

but i'm perfectly willing to give

back to you your sensitive sh*t.

You know at a time of your choosing.

What documents are you talking about?

Osbourne Cox?

Yes, yes, this is... Hello!

It's Osbourne Cox. Who the f*** are you?

What documents are you talking about?

Okay.

The bureau chief in Belgrade,

we all call Slovak the butcher.

He had very little report

with his staff, and his dispatches---

Ra-por, very little rapport...

with his staff, f***ing moron!

How did you get this?

- Don't blow a gasket, Osbourne. I...

- Who the f*** are you? Listen...

- We have... It's not important where...

- You are in a way over your f***ing head!

I don't know who the f*** you are,

but you have no idea what you're doing!

Oh! Why so uptight, Osbourne Cox?

I'm just a Good Samaritan,

a traveler on the road, who...

Tell him, we're gonna get it back,

we just thought he would like to maybe know,

- and tell him about the Good Samaritan tax.

- Hello! Who is that?

- And tell him he's inconveniencing us.

-Hello, hello, hello!

- Who the f*** is this?

- Ozzie, what's going on?

You know this is the major inconvenience

for us and we just thought of a reward.

Uh! So it's money! So it's money!

- You want money, okay, listen to me.

- You... Yeah, why not?

- Am I out of line here?

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