Butter Page #2

I will call the governor.

That's what I'll do.

I'll call the governor.

Or Jesus. I mean, don't you

have his direct line?

My constitutional rights are being

violated and I will call the governor.

The governor

doesn't care, Laura.

What did you say?

The governor doesn't care.

Whose side are you on, Bob?

It's time to pass

the baton, Laura.

I need to start giving back.

Like Oprah.

How dare you

bring Oprah into this?

Kaitlen, sweetie.

Could you please provide your

father and me with some privacy?

She can stay.

Cover your balls, Dad.

I see what happened here, Bob.

You didn't stand up

for yourself, did you?

That's what happened here.

I think it'd show a real touch

of class if we stepped down now.

I guess Dad was right when he

warned me against marrying someone

whose biggest dream was to be

the middle school principal.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It just means maybe I should've taken his advice

- and married Boyd Bolton.

- Boyd Bolton?

At least he inherited a

successful car dealership.

I am done.

I doubt Boyd would just give up Bolton

Supercenter at the drop of a hat, Bob.

Laura, please.

You get back here, Bob.

If you won't stand up to them,

then I will!

F***ing freaks.

I gotta ask you, you just turned

down over a half a million dollars.

I told her not to pick 22.

Oh, sh*t! Tell her I'm not here.

What? Who? What's going on?

- Laura. Laura Pickler.

- Oh, God. Here?

- Tell her I'm fishing.

- At night?

Oh, God! Why is she here?

- Orval!

- What if she gets inside?

- Orval!

- Can you hear me?

I hear you!

- One is worth $200,000.

- Yeah.

One case is worth one million.

Laura.

How nice to see you.

Where's Orval?

He's in the shower.

Maybe I can have him

call you later.

I'll wait.

If you ask me,

number 24 is too thin.

Oh, I see how it is.

He wants to play a game, does he?

Well, you tell

Orval this isn't over.

That's what I'm

talking about, baby!

# Only love makes you kill #

# Breaks your legs

breaks your will #

# Pulls you up by the roots #

# Makes you fall down too #

# Harder #

# Deeper #

# Faster #

# Harder #

# Deeper #

# Faster #

# Harder #

# Deeper #

# Faster #

# Harder #

# Deeper #

# Faster #

How are they gonna

do it without me?

Who's gonna throw

the Butter Brunch, Helen?

Please.

And Camp Butter. It doesn't

just organize itself.

And to think, I was just about to donate all

my past gala gowns to the state fair museum.

Ohh.

I give so much.

You're the only man

who cares about me.

That's not true. I'm sure there

is plenty of men who like you.

Your father cares

about you, right?

My father raped me.

Oh, my God!

I just... I need

someone to take care of me.

Someone who understands me,

someone to love me.

Not just someone to pay my rent

which, by the way, comes out

to $560 a month plus utilities.

That's actually

a really good deal.

But listen, Tokyo Rose...

- What? What?

- Oh, my.

- What?

- Tokyo Rose...

Brooke.

My real name's Brooke.

Brooke.

I think I love you.

- Too soon?

- No.

Here we go, um...

Here, I wanna give you...

- Oh, no.

- Yes.

Oh, I couldn't

possibly accept this.

No.

Oh, that's a hundy.

You are such a good person.

Mmm.

You just give and give

and give, and others

just take and take and take...

Oh, f***!

But my strongest belief in life is

that you should always take the high road.

What the f***?!

She had tattoos, Bob.

How long has this been going on?

It's just the one time. Look.

Oh! Sweet Jesus!

You're not innocent

in this whole thing, OK?

You're sleeping

on the couch tonight.

I sleep on

the couch every night.

If I were you...

I'd get a good night's sleep.

Because County is in a month

and we got a lot of work to do.

Laura, it's over. I'm not entering County.

Orval and I agreed.

We gotta get the butter,

we gotta sharpen the trowels.

We gotta check the cooling unit because the

temperature thing's been all f***ed up for ages.

- We gotta...

- Listen to me. I'm not competing this year.

I know.

- I am.

- What?

I'm competing.

I'll win County.

And after that I will bring back

what is rightfully ours.

And you're gonna help me.

Good night.

There's Advil in the kitchen

for your penis.

So I checked your schedule.

You got Mr. Evans for History.

He's very, very old,

so be patient.

I actually think he was around for most

of the historical events that he covers.

Here we are.

You'll be fine.

I'll be in room 412

if you need me.

Just a short walk away.

- OK.

- OK.

Go get 'em.

When you draw your tree,

I want you to rid

your conscious mind

of any notion of what you think

a tree should look like.

Here.

You can use mine.

- I have two.

- Thanks.

You know black people?

Yeah.

Well, I wanted you to know

I think they're real cool.

Thanks.

Destiny. I wanted to tell you how

thrilled I am to have you in my class.

You're a very talented artist.

I'm not really that good.

We expect big things from you.

My new foster parents and

everyone at my new school were so nice,

that I couldn't help but think,

are these crackers for real?

You know how you guys asked if

I needed anything a while back?

Mm-hmm. Shoot.

You don't have butter.

Thank you. I know. It's Jill.

Believe me, she means well.

You know, she used to be worse.

She used to buy this

fake meat called seitan.

- Like the devil?

- Exactly like the devil.

- I'll get you some. Yeah.

- Really?

OK. I'm gonna need

like 200 pounds.

# It feels good to be home #

Honey.

Honey, just...

She's coming.

Here it comes.

Thank you.

- Beautiful chicken.

- Thank you.

Well, Kaitlen, your father

and I have some great news.

As you know the Mastery in Butter

Committee has turned on your father

like Judas Iscariot himself.

The good news is that,

instead of your father

I will be competing this year.

- I think we should be proud of your mother.

- Stepmother.

And have you ever made a butter

sculpture before?

You don't even eat dairy.

Oh, man, you are

gonna suck so hard.

- Kaitlen.

- I guess I expected outsiders to be skeptical,

but my own family?

I have stood by your father

for the past 15 years.

Watching, learning, absorbing.

I was there when he turned 867 sticks

of butter into First Lady Laura Bush.

I was there when,

two days before State,

the cooler broke and his Iwo Jima

just turned into a river of yellow.

And I am here now

in his darkest hour of need

to lift him up

and preserve our legacy.

Bird or door, Bob.

Pick one. Let's go.

- Hey, boo!

- You can't be here.

Oh, but you still owe

me money, remember?

I never got the rest

of the money.

That sh*t ain't free.

This isn't happening.

But you said you loved me, Bob.

That was a little early for me.

But we did it. I never do it

with guys from the club, Bob.

Dad? Who's that?

Nobody.

Nobody?!

- Is she a hooker?

- No, no.

- I like her boots.

- Those are Army boots.

She's a recruiter.

Wait a minute.

Is she your hooker?

- Because I totally understand if she is.

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