Butter Page #3

- Kaitlen.

Go back to the table right now.

Nobody? Nobody?! Bob!

Brooke! Can't we

do this over email?

Bob, I'm gonna sh*t

on the hood of your car.

I see. You are definitely

a passionate woman.

You have two minutes to get me

that money or I swear to God.

I'm sorry, Brooke, I can't.

I'm married.

You know what? F*** you!

You are just like my father.

- My wife controls the checkbook.

- Your wife, Bob?

I can't believe you're gonna

let your wife come between us.

- I thought you had morals.

- OK.

You tell your wife

to watch her back.

Will do. Thanks.

F*** you, Bob!

No, thank you.

We have plenty of steak knives.

You owe me, Bob.

You owe me big.

Can I come in?

Sure.

- So how was your first day?

- Good.

Ethan said you were interested in

doing that butter contest thing?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

It's kind of redneck-y.

I don't mind.

Looks like you've

been practicing.

Who's that?

That's my real dad.

And this is my mom.

And this must be you.

Don't you look all happy.

No. That's my sister.

So where are you?

Well, I'm here.

Don't worry. My real mom

will come get me soon.

OK.

Time for bed.

- Hey, is she good?

- She's fine.

Great.

The Secret is within you.

The more you use

the power within you,

the more you will

draw it to you.

You will reach a point where you

won't need to practice anymore,

because you will be the power,

you will be the perfection,

- you will be the wisdom...

- Be the wisdom.

...you will be the intelligence,

you will be the love...

- ...you will be the joy.

- Be the joy.

Be the joy.

Oh, God what am I doing here?

I can't do this.

I'm not an artist.

I don't have any experience.

I just screwed up The Secret

by even thinking that.

Just shut up, Laura. Pull it

together, you stupid slut.

Don't call yourself a slut.

Oh, God.

OK.

I will win.

I will win.

Laura, I thought Bob was

judging State this year.

He is.

I'm signing up for myself.

Are you sure?

You have big shoes to fill,

following your husband like that.

Well, don't worry, I'm not a

feminist or anything like that.

I just worry about what would

happen if this title

and all the power that

goes with it ends up

in the hands of someone

other than a Pickler.

I mean, we all know what happened

with the Miss America Pageant

and Vanessa Williams.

Well, I guess I see your point.

I see I'm the only name here in Johnson County.

What time do we wrap this up?

Official rules state

we need to be here until noon.

I'll wait.

Good.

Do you want me to go in

with you?

Don't tell Jill,

because she always likes me

to think positive.

but what I like to do is this.

I imagine all the bad things

that could possibly happen

if you enter this contest.

Like you could die

of a tragic butter overdose.

There could be a rabid grizzly bear

hiding inside this very moose lodge,

waiting to tear your face off.

There could be a python inside.

What if this place is full

of monkeys with a deadly virus?

There could be

the ghost of Hitler.

What if there's no gravity in there?

And you float up

and bang your head on the ceiling.

And then all of a sudden,

gravity kicks in and then you

bang your head on the floor?

- There could be a black hole and it'd suck me all up.

- Yes.

What if this place is full of

good-looking British vampires?

- The worst of all of them.

- They're so pale.

- Or hungry cannibals.

- It could happen.

Or there could be a mass murderer who

only kills adorable little girls.

- Think about it.

- Or racist ninjas.

Or racist ninjas, yes.

High five.

That was a good one.

So think about all that

and ask yourself, really,

what's the worst thing

that could happen?

I could be terrible and lose.

Yeah.

Yeah, could you live with that?

I guess so.

OK then. So it's not

such a big deal, is it?

Go make us proud.

Bring me back some butter.

Adorable.

What is this place?

Laura?

Oh, my God!

Are you entering, too?

Oh, my God!

We have to get coolers right

next to each other!

It'll be just like camp!

How fun.

I'm really nervous.

I mean, what am I doing, right?

But I just said to myself,

"Carol Ann, you've been sitting

in the audience for too long.

Now's your time to get up on

that stage and sing!"

I'm so glad you're here.

We're gonna be

just like sisters.

Oh, no offense.

I'd like to sign up, please.

Oh, isn't that just precious.

So, that's that.

Looks like it'll be the three of us.

Is someone smoking?

F*** this bullshit.

Hey.

Can I help you?

Yeah.

I want to... sign up.

For the Johnson County Mastery

in Butter Sculpture Competition?

Oh, man.

Yeah. That. I want

to sign up for that.

I'm gonna cut you.

Have you worked

with butter before?

Oh, I've worked with it all.

- I object.

- Uh...

You know, she is here on time

and the rules do state

that anyone can enter.

Look at what she's wearing.

This will go over very badly

with the Red Ribbon people.

Well, I don't see anything

in here about that. I really...

Ah!

Your husband still owes me

another $600.

Interesting. Did he buy

600 blowj*bs on credit?

Look, lady, you came

in between me and my man.

Sh! We're in a Moose Lodge.

Bob is my husband.

We have built a life together.

Once Kaitlen leaves, I plan on

proudly bearing his children.

So? You want a cookie 'cause

you're gonna get pregnant?

I get pregnant

like once a month.

Do you honestly think

you're anything more

than a cheap lay to him?

He'll get bored.

After that he'll come right back

where he belongs,

to my house.

Listen...

Would you prefer it

if I didn't enter

this whole

butter contest thing?

Absolutely.

Excellent.

It's on, c*nt.

I haven't heard that word

since my dad died.

Heavens! Look at that.

- Voila.

- Cool.

Jesus, Laura.

Hi!

Incredible.

This is weird.

Sh, sh, sh.

Honey.

This is great.

- What's that?

- I don't know.

- Hi, Carol Ann.

- I'm sorry to bother you.

I know you're busy

creating in here and...

Wow, Laura!

Talent does run

in the Pickler family. Wow.

- Well...

- Mine? I don't know.

I mean, you know, I thought

it would work out, but...

...golly, Laura,

this is really hard.

But my grandma used to say,

"You can't polish a..."

How's the girl's look?

- What?

- What's her name?

Destiny?

Amazing, isn't it?

I think that might be

Harriet Tubman.

Oh.

Well, she obviously decided

to play the race card.

I mean, it figures.

Whatever you lack in talent,

you gotta find some way to...

I gotta go.

"Little Secrets"

# Let this be

our little secret #

# No one needs to know

we're feeling #

# Higher and higher and higher

Higher and higher and higher #

# But I feel alive

Oh, I feel it in me #

# Up and up

we keep on climbing #

# Higher and higher

and higher... #

Oh.

OK, contestants.

Five, four...

...three, two...

...one.

Trowels down!

Ladies and gentlemen.

welcome to the

Johnson County Finals

for the State Mastery

in Butter Competition.

I would like to introduce our

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