Butter Page #4

esteemed panel of judges.

Betsy Lou Holt,

our reigning Miss Dairy.

Mayor of Iowa City,

Bill Olberweis.

And finally, State Head Judge

Orval Flanagan's wife,

Mrs. Helen Flanagan.

Now, we're going to let each contestant

say a few words about their work

before the judges

begin deliberating.

Carol Ann Stevenson?

That's mine.

I just really love kittens.

Especially when they get tangled

up in a blanket,

but I didn't know how to carve that,

so I just put them in a basket.

I hope that's OK.

Thank you!

Thank you, Carol Ann.

Uh, Brooke?

Many of you know that I am

a former stripper...

...often taking my job

a step further

and engaging in

sexual acts for money.

I went from man to man to man,

always looking,

always searching.

Then one day,

after I was nearly

beaten to death by a customer...

...I stumbled into another house.

A big welcoming house.

And met another man.

And that man was Jesus Christ.

I present to you,

"The Scarlet Letter."

For those of you who don't know,

it's a movie starring Demi Moore.

Thank you and God bless you.

Butter saves!

- Thank you, Brooke...

- Six hundred dollars.

- I don't have it.

- ...for the inspiration.

Um, OK. Destiny?

Hi. My name is Destiny.

My last name is either

Washington or Wilson.

The reason I'm not sure is because

the State of Iowa isn't sure.

You see, I am,

and have been, a foster child.

I've been shuttled

from home to home.

While some of my experiences

have been negative,

most of them have been

overwhelmingly positive.

So why then, can a

ten-year-old black girl

with no family, no money

and no connections

stand before you today and believe

that she can win this competition?

Why did the Pilgrims

dare to cross

the vast, dark oceans

to America?

Why did they risk it?

And why did a man

named Abraham Lincoln

move from a log cabin

to the... No, wait.

Move from a log house

to the White House

and risk both houses to keep

this great nation together?

The same reason a poor black

woman risked life and limb,

partnering with white

and black people alike

to bring my ancestors to freedom

on the Underground Railroad.

Why?

Because she dared to dream.

And that's kinda what

I'm doing here today.

Thank you very much.

How'd you do that?

Wow.

That's a hard act to follow.

Oh, um...

Last, but, uh, certainly

not least, Laura Pickler!

Laura, come on up.

Family.

When... when I think

about butter

I think about family.

Why?

Because like the thread

of a grandmother's quilt,

butter is the centerpiece

of a family dinner.

And family, in turn,

is the thread that holds our

great country together.

Without butter,

there is no family,

and without family,

there is no...

This is really hard.

Just take your time, dear.

Um...

I'd like to remind you

what this contest is about.

It is about

"excellence in butter."

I have spent my life

working hard,

trying to do the right thing.

Because I thought that's what

this competition was about.

I just hope when you vote,

you remember that.

Thank you.

God bless America.

God bless you, Laura,

God bless you.

Thank you, all four of you.

How'd I do?

You carved two more people

than anyone else.

We now have coffee and donut

holes in the back for everyone

while the judges deliberate.

Donut holes!

If I may have your attention.

We have a decision.

In fourth place,

Carol Ann Stevenson.

Come on, come on!

Congrats, Carol Ann.

Uh, and in third place,

Brooke Swinkowski.

What?!

Hey, I know you're only, like,

ten and sh*t, but listen up.

You beat that skanky ass b*tch.

You beat her hard. I've done all I can do.

It's up to you now.

OK.

You're a good girl.

I don't think I want you hanging

out with strippers, OK?

OK, if I may have

your attention.

Um, will Laura Pickler

and Destiny please come up?

Representing Johnson County

in the Iowa State Fair.

Mastery in Butter Competition

this year will be...

...Destiny!

I guess it was wrong of me to

say that all white people are weird.

That's not true at all.

Actually, white people

are really awesome!

Screw that little Afro girl.

- Dad!

- Kaitlen, your mother is upset.

What is it, African-Iowan?

It's not my responsibility

to keep up with whatever it is they're

calling themselves these days.

- What?

- She knew she was good all along.

All along, she hustled us.

She's a hustler.

What is your problem? It's just

some stupid contest. God.

I cannot wait to get away

from this stupid family.

Really?

Maybe I'll just be a stripper,

like Dad's new friend.

Stupid Laura. You know

what you should've said?

This is exactly why I stopped

watching American Idol.

Because every year the best

singer gets up there,

and every year she gets knocked

down by some charity case

with a baby and a mug shot.

Well, I'm sorry that I was born

white and tall and pretty.

And I'm sorry that I don't sit

in front of the TV all day,

eating pork rinds

and just soiling myself.

And I'm sorry that I haven't spent

the last 15 years of my life

sucking every cock that flew in front of my

face just to put on a cheap church dress

and claim to find God.

This is so messed up.

I hate my f***ing life.

Language.

To Destiny!

- To Destiny!

- To me!

# She tastes like midnight #

# She tastes like wine #

# She tastes like midnight #

# She tastes like wine #

# I'm gonna run my fingers #

# All down your spine #

# Just like a bad dream #

# Staying on my mind #

Boyd. Boyd Bolton.

Laura Pickler.

Boyd Bolton.

It's been a long time.

Bob wrecked our minivan.

Oh, yeah, I see that.

Wow. What did he do?

He slammed into something he

shouldn't have slammed into.

Well, if you want, we can...

...we can have it fixed for you

right away.

That would be excellent.

- You look great, Laura.

- Oh.

You look even better than you

did in high school.

- No.

- Yeah. Most women go the other way, but... Oh, my God.

- Have you had your b*obs done?

- They're just cutlets in a friendly bra.

Oh, my God.

- How's your wife?

- Tammy?

- She's fine, I guess.

- Great.

# Waiting by the mailbox

by the train #

# Passing by the hills

till I hear the name #

# I'm looking for a saw

to cut the chains in half #

# And all I want

is someone to rely on #

# As thunder comes a-rolling down #

# Someone to rely on

as lightning comes #

# A-staring in again #

Ohh!

Brent and Tammy

Knepp of Rancho Bernardo

were about to give up

on swaddling their son.

Look at this sh*t.

It keeps babies

from punching themselves.

And don't you think it's weird

that babies can't sleep

without smacking

themselves in the face?

I mean, think about how

f***ed up that is.

It's like you shouldn't

be able to exist or something

if you can't sleep without your arms

flailing around all over the place.

I mean, think about it. Is a baby

better off dead or in the suburbs?

In the suburbs you are forced

to live with some stupid family,

with stupid people that call you fat

even when you are not fat at all.

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