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Butter Page #5
and you're forced to deal with
stupid guys like Rob Ackerman,
who don't call you back even
when you give them a blowj*b
in the back of their Honda.
God, I hate people!
just dies from global warming.
Right. Do you know
where your dad keeps his money?
Why?
Does he owe you money?
Like for sex?
He just owes me money.
Your hair is so cool.
No one at my school
has hair like that.
Thanks. So, the cash would
probably in the...
I've never met anyone
like you before.
You're so alternative.
...in a drawer or something
like that, in the...?
Maybe.
Hey.
Do you want to play
Truth or Dare?
Whoo!
Boyd! Oh!
How do you like that, Laura?
Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, don't stop.
Don't stop.
- I'm sorry, I can't do this.
- No, no, no, I can get you the $600.
Actually, it's $1200.
OK. You are so beautiful.
You're everything that
I've ever wanted to be.
And now you're
right here in my arms.
- OK.
- # Gonna spread you like butter #
# Baby on my bread #
# Don't want no other #
# Girl in my bed #
like butter #
# Baby on my bread #
# I don't want no other #
# Girl in my bed
Gonna spread you like... #
Are you there, God?
It's me, Boyd Bolton.
Oh, wait, there's probably
a lot of Boyd Boltons.
Hmm.
OK, so just so you know, I'm
the one that lives in Iowa City.
I don't think there's any other Boyd
Boltons that live in Iowa City,
but if there is, I'm the one
who runs Bolton Supercenter.
Yeah, anyway...
...I just wanted to take this
moment to thank you
to f*** me.
I mean, I don't know what you
guys are doing up there,
but her p*ssy is like even tighter
than it was in high school.
It's... it's like she hasn't
even used it in 20 years.
Anyway...
...I just wanted to say...
...thank you.
You're so cool, God.
Amen.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Nancy.
What?!
Well, what could possibly be the
problem? She's ten years old.
Right, all right.
See you then. Good-bye.
I'm scared.
Why are you scared?
You're amazing.
Really, it's them that
should be scared.
No, I'm scared that you and
Miss Jill won't want me anymore.
What?!
It's happened before.
They just leave me.
Did you know that
Jill can't have kids?
Why?
Well, I mean,
that's complicated.
It's...
- Is her vagina broken?
- Yes.
Yep. That's it.
us over and over again...
"Are you sure you
don't want a baby?
We can get you a baby.
You both have good jobs.
You have a nice house.
We can get you a baby."
But we made up this whole thing
in our heads that, like,
we wanted an older child because
they're always overlooked
and we'd be doing so much good for
society and the world and everything.
But the truth is,
we were afraid to have a baby.
Why?
I don't know.
It's OK to be scared, I guess.
Hey, you guys,
they're ready for us now.
Destiny, um, come in.
What's going on?
This is Martin Caswell
from Red Ribbon.
Julie,
send in Mr. Bolton.
Oh.
Boyd, would you tell these people,
please, what you told me? Exactly?
Oh, yeah.
On the evening of the 15th,
Mr. Ethan approached me,
knowing I have superior skills
in the art of sculpting butter.
his daughter, Destiny,
with her sculpture...
...with her entry for the Johnson
County Mastery in Butter contest.
I'm sorry, what?
I said no at first.
- But after he gave me $500...
- You're kidding!
...I snuck in when
no one was looking
and I... I carved
her sculpture for her.
I can no longer live
with this horrible blight...
...on, on, on, on, on...
...on my conscience.
This is crazy, OK?
I have never met this dude
in my life, I swear to God.
Come on, you people saw her
carve it with your own eyes.
I can't even believe
I'm arguing this.
May I make a suggestion?
As it's clear that Destiny's win
is in question, I...
Absolutely not.
Destiny won this on her own,
fair and square.
I think the only fair solution
would be to have a rematch.
Me versus Destiny.
At the State Fair.
Um, State is this weekend.
I mean, I can't possibly get the
proper paperwork prepared in time.
I'm sure someone as smart as you
can figure it out, Nancy.
But the coolers.
And then we'd have to haul all
the butter in two days before
- so it'll set and...
- Excellent. Great.
Well, now that Nancy has
agreed to do her... her job
looks like we've got a rematch.
What's wrong with you people?
I can't believe you just let this
two-bit trophy wife come in here...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now wait a second.
Hey, hey, hey.
- I know.
- She's crazy.
This is the kind
of thing that I just...
- Who are you?
- I'll do it.
...from over here.
- I'll do it.
- Destiny.
Eight-hour carve time,
all out in the open,
officials present every minute.
No verbal contact
with the audience.
No help.
And no speeches.
Just butter.
- Deal?
- Deal.
Can you believe that b*tch?
Jill.
Sorry. You know you
can't say "b*tch" right?
- I know.
- Just her whole thing.
The hair, the dress, that grin.
Destiny, it's not too late to go back in there
and tell them you don't wanna do this thing.
Are you kidding me? Destiny is gonna
nail that witch. Aren't you, Destiny?
All right.
Let's prep.
Laura.
Laura!
Obviously, I wish you had better
reading skills, but all in all...
She's only ten!
Thank you for your help, Boyd.
What, that's it?
That's it?
Hey, hey, where are you going?
Come on, don't you remember us?
We were Boyd and Laura.
- I give up.
- Boyd.
Hey.
Imagine if we got
an apartment together.
We could move to Des Moines.
You got the $1200 right?
Or maybe Chicago.
Can you imagine how humiliated
She'd probably like, explode.
I think you're late
for practice.
I could be with you forever.
Yeah.
- About that. The money?
- Oh.
I can't wait to see
how this plays out.
Good luck.
Call me.
Yeah, definitely will.
I was only kidding about
Move it, b*tches!
Whoo!
- Hey, girl.
- Hi.
Let's go for a ride.
I got something to show you.
OK.
What'd you learn
in school today?
Positive and negative numbers.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
See that store over there?
Mm-hm.
With this $1200
I could buy work clothes
like you have never seen.
Where do you work?
Barnes & Noble.
So I want you
to look over there.
And I want you to see very clearly
that I am willing to sacrifice $1200
worth of totally cute outfits so
that you can have these knives.
And with these knives,
you carve the best damn
butter sculpture this
world has ever seen.
You must not fail, Destiny.
You can do this.
You can take down Laura Pickler.
You kick her pasty,
white ass so hard,
so that she and her stupid
on poor, innocent people
like me ever again.
We cool?
Thank you.
Well, we don't know for sure, but
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"Butter" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/butter_4875>.
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