Butter Page #5

and you're forced to deal with

stupid guys like Rob Ackerman,

who don't call you back even

when you give them a blowj*b

in the back of their Honda.

God, I hate people!

I cannot wait until everyone

just dies from global warming.

Right. Do you know

where your dad keeps his money?

Why?

Does he owe you money?

Like for sex?

He just owes me money.

Your hair is so cool.

No one at my school

has hair like that.

Thanks. So, the cash would

probably in the...

I've never met anyone

like you before.

You're so alternative.

...in a drawer or something

like that, in the...?

Maybe.

Hey.

Do you want to play

Truth or Dare?

Whoo!

Boyd! Oh!

How do you like that, Laura?

Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, don't stop.

Don't stop.

- I'm sorry, I can't do this.

- No, no, no, I can get you the $600.

Actually, it's $1200.

OK. You are so beautiful.

You're everything that

I've ever wanted to be.

And now you're

right here in my arms.

- OK.

- # Gonna spread you like butter #

# Baby on my bread #

# Don't want no other #

# Girl in my bed #

# Gonna spread you

like butter #

# Baby on my bread #

# I don't want no other #

# Girl in my bed

Gonna spread you like... #

Are you there, God?

It's me, Boyd Bolton.

Oh, wait, there's probably

a lot of Boyd Boltons.

Hmm.

OK, so just so you know, I'm

the one that lives in Iowa City.

I don't think there's any other Boyd

Boltons that live in Iowa City,

but if there is, I'm the one

who runs Bolton Supercenter.

Yeah, anyway...

...I just wanted to take this

moment to thank you

for sending Laura Pickler

to f*** me.

I mean, I don't know what you

guys are doing up there,

but her p*ssy is like even tighter

than it was in high school.

It's... it's like she hasn't

even used it in 20 years.

Anyway...

...I just wanted to say...

...thank you.

You're so cool, God.

Amen.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Nancy.

What?!

Well, what could possibly be the

problem? She's ten years old.

Right, all right.

See you then. Good-bye.

I'm scared.

Why are you scared?

You're amazing.

Really, it's them that

should be scared.

No, I'm scared that you and

Miss Jill won't want me anymore.

What?!

It's happened before.

They just leave me.

Did you know that

Jill can't have kids?

Why?

Well, I mean,

that's complicated.

It's...

- Is her vagina broken?

- Yes.

Yep. That's it.

The adoption people would ask

us over and over again...

"Are you sure you

don't want a baby?

We can get you a baby.

You both have good jobs.

You have a nice house.

We can get you a baby."

But we made up this whole thing

in our heads that, like,

we wanted an older child because

they're always overlooked

and we'd be doing so much good for

society and the world and everything.

But the truth is,

we were afraid to have a baby.

Why?

I don't know.

It's OK to be scared, I guess.

Hey, you guys,

they're ready for us now.

Destiny, um, come in.

What's going on?

This is Martin Caswell

from Red Ribbon.

Julie,

send in Mr. Bolton.

Oh.

Boyd, would you tell these people,

please, what you told me? Exactly?

Oh, yeah.

On the evening of the 15th,

Mr. Ethan approached me,

knowing I have superior skills

in the art of sculpting butter.

And asked if I would help

his daughter, Destiny,

with her sculpture...

...with her entry for the Johnson

County Mastery in Butter contest.

I'm sorry, what?

I said no at first.

- But after he gave me $500...

- You're kidding!

...I snuck in when

no one was looking

and I... I carved

her sculpture for her.

I can no longer live

with this horrible blight...

...on, on, on, on, on...

...on my conscience.

This is crazy, OK?

I have never met this dude

in my life, I swear to God.

Come on, you people saw her

carve it with your own eyes.

I can't even believe

I'm arguing this.

May I make a suggestion?

As it's clear that Destiny's win

is in question, I...

Absolutely not.

Destiny won this on her own,

fair and square.

I think the only fair solution

would be to have a rematch.

Me versus Destiny.

At the State Fair.

Um, State is this weekend.

I mean, I can't possibly get the

proper paperwork prepared in time.

I'm sure someone as smart as you

can figure it out, Nancy.

But the coolers.

And then we'd have to haul all

the butter in two days before

- so it'll set and...

- Excellent. Great.

Well, now that Nancy has

agreed to do her... her job

looks like we've got a rematch.

What's wrong with you people?

I can't believe you just let this

two-bit trophy wife come in here...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Now wait a second.

Hey, hey, hey.

- I know.

- She's crazy.

This is the kind

of thing that I just...

- Who are you?

- I'll do it.

...from over here.

- I'll do it.

- Destiny.

Eight-hour carve time,

all out in the open,

officials present every minute.

No verbal contact

with the audience.

No help.

And no speeches.

Just butter.

- Deal?

- Deal.

Can you believe that b*tch?

Jill.

Sorry. You know you

can't say "b*tch" right?

- I know.

- Just her whole thing.

The hair, the dress, that grin.

Destiny, it's not too late to go back in there

and tell them you don't wanna do this thing.

Are you kidding me? Destiny is gonna

nail that witch. Aren't you, Destiny?

You better believe it.

All right.

Let's prep.

Laura.

Laura!

Obviously, I wish you had better

reading skills, but all in all...

She's only ten!

Thank you for your help, Boyd.

What, that's it?

That's it?

Hey, hey, where are you going?

Come on, don't you remember us?

We were Boyd and Laura.

- I give up.

- Boyd.

Hey.

Imagine if we got

an apartment together.

We could move to Des Moines.

You got the $1200 right?

Or maybe Chicago.

Can you imagine how humiliated

my stepmom would be?

She'd probably like, explode.

I think you're late

for practice.

I could be with you forever.

Yeah.

- About that. The money?

- Oh.

I can't wait to see

how this plays out.

Good luck.

Call me.

Yeah, definitely will.

I was only kidding about

the moving in together stuff.

Move it, b*tches!

Whoo!

- Hey, girl.

- Hi.

Let's go for a ride.

I got something to show you.

OK.

What'd you learn

in school today?

Positive and negative numbers.

I have no idea what

you're talking about.

See that store over there?

Mm-hm.

With this $1200

I could buy work clothes

like you have never seen.

Where do you work?

Barnes & Noble.

So I want you

to look over there.

And I want you to see very clearly

that I am willing to sacrifice $1200

worth of totally cute outfits so

that you can have these knives.

And with these knives,

you carve the best damn

butter sculpture this

world has ever seen.

You must not fail, Destiny.

You can do this.

You can take down Laura Pickler.

You kick her pasty,

white ass so hard,

so that she and her stupid

husband can never wreak havoc

on poor, innocent people

like me ever again.

We cool?

Thank you.

Well, we don't know for sure, but

nine times out of ten in these cases,

we suspect drugs and...

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