Bye Bye Birdie Page #6

And while we're on the sub ject, kids

You can talk and talk

till your face is blue

Kids, but they still do

just what they want to do

Why can't they be like we were

Perfect in every way

What's the matter with kids today

Kids, I've tried to raise you

the best I could

Kids, all the things I've done

were for your own good

Kids, can't you once appreciate

how I've sacrificed

Working, slaving, scrimping

saving pennies

And livin' with your father, kids

No one knows the burdens I've had

to bear, and in my condition

Kids, I'm a poor, sick woman

and does he care

Ha!

Go on, go on and kill me

That's what it's coming to

When a mother has kids like you

- Kids

- All the chicken soup I made for you

- Mama, take it easy.

- Kids

- Now you throw me out like a worn shoe

- Not in front of everybody.

Mom, after all, I haven't been

such an awful son

I never sass you back

or leave a ring around the bathtub

- And don't I always phone you

- Kids

You can give your life to 'em

night and day

- Kids, then they go get married

- Married?

- And go away

- Who's gettin' married?

Why do we have these children

Better to have a pet

You know where you stand with a pet.

I never asked for nothin'

Nothin' is what you'll get

What's the matter with kids to...

I tried, Lou, but I failed.

Oh, ya didn't, Mama.

Ya didn't.

Don't try to pay me back, sonny.

I forgive you.

So what if you're an ingrate?

So long as you're happy.

- I don't want to be happy.

- Don't feel guilty.

Just make believe I'm an old used car.

Junk me. Leave me in the gutter.

- I'll never leave ya. Never.

- You heard him.

- You're a witness.

- I promise, Mama.

- I never broke promise to my mama.

- Good boy.

Why can't they be like Albert

Perfect in every way

What's the matter with kids

Yeah, what's the matter with kids

Nothing's the matter with kids today

Mr. Paisley, this is Rose DeLeon.

You asked me to call

it I had any tree time.

Well, I'm free.

- Very tree.

- Rosie!

Ten minutes?

I'll be waiting tor you.

Don't worry, sonny.

You can always get another secretary.

Can you see him?

- No. Babette, can you see him?

- I can't see him.

All I can see is the basketball hoop.

Hey, Gretch, can you see him?

Conrad Birdie in our gym!

Oh, oh, oh, give me one last kiss

One last kiss

Oh, one more time

Mmm, baby, one more time

It really is sublime

Ah, baby, so sublime

You know I need your love

Oh, oh, oh, give me one last kiss

One last kiss

Baby

Give me one last kiss

Baby

Give me one last kiss

Oh, one last kiss

Give me one last kiss

It never felt like this

Nah, baby, not like this

You know I need your love

- Oh, oh, oh

- Okay. Cut.

We'll rehearse

the song later, Conrad.

- Al, what's the exact length?

- Oh, uh, 1:
20.

Check. That gives us 2:40

for Sullivan's intro to Kim...

Kim's good luck speech to Conrad.

Then Conrad socks over a plug

for army enlistments...

bangs into the song, and we top it off

with the big kisseroo.

- Kim?

- Yes, sir.

Beg pardon,

but when do I make my speech?

Speech? What speech?

I promised Mr. McAfee he could say a few

words. After all, he's Kim's father.

- Yes, he is.

- Kind of a hello from a proud parent.

All right,

but ya can't have much time.

In fact, all you can have is 20 seconds

on the nose.

Gotcha. I'll just say a few words,

get some big laughs.

- And introduce the mayor.

- The mayor?

- Ah, come on, Al. What is this?

- I... We had a problem.

I had to give the mayor a spot

to humor McAfee.

All right, but we'll have to take

ten seconds away from McAtee.

I imagine songwriting must be

quite a lucrative profession.

- Oh, yes it is.

- How many records will they sell?

Oh, about one or two million.

You know, Claude, I had a pertectly

wonderful time last night.

- You really are a wonderful dancer.

- Oh, I don't know.

When one's heart sings,

one's feet take wings.

Oh, how lyrical.

Is that Shelley or Keats?

- That, my dear, is Paisley.

- Really?

- Uh-huh.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

- Shall we go?

- Sure.

Okay, everybody. Take your places.

Now come on, Kim.

Just move right over there.

Just read it like

you normally would. Okay.

And we, your admirers, are proud that

our military leaders have called upon...

- Conrad, honey!

- Please, Mrs. Peterson.

We're rehearsing.

All right now, Kim.

Could you move over one, please?

Kim, you're talking too fast.

Now once more, dear, but slower.

- To express to you...

- Tell me, Mrs. Peterson.

- What does your husband do?

- I don't know. He's dead.

And, and, and I want to say...

on behalf of all the girls

who are your devoted admirers...

- Oh, I forgot what's next.

- Come on, man. Let's go.

- Hi, Hugo.

- They don't want all this jazz.

- Yeah.

- They want Conrad.

Look. There's the camera.

I bail in, I sing up a storm...

I give this chick the message...

This is my best side.

- Applause.

- She's fainted.

- I'll dig you later.

- Hey, enough! I'm puttin' my foot down!

My baby!

Now I'm puttin' my foot down.

She's not goin' on that show!

Oh, yes, she is.

You're not wreckin' my career.

- Oh, what happened?

- Tell him you're through...

because you do not wish to humiliate

your steady in this sordid fashion.

Hugo Peabody, you take that back!

I will not,

but I will take my pin back.

Oh, with pleasure.

Conrad, I know you're tense,

but we haven't finished.

- The number's not ready.

- Conrad's a trooper, like I was.

- Us troopers get tense.

- Yeah. Like she said, like.

Conrad, why don't you and I

go for a nice ride in the country?

Uh-uh. Man, I hope

I never get that tense.

I never should have said that

to Rosie.

- Who does he think he is anyway?

- AI, I got a wire here from Ed Sullivan.

"Russian Ballet switching to different

dance requiring additional four minutes.

Therefore, the entire Birdie spot

must be cut to less than 30 seconds."

- Cut?

- "Tell Peterson and Rosie...

I'm sorry song is out,

but no choice."

No. They can't do this.

They can't cut the song.

They've already done it, kid. In 30

seconds all Birdie can do is take a bow.

I'm awfully sorry.

The Russians!

First they take Czechoslovakia,

and now they take my four minutes.

- Oh, Mama.

- Oh, baby!

Well, that's, that's show business.

There are chicks just ripe

for some kissin'

And I mean to kiss me a few

Man, those chicks don't know

what they're missin'

I got a lot of livin' to do

Sizzlin' steaks

all ready for tastin'

And there's Cadillacs

all shiny and new

Gotta move

'cause time is a-wastin'

I got a lot of livin' to do

There's music to play

places to go

People to see

Everything for you and me

Life's a ball

if only you know it

And it's all

just waitin' for you

You're alive

so come on and show it

Yeah, we got a lot of livin' to do

There are men

With childhood behind them

Handsome men

From Yale or Purdue

Older men

And I'm gonna find 'em

I got a lot of livin'

To do

I'm a-gonna have fun

Gonna be wild

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